So this is my thirtieth post on this blog. Is that impressive? I can't say. Should I have done homework in that time? Probably. But at least until my fiftieth post, there'll be no reason to celebrate. I still have my shoes on, and I've been in my room for a while, and its cold, and the weather outside is fantastic, and the light is amazing. It has been a weird week. For one, at the beginning of the week I felt terrible and like a nervous wreck, and the second part of the week I'm much more satisfied and happy, if I can dare to use that word. For second, a lot of people's parents came this week, and it was interesting to think of what my parents would have done had they come this week instead of next week. I love them, but they are very awkward people sometimes and definitely would not do a lot of the walking or hiking the other parents did. They are interesting people, though. I am excited for them to come though, because I think my Dad is going to speak, seeing as he is a Holocaust survivor and seeing as we are going to Poland in the next couple of days. And I will get to see my Mom and my sisters, all together finally since January. The thing that sucks though, is that they are coming when I have mid-terms, so they cant really take me out that day, the only day I think they could, except maybe friday. I'm unsure. And theyre bringing a replacement hard drive for my ipod, so that'll be great if it works. And for third, yesterday (Thursday) we went on a 16 hour trip to the north, which was exhausting but fun. Someone said to me that day that they "didn't know that you were so funny" and I have to say that I've heard that before, which makes me happy of course, but makes me think why it took this long for me to open up to other people and be funny. I became better friends with certain people, so thats a plus as well as of course my education that I recieve. We went to a crusader castle, and pretended to be Muslim opposition, yelling "Allah hoo Akbar". I wasn't really into it, because if there was a Muslim visiting the site, it would make for an awkward confrontation. Anyway, that day I had to tiny encounters with F and Z, but they are so miniscule yet had an uplifitng impact on me, seeing as I love to blow things out of proportion and make things more significant than they actually are. First thing was with Z, and as we were passing by her class, she reached out her arm to touch our mutual friend's hand, and proceeded to do the same to mine. I dont know if she felt like she had to do it becuase her arm was already out, but in that split second it seemed like she did it on purpose rather than accidentally by leaving her arm out longer. It is these types of encounters that I analyze and tear apart, probably unjustly and innaccurately. But maybe not, maybe there's a chance I'm right. Not that she likes me like that, though I wish that were the case, but that despite knowing that I like/d her, she still wants to remain friendly. I didn't want to say friends because everyone has their own definition for that, and that may not be true. Anyway, that made my day a lot better, but my encounter with F was not as affecting as the one with Z. I was simply offering this weird dough-tomato-onion thing to her friends and then to her, but she said she can't eat raw tomatoes. I doubt that was a lie, because she could have just said no thanks. She greeted me with a lazy "Hi Hubby", which was good in the sense that she recognizes our marriage still, but she definitely is not as chipper as she was when I first hung out with her for real. I'm beginning to think that her liking me was true, but it was only for a day or three, and quickly died out. Was it something that I did? Or was it just the natural course of things? I can never know. Anyway, that was yesterday...
Things are catching up fast. Its almost halfway through the program, which makes me really feel bad because I feel like I haven't accomplished that much in my time here, and that for something to happen later is becoming more unlikely. I hope that isn't the case, and I know that its up to me to make that change. And I know what I need to do know, at least part of it. It's being in a friendly and general good mood when around other people. And being confident. Those things I have determined, are crucial to be an effective Max. Even if I do feel invisible or rejected or whatnot, because I know that feeling sorry for myself doesn't accomplish anything, though I may forget that at times. A lot of times. But sometimes that mood just doesn't work. It doesn't all depend on me, it depends on other people, but I can't put all the blame on one party, because it doesn't work that way.
But things fluctuate a lot. And its hard to determine whether or not the overall experience is positive or not. I'm hoping, obviously, that it is, but there are times where it seems like I have accomplished nothing. but I think for now I'll work on some stuff, but let things like relationships and whatever happen naturally, rather than me forcing it on myself. I shouldn't live according to others' expectations. And I think thats another problem. And I have a huge fear of judgement. And I get lazy, so all of these might account for something. Since I think people already have this standard for me of being smart and funny, I sometimes feel pressured to be those things, or feel bad when I dont offer anything too special to a conversation. I feel like I need to be especially extraordinary to be liked, but then again not so special people have perfectly sound social lives.
It all boils down to expectations. Like right now, two of my roommates and two other people they brought are watching a movie in my room, but im here writing this. I guess I shouldn't feel bad because they quitely offered me a place to watch it, but it didnt seem like there was room, but now one of my roommates miraculously found space to sit and watch. And my expectations were that the other roommate would be doing his own thing elsewhere in the room, while I was too, not making me the outcast, but now I am.
And there's this thing going around called "Fuck My Life", or FML for short. its basically just people complaining about the sucky things that are happening in their lives. None of its actually serious stuff like what I'm dealing with or whatnot, but funny stuff. Its entertaining, though. I guess I could say FML right now. for things in general. but I know thats not completly true. I've though about it more and have realized that this life here is a lot better than what I would have had if I stayed home, its just that I'm dissapointed compared to my expectations and compared to other people's experiences.
I just need to get out there and live.
I have been having these "fear attacks" about death every once in a while and is honestly the deepest fear I have ever experienced. At the same time, however, it compels me to make the most out of my time here on ol' Planet earth and experience everything I can in my time here. Thats why I like doing new things, because it adds to my repitoire of things I have experienced and will make me not regret anything later in life. Thats why i came on this program. For the experience.
Experiences. That's what its all about. I need more and better ones.
No comments:
Post a Comment