Did you see the words?

I always seem to have something to worry about. Whether it be school-related, a special event I'm nervous about, or just maintaining things in my life how they are. But now I feel the least worried I have been in a long time. Maybe since the summer of 2007. And this is what I'd hope would happen on this journey. So I know its working. Maybe not as ideally as I'd wished, but you can't live without high hopes or you're setting yourself up for mediocrity. But what I'd hoped that would happen when I went on this journey is happening. I'm making new friends, meeting new people (all very unique), and enjoying the bounty of life and this country. And I've realized that these are the most important things on this trip, not education or hooking up or being in a relationship. Though those are also very important on this trip, they are not the number one priorities. Because, and I've mentioned this in previous posts, in the words of Chris McCandless, "Happiness is only real when shared". And you need other people for that. Though he was a fool at times, he definitely had some brains. And I admire him for that part. A lot. If you know me, you know I have a soft spot for nature-junkies like Thoreau and McCandless. And Israel is a perfect country to observe nature, the forests and hills and deserts and plains and mountains. On out tiyul the other day to the north of Israel, we visited some ancient synagogues and we saw some cool mosiacs and such and burial caves (once again) but what really amazed me was the view of the mountain ranges of the Golan that you can see, especially the snowcapped Mt. Hermon. The night before most of my bus group made t-shirts with our "Misperei Barzel" on the back, or our roll call number. (Im 26) and the name of our bus group on the front, "Batzir", which is a word describing the wine harvest. The two other groups have names regarding harvests, which is a really obscure way to name something, at least to me. Anyway, I was one of the last ones to make my shirt, which really reinforces something that always happens to me. I'm always the last one. It's probably because I'm not forceful or assertive enough, and let other people go ahead of me, but I've definitely noticed a pattern of me being last or at the end of things like when we walk or take turns talking or so on. I think I jynxed myself when at the beginning of the program, we had this weird string game where you would tie string around your ankle and say something about yourself, and pass it to someone else. I (obviously) was the last one, and I foolishly and stupidly said "I like to finish things off", you know, since I was the last one. This is one of those times that I didn't think about what came out of my mouth.
Anyway, the night before last we had this bonfire where we played this game where everyone closed their eyes, and five people were chosen to tap people on the heads if they matched a certain description like "makes me laugh" or "thoughtful". This game really boosted my self confidence because I got tapped several times (though I dont know if it was a lot relative to others), but one of the things I got tapped for most was for the description"someone I dont know well and would like to know better", which made me feel good that I interest people but a little upset that I haven't opened myself up to these people. Hopefully they will approach me since I don't know who they are. After that, and I forgot how it came up, but we all listed our high points and low points of our lives, which was very revealing for many people and their secrets and so on. And thing about these type of things is that I get uncomfortable when sad things happen or are talked about, because I always think that its happening in a strange environment and belongs at a different time and place. Perhaps I'm right, or just insensitive. One person's low point paralleled mine a bit, and i went up to them afterwards and told them about my situation, which a very endearing and sweet moment, especially considering the seriousness of the matter.
And the other night we went out to this street with a lot of restaurants and shops, and suprisingly I met my sister there, though I knew she was going to be in that same place during the day with my cousin (who I didnt get to see), but only briefly, as she had to go to dinner with friends. I did manage to get my hands on some delicious nutella ice cream, tough before I had to wait about 15 minutes to wait for the girls I was with to finish shopping for jewelery, because those are the only stores that exist in Israel. I also had some fries at McDonalds, which were decent. But overall it was a fun time, hopping between groups of friends like I usualy do at these outings. And thats another thing, I've been able to diversify my friendships so that in almost any situation I have someone to talk to. Almost, sometimes, like right now, I cant really find anyone to hang out with, and sometimes when I eat at the dining hall there's either no room next to my friends or the open ones are next to people I dont know well.
