Sock 'em Boppers

Wow. What an embarassing moment/really guilt-ridden I had today. If you remember that I commented on the person sitting next to me on the way from Eilat to the Bedouin tents, that person facebook chatted me something like "how would you describe me, not using "caring"and "loyal"" while I was away from fbook. So naturally, my paranoid self thought that they were referring to my comment on my last blog about them, but in reality, as I later found out, it was for a self-evaluation they were doing, and had already used those words. So for an hour or so I felt awful and I wrote a really heartfelt apology and messaged it to them, and I approached them later, soon finding out what they really meant in that message and me having to explain what I wrote and what I thought and telling them in person that I wrote some not super positive things about them. I still feel terrible, but I assumed they read my blog because it all connected very well, and this blog has an open link to it on my fbook page. Anyway, it seems like something that would happen in a sitcom or not in real life because it was just to perfectly arranged, this mess.
Today and yesterday were regular school days, where I arranged for a lot of guys on the program to download pokemon on their computers, and now a lot of people are playing it, including me. It really relives my childhood memories of countless hours playing pokemon all day. It made me feel good that I was able to spread this joy to others, and I felt like I contributed something to the community.
Big news guys. Operation Z has oficially been aborted. I found out today that she likes someone else from one of her friends, which is definitely upsetting, but I cant say I thought it would actually work out. It was definitiely more like a fantasy than a reality. And the upsetting feeling I have is all my own fault, none of it hers. It was me who brought my hopes up and it was me who liked her. But I have to say it came at a time when I was expecting something of the sort and while I was trying to distance us so that I wouldn't be fixated on her. Its something of a loss for me, no doubt, but I need to move on, to advance, to proceed. Feeling remorseful has no purpose, it simply hurts me. And lord knows I've done too much of that in the past. But Im glad I dont know who she likes, because I would just be angry at that person and so forth for stupid reasons and it too would have no purpose. And Im glad that i dont have to worry about impressing her anymore, and that I dont feel like I HAVE to like anyone else imediately after I forget about someone else. yes, there are candidates, but I have yet to see if they are worth pursuing. Thats a dumb word to use, it sounds like girls are like Albino Rhinoceri in the African Wilderness and Im a poacher who has to pursue them for their ebony or what have you. The ebony being a metaphor for a relationship. not anything else in case you have a sick mind. Well needless to say I feel pretty disheartened and at a loss, but I have to accept these things and move on, as I have been saying all along. This dissapointment led to a pretty depressed mood for part of the next day (after the afermentioned incident) when we crawled through Bar Kochba tunnels which definitely pulled a pelvic muscle, but made me realize with how much fervor the Jews of the past cared about their identity, something that has carried us through the present day, never losing faith, and thats what allows us to survive, unbending faith in something concrete, in a motto, a philosophy, etc. My philosophy comes from a Bob Dylan quote (duh) from one of his songs where he sings "He who is not busy being born is busy dying". I interpret this as saying that I (or we) need to constantly move forward and create something new all the time, to move forward, progress. becuase things can always get better. Its always a possibility, and for a large chunk of my life I did not beleive that. But my depressed mood led me to think of my social awkwardness and my social ineptitude (as it always leads to) and made me just want to devote myself to one specific thing like a craftsman would do back in the day and not care about relationships with other people and simply live for my trade or hobby or etc. But I know this is unhealthy and unnatural as humans are social beings. We were made to reproduce, and to do that social interaction is necessary. If you havent picked up on it, which you probably havent seeing that I havent talked about it too much, I have a firm belief in the natural order of things and how things in my life are related to survival and the process of reproduction, even if it does sound a bit weird to say reproduction, but isnt that what out genes yearn for? to duplicate? Isnt that how the most fundamental processes of evolution takes place? Anyway, I eventually escaped that funk, but I still fell pretty empty.
I am seeing my sister in the south on friday and saturday, but the taxi ride is ridiculously expensive. I mean ridiculous. Like outrageous. But Im trying to carpool with someone so it wont be as ridiculous. But Im sure I'll get there somehow, and its definitely worth the price; to stay with my sister for Shabbat. Im hoping we'll catch up on LOST and share some music and movies.

Regardless, my current state is a weird one. On one hand, Im happy that Im losing interest in someone who isnt interested in me, but on the other hand, Im also upset for the same reason in that I wanted her to like me, etc.... Its definitely not a positive mood, but its not so much of a negative mood either. This is my real first foray into this kind of business, so I guess I dont really know what to expect. Ah well. Time, my friend, time.