Hearing the colors of your dreams

So now I have a lot of leisure time. I arrived just an hour or two ago from the bedouin tent where we stayed at last night. It kind of dissapointed me in that it was not a real bedouin tent and it seemed too much like a fake amusement park with its trees and heated and lighted tents. Apparently this place is actually owned by Israelis and is simply a tourist attraction, which upsets me beause I'm one for authenticity and the real thing. I can't stand replications or imitations. Also, we were supposed to go camelback riding, but it rained (in the fucking desert!) too much and so we couldn't, but I suppose I'll get the chance to when I return with a different program in summer. And apparently camels are assholes so I guess I'm not missing much. But back to the last week. In detail. Masada was actually very enjoyable, especially because I'm infatuated with nature and hiking and those sort of things. The climb up was tough, and I managed to have a brief conversation with Z, but one or both of us changed pace and lost each other. Omen, anyone? I hope not. And I also felt that the view from the top, seeing the sunrise over the dead sea, was really something astounding and to be marveled at. I was also really lucky that it was cold that day, as people often do it in the sweltering heat of the Israeli summer. But of course I'll have to do that again later this year. And the whole reason we went was because it was part of our jewish history class, so therefore we learned about the tragic history of masada. But basically the idea of masada today is that it will not fall again, basically another Zionist creed that states that the Jewish people need to protect their land. I do consider myself a Zionist in one repsect, but I think the Israeli government and the means of acquisition of the land and protection are out of line and wrong. But thats just my opinion. And that can be explored in detail another day. The hostel was very nice, and I spent some time with this other girl whom I think likes me, but Im not too sure. I hate to say it, but I feel like she's one of my backups or something along those lines. She's not any less of a person, but just in case I get flat out rejected, than I have something else to work on. And it may seem that I'm desperate, but after 16 and a half years of never doing anything of the sort, it makes some sense. And it's not like I'd go for anyone who likes me. The last thing I want to do is to not have any standards. And I need to keep my options open too. I can't lock myself into one situation.
So after Masada we ventured of to the nearby dead sea, which is a really salty sea and the lowest point on earth. I mean, besides the bottom of the ocean. That's lower. Clearly. Anyways, my cuts stung and I couldn't really control the movement of my body, but it was fun, especially rubbing mud all over my body. And no, I wasn't reverting back to my homo erectus stage, but everyone was doing it too and supposedly it really helps your skin. And it did feel really smooth after too. But it was also here at the dead sea that I made a fool out of myself once again to Z, becuase I stupidly and awkwardly complimented her on her dress on Shabbat, at which point she and her friend laughed. Also, in the ample amount of free time given to us, it was sometimes hard to find people to hang out with, but I did eventually, or just hung out and slept in my room, which had nasty ass bathrooms and you could enter the room by reaching your arm through a window next to the front door. What a cheap hotel. Anyways, after that adventure of several awkward encounters and so forth, we were all nervous about going to gadna, a five day israeli army prepping program for teens. I started out not knowing what to expect, but in the end I absolutely loved it, even the really strenuous physcial activity (at least for me) and the constant discipline that needed to be followed. Our tzevvet (unit) got really close, especially after bonding over pokemon, which our commander also liked. The food was actually not terrible, but i really needed more and warmer sleep. I shot a gun, which is almost the equivalent of growing an extra testicle. But it was such a unique experience and I got to talk to Z a bit more here, despite the lack of a lot of free time. The members of my tzevvet were all really great guys, and I really got to bond with them and especially the guys i never talked to before. and after gadna, its been said that the group in total gets a lot closer, which i beleived has happened, becuase you learn to work as a group and a unit in the army. So after the bitter farewell (at least for me, other people, mainly girls, hated gadna) we departed for a long journey to eilat, the southernmost city in israel, and the southernmost in the world that ive ever been. And i could see four countries! Egypt, Jordan, Saudi Arabia, and Israel. And Denmark. I also snorkled, but i couldnt really control my breathing correctly and accidentally swallowed a lot of saltwater. It sucked. Its like my throat got raped by a saltshaker. But the colorful fish and coral was worth it. And i payed for liek four people's ice creams. And I forgot who they were so I cant get my money back. Im stupid. After being in our less shitty hostel (comapred to the dead sea), some people went on this desert tiyul/hike which was really fun and amazingly gorgeous. In this time in Eilat, I helped to build my social life further, which actually worked this time. I made a new wife too! Sweet. I is a pimp. So after that, we ventured to a bedouin tent, where it rained basically the whole time we were there, and also helped to cancel our camel riding experience. But i'll do that in the summer probably. But the tents were so disney-land fake and unreal, that its hard to take it seriously when its so inauthentic. So we returned home, sitting next to my friend who can sometimes be annoying in that she talks about things like she understands them completely and is above other people, but shes a good person and I shouldny complain because she is my friend too. I also on this trip let a girl borrow my sweater, who gave it to another girl, who gave it back to me, and also coincided with another kid who had the same exact sweater. Weird. AND i actually stepped on a tack at the hostel. I thouhgt that only happened in cartoons. I guess I was wrong. Anywhosits, we went to the mall to eat, and I got this kick ass ice cream and bagel, but next time im so getting pizza or something at sbarro. it looked delicious. We finally returned home to the kibbutz, got our new roomates, one being the same as before, but I have two new ones as well. and they are both pretty good guys. but carrying my stuff back from the storage to the room sucked. OH AND MY FUCKING IPOD BROKE. FUCK. that was like my lifesource. but im not too pissed becuase my handy dandy laptop still has my music on it. nice save, max.

Regarding personal shit, things are up and down. Socially, for the most part, things look up, me making new and better friends without too much fear/pressure, but sometimes I feel very lonely and desolate, seeing everyone else talking to people except for me. I think I can't store the good times well enough to carry me through the difficult times. I need to work on my storage skills. But aside from that, the Z situation has really been bothering me, and I still dont know why I like her so much or why I care so much. My chances look slim, but I know I'll just be weaker if I dont try to at least get closer to her. And theres another guy who she was friends with form before that are pretty close, and today while we had a movie night about the first lebanon war, she leaned her head on his shoulder and was sitting right in front of me too, and I felt my heart literally plunge inside my body into my pancreas. And thats my only pancreas too. And she knits. HOW CUTE IS THAT. honestly. I still have this weird feeling when I see her or hear her name, so I guess I still havent moved on like I thought I had been recently, but I feel like my phase has weakened. But I still really like her. And I really want this to work, because it woul dbe my first obe of these things, and would prove to myself that I really could accomplish something I set my mind to. If you will it, it is no dream. I find that particulalrly appropriate with me being in Israel. Im Tirzu, Ein Zo Agada.