Six - Groundhog's Day Eve

Renenber that Bill Murray movie, "Groundhog's Day"? Where he had to live one day of his life over and over again? Well this idea is brought up by philosophers like Nietzsche under the guise of "eternal recurrence". The idea is that to measure the success of your life you ask yourself if it would be favorable to live your whole life over and over again exactly the same. That's pretty much the gist of it. Anyway, I'm not going to bother any of you concerned readers (I really appreciate everyone's reply, btw) with my ills because that would just be beating a dead horse, and thats animal cruelty. And I don't condone that on my blog. Anyway, the reason why I brought up eternal recurrence is that I can't really say that I would want to do that over and over again. Its more a question of "Have you enjoyed your life thus far?". And by enjoyed I mean it in a very broad sense, more like "did you get what you wanted in life?". I have had those "Aha!" moments, but not enough to offset everything else.

I think I'm going to shut up and get back to talking about Israel because thats what I meant this blog to be about, not my life story. Sticking to the point, today was our second full day of classes, and it was pretty brutal once again. I can handle it on face value, but over time it might just hinder my progress even more. Classes are pretty tough, especially if you dont really know anyone in your classes, and US history i just really frustrating because the teacher is really intimidating (like my APUS teacher back home) and because I didn't read the chapter, but I guess thats my fault. Meals suck too, especially becuase my wisdom teeth are coming in and fucking with my gums making it painful to eat anything. Some girl is in the hospital from our group, i think for a dislocated shoulder, but i really wish her the best. This is going to sound extremely selfish, but I USED TO want to break one my limbs or something medical in order for people to befriend me out of pity, because I've seen it happen before. But thats a pathetic way to get people to like you so I dont think like that anymore. But I used to. I do wish her good health though. But I just dont know what to do with myself, and yes, I know Im breaking the promise that I stated before. But its just so pervasive of a thought. What I need is some quality Thoreau or Emerson, some real works of art on the joys of being alive and of embracing nature and of indepedence. But what I want is companionship, not only self reliance. Happiness is only real when shared. Chris McCandless said that. Into the Wild guy. And I sincerely believe that quote. And I want to sincerely thanks everyone that replied to me personally about my posts and thanks so much for your concern. I really appreciate it and it really truly does help. Really. And i guess right now, staying in my room during free time after dinner isnt really helping my cause, but I would have nowhere to go. I don't knwo anyone well enough to join their group. And it feels like I missed the initial moment of opportunity to make an impression on people. And I've also been told I think too much about stuff. And I've never really understood it, and I'm sure thinking about it more to write in my blog isn't helping very much either. And even when I do make better friends and such, I'll never be anyone's best friend here because if I were to be one the time had already passed to do that. And I've made an awkward fool out of myself several times in front of a girl i like (teehee), and she likes a kid at home, so thats out of the question unless I redeem myself somehow and she forgets about that kid.

You know what. I think I might just decide to be gay. Because then things would be so much easier to explain to people about why I'm so reserved and everything. I mean no offense at all to gay people, but I'm only saying that me being gay would solve all of these problems, or at least explain them. Closet gays have a lot of identity and isolation issues, so I identify with that at least. Except Im not really into guys that way. So I guess I could just be a social gay. I really hope my parents dont read this.

Im really sorry Im writing about all this sad sack stuff going on, but I just need the right materials and confidence and motivation to fix this "problem". And then it'll be a lot less philosophical and deep and more light and funnier and wittier. I promise yous guys.