But something that could possibly maybe be important happened on the way back from our outing last night. Since Z knows I like/d her, I've been noticing that she's saying hi or talking to me more, and we had a real conversation on the bus ride back, and hopefully I made a good impression on her that time because I've rethinking my abandonment of the Z conundrum. Most likely, about 99% likely, she's just being nice or talking to me because she knows I like/d her and is trying to become better friends. BUT, there's a 1% chance, probably even less, that she likes me back, in which case I would have no idea how to react. Not that I would be super super happy (though I would be) but I really dont know how I would feel should that event occur. Would she be doing it just to settle for me because no other guy likes her (I mean everyone likes her, but you know in what sense I mean)? And it is this situation that confounds me. I would be happy for her if she liked someone else and she succeeded in her venture and so on, but I would also be a bit jealous of said guy, obviously. And clearly, as shown through our previous conversations before the program, there's at least a molecule of chemistry between us.
So Z is back in the picture now, probably due to my skewed perception of people's actions and intent. And so is F, probably for the same reason. But there's a greater chance that F likes me more than Z since we've talked more often, stole my afro pick, and were fake married. But if something were to happen, I wouldnt be settling, which I want to avoid on both sides of a hypothetical relationship, because it makes the other person seem so insignificant and be treated like a toy. I can like them both, its possible, almost equally. or maybe Im lying to myself so that I wont feel bad "settling" with F. But it wouldnt feel that way to me. At least not now.
This entry might seem confusing because I'm writing it over a span of a day or three days, so bear(bare?) with me here.
I think I've discovered something. I'm not looking for a relationship in the common use of the term. I'm looking for a best friend. Someone I can talk to any time about anything, someone who is constant. And all those qualities that make up a reliable, caring, dependable, funny, easy to talk to, thoughtful, etc, person. And F and Z just happen to fit those terms fairly well and just happen to be girls. Yes, there could be guys who fit that description, and I think some here may fit that description, but there's also the complicating element of relationships between guys and girls that adds a certain expectation. And I may want this possibly because the firendships I have now aren't fulfilling enough, and I haven't found anyone, aside from maybe one or two people, that I've really liked a lot. Am I dissatisfied? I don't know if I'd put it that way, but what is true is that I'm looking for something more. And because I'm almost halfway done, I'm getting more and more worried. I guess I lied about what I wrote earlier about worrying now. And I know I'm not looking for something more because everyone else has something more and is satisfied, I'm looking because I want my life to be more rich. And I know its possible. And another thing. It may seem like I'm upset or worrisome or lamentful, but these days are some of the best days I've had in my life, along with camp. It's simply relative, my complaints. My complaints would be much more at home. So I'm only having the time of my life up until the age of 46 or so, whereas I'd want it to be the time of my whole life. No doubt I'm learning, no doubt whatsoever. Especially about myself, which is a great thing. I've learned that I need to analyze less, that people do like me for who I am, I don't need to pretend to be someone else, and that sometimes you just gotta chill. And that I need to make the most out of the short time I have on this here planet, by learning, by experiencing, by thinking. And that I need a specific philosophy by which to live by, and not to try to encompass everything in the universe into your life, because you will fail, and I know from first hand experience. My philosophy is, obviously, from a Bob Dylan song, and I've probably already written it down on a previous blog entry, but it bears repeating. "He who is not busy being born is busy dying". I interpret it as meaning that we shoudl also strive for something more, something better, and always be creative and create, make, and invent all the time. Imitation will be the death of me. I think it was Emerson or Whitman who warned of the dangers of imitation. Well I firmly believe that. And I hope that you do to, or at least you now have a better understanding of where I'm coming from, though it may not always seem like that, because I forget my philosophy a lot of the time, which is probably a major factor in my dissapointments, not only here, but at home too. So, this is my way of being born, of writing something thats never been written before, to create letters and words and sentences that have never existed before now. To stir thought in others when they read, and to stir my own thoughts when I reread them. This is my goal. And I may forget it sometimes, but damn, its important.