Its been one week....

I really don't know what to write about. Classes were the same as the past two sets of them, skipped lunch, and basically hung around with two people. I forgot to mention yesterday that I had this one-on-one conversation with my Jewish History teacher (which she sets up for everyone) that kind of put me in an awkward position, not really knowing what I was talking about when discussing the Arab-Israeli conflict, and I could clearly tell that she knew A LOT about the subject (as she teaches it) and I felt a bit embarrassed. I've noticed recently that my ears get really hot when Im embarrassed. Weird. I've also noticed that I get disproportionately jealous at other people for really trivial things like talking to certain people or saying hi from across a room. Or simply not being me. And I think for so long I've tried to be someone that I can't be, and have felt beat down because I just can't be that certain kind of person that I want to be. I have to accept the flow of life and to not fret over things out of my control, except that a lot of problems deal with decisions that I need to make. This is clearly much easier said than done, but alas I have to really devote myself wholly to this brave new task of mine. It has been one for quite awhile, wether I realized it or not, and a major reason I went on this program is to accomplish that task, or at least get a jumpstart. And the reason I've been so dissapointed lately is because that goal is not unfolding as I thought it would. But I need to accept that things are never as they are expected and that I need to work on things, feel impassioned about doing things, and grabbing life by the tusks, smacking it the face, and making it my bitch. I've been so devoted to the theory of existentialism lately that I've completely missed the whole point of creating meaning in one's life. Sure, I may believe in the deepest recesses of my mind that there are no such things as morals or right and wrong, but what I can do is make morals, and make them revelant. As the conductor of my life, I can choose which track to take, be it for better or for worse, and I just need to revel in the fact that I have some sort of free will(though in reality I'm very unsure about this topic) and that I can be where I am, regardless of anything else. And I need to let go of my fear of judgement, because thats what keeps people from knowing me and keeps me from knowing other people.

But on a lighter note, have you ever noticed that no matter how pleasant a certain food smells, if you smell it on someone's breath it becomes absolutely repulsive? And another weird thing is that I get so angry when people cough. I just cant stand it. Its so annoying and repulsive and obnoxious. Grrrr. So this kid in my room just bought an avocado and is pretty much eating it right from the fruit, without a spoon or anything. And damn, girl, why does it have to be so cold here? And why does all the food taste the same? And why am I always alone? And why? THE why? A why? Two why? You why? I why? We why? Why why?

I think I've completley misunderstood everything I've learned in the past 16 years.