Post Script

I'd just like to add something more to my last post, as per events that have occurred since the posting of the last blog.
I don't fit. I just don't. Yeah, I do have friends, but I don't belong anywhere. There are groups of friends, some of them could be classified as cliques, but most aren't. And I just wander through a few of them without any solid constants, like others have. The people I thought I was in a group with seem not to care, and they don't explicitly invite me to hang out often, though I do sometimes. (not that I'm not wanted, but that I'm not specifically mentioned) Yeah, I know they like me and I'm happy about that, but they don't show it in ways I'd hope they would. And maybe I just haven't settled in somewhere or in that aforementioned group, but its almost halfway through, and I think at least something should have settled in that time frame. But it hasn't really. It could be good that I'm not tying myself down to one set of people, but then I'll never get close to anyone. And I've mentioned before that when trying to be universal or all encompassing, only failure will result. So I need something specific to hold on to.
When I read over what I just wrote last paragraph, it sounds so stupid and annoying, that I can't believe that I could write such trite. Whenever I record how I feel, I can't help but hate what I wrote, because of the way it sounds to me, and how I perceive other people will understand it and get an impression of me that I would rather they not have. But all of this negative stuff is probably just a brief period, even though it seems so true and real to me, it may actually not be, and just be something kicking in at an unfortunate time. I have these bad phases every once in a while, but when I do, they seem so real and they compel me to write, so it may seem like I have more negative than positive feelings, which may be false. At this particular mood I wouldn't trust myself in judging that.
And I think I still have that childish urge for attention and recognition, which is really what all of this shit is about. I never was the annoying kid who showed he wanted attention, or even wanted it in the first place. But now its catching up to me, and my shy self and my attention-seeking self are clashing and do not mix well, creating a cyclonic shit storm that rains on me every so often. Its all theory, though.
And I could list all the things preventing me from having the life I want, but all that would be on it would be me. I know I need to get over something. But I don't know what that something is. And if I did, I probably would be too afraid to change it or wouldn't know how to change it. But I should gamble, its the only way I can get something done. And Jesus Christ, its in the title of my blog, so it shoudl be present on this trip.I just need to observe and carefully note one or two days, sit down, and solve the fuck out of my problems. I have the determination now, but will I later? I hope. That's what a lot of it comes down to in the end. Hope, wishing, dreaming. Thinking about the nonexistent. The next step is trying to make it a reality. And thats the part I cant get to. I've said time will solve everything, but I dont have a lot of time. I need a new strategy that doesn't involve laziness that I can actually do. And I hope that this thing I have to do exists. Perhaps it is jsut to relax and be myself. Or maybe its to be more outgoing, or to be more suave, or manly or whatnot. I'm at a loss right now. I really have no idea where I'm going. Im having a midlife crisis at the age of 16. It seems that I've been having a 3 and half year streak of bad luck ever since the months after my Bar Mitzvah, with breaks in between, of course, or else I dont know what I'd do. I guess my manhood is being defined as a bag of Halloween candy. There's a lot of shitty, weird ones, but ocassionally there are those good ones that you treasure so much. And perhaps I eat them too fast, and don't save them. I shouldn't have to try this hard to make my life bearable.
I'm probably just PMS-ing right now.