Grip

That's what I need, a grip. A hold on life, solid ground, steady feet, etc, etc, etc. I need a philosophy, a motto, a mantra, a reason for living. I need something specific. And not something general and paradoxical like "to find meaning" or "to live". I don't really know if I should have one yet at my young age, but I've never really asked any of peers, let alone anyone, their "reason". So I could just be naive. I don't really know how to use that word. I hope it makes sense.
But I have no direction. I mean, besides going to college, getting a job, getting married, etc. But thats just a typical plan. It doesn't really mean anything. It has no meat to it. No essence. Its the steel reinforcers in the building of life.
Anyway, Im sitting in a friends room right now writing this, trying to expand my horizons and become more social. I guess its working, because I was invited, so that means something. And that social part is beginning to bother me less and less, unless there are a multitude of people in groups, and I can't enter one because there's no open space or I don't want to intrude. Its very specific, but right now this is next on my to-improve list.
The situation with Z hasn't really changed, except for me telling my good friend about it in passing, without any real feedback. But I expect that to come with time, hopefully. I can never know. I've tamed my jealousy really well after the last entry, actually, especially after getting some feedback from my wonderful readers. It's still an issue, but I try to catch it and push it back. I've also come to realization with some help *wink* that my jealousy is really just my insecurity, which is probably right. But these are my problems, and here are their analyses.

Today, we went to the Israel Museum which had a really impressive model of 1st century BC Jerusalem, complete with the Temple. I joked that I wanted to be godzilla and stomp over it, or get toy soldiers and play in it. Honestly, it would probably be the most fun I would have had in a while if I could do that. I can be really childish sometimes. Anyway, we saw the dead sea scrolls at the Shrine of the Book which were pretty impressive, but what really impressed me was this one room, all white marble, with a hole at the top to see the clear blue sky. We were ked in with our eyes closed, so it had an even bigger impact when iI opened them. I don't know what the architect's intention was in making this structure, but for me it represented something pure, innocent, yet strong. Only seeing the sky is an amazing thing.

I am going to be away for the next ten days, so you wont hear another blog entry from me for a while, sadly. But, I'm sure when I get back there'll be tons and tons of stuff to write about, and perhaps some updates on Z if anything does happen. Which according to my past history, nothing will happen. But I can change. That's the whole process I'm going through in this journey. Change. And Lord knows I need it. I think I'm going to ask my two best female friends what to do, one of them being the one who is friends with Z. Even though I've asked several people what to do, but these two actually know the girl. So..... And I have also asked myself if I am ready, considering this state I'm in. But I think that for this, I can change quick and effectively. Is this the foremost thought in my head? Perhaps, but I know I don't obsess over it, though this blog doesn't really back that idea up. I'm far to busy to spend time on that, and why should she control how I feel? She shouldn't, and I can also prevent that. I need to take this issue calmly and collectedly with confidence, and know in my head that this is possible. I've actually thought about if it did happen, and I've concluded that I would one very happy camper.

On a much more serious note, perhaps the most serious note that can be written about, during English class, for some reason, I developed this paralyzing fear of death that I've only had once before. Because I'm not to firm a believer in an afterlife or heaven, it destroys me to think of not existing. But its not the regular fear, its this actual fear, this mortal fear, the greatest fear of fears. Im lucky that its not consuming me all the time, that I can really live withour this fear. But I need to acknowledge it. And I need to leave my mark here on earth to ensure my immortality, perhaps through children, or being a leader of some sort, or whatever. I need to learn to live through these mediums, so that I will always exist. It's turning out to be a challenge to make the most out of my time here on earth. And it's the greatest challenge I will ever undertake.

So long for now. I hope I've answered some people's questions/worries about me. But for right now at this moment, I feel very empowered and confident that I can do this. "This" refers to everything I've mentioned, not just the Z case.