And the Lord spoke unto Moses: "PARTAY TIME!!!!"

So things are improving. Or have improved. It's hard to tell the progress as of now. My mood has greatly increased over the past week, for several reasons. One, social stuff has vastly improved for one reason or another, perhaps since I told myself I needed to be in a better mood, which would allow me to exude an air of confidence, which is attractive. Second, school is almost our for three weeks, but I still had midterms and still have one big midterm in the class I am furthest behind in. Shit. (UPDATE) I took the midterm, I bombed. I suck. The end. Also, my family came all together, so that was nice, but mainly it allowed me to appreciate how glad I am to be away from them. I like them, but sometimes I feel like I'm the parent and have to direct my parents to do what should be done. Like when they're driving in Jerusalem, they have no idea what theyre doing, and me or my sisters have to direct them. But they brought me food and a really shitty ipod. Which is great because its better than a completely broken ipod, which was my situation. The battery life is shit and I cant put songs on it normally, but its music, and I should be thankful. Im doing all sorts of things in order to make it work.
But what was so weird and so funny was that the night I decided to go out for dinner with my aprents to this amazing restaurant called "Karma", guess who was there too. Z and her family and some of her friends from the program. What was embarassing was that when I was introducing the people on my program to my sisters, I forgot momentarily one of their names, but quickly remembered, but now I feel terrible. Oh well.
And guess what else. My parents know Z's parents. WEIRD. But not so much because I've pretty
gotten over her, and am now focused on F.
My Dad also spoke about the Holocaust on thursday night, which was well received, many people coming up to me saying my dad was cute and things of that nature. I like it when he tells his story and I think he likes that I take an interest in it too.
But things with F have improverd within the last couple days. She seems more accepting of me and cheerful, we've talked more and hung out more, and I think things are going pretty strong, except for the fact that I dont see her that much because we arent in the same group (of three).
But one night was when I was supposed to help her with math homework or something, and if you have any sense in your head, that usually means something related to a very different kind of math. But that night I started by doing some long program for our Poland trip, then I had to help this other girl with her math homework, which I actually did, but nothing "special" came out of it. I kind of like her, and I think she kind of likes me, but I'm going more for F. Dont get me wrong, I like this girl a lot, except F is just more appealing personally. And then I had to practice on my mandolin with others for this yiddish song I was performing in class. It went well, but took up a lot of time. I than had to go to the twins' in our group's birthday thing, which took up a chunk of time, and finally I went to F's room, where lo and behold, were many other people lounging around. I liek these people, but I was hoping it could be more intimate and personal, but I can deal. It still turned out well and I think I may have impressed her with my mandolin skills. Maybe. Anyways, maybe Poland/Yam L'Yam (a huge hike across the country from sea to sea (galilee to med.) will provide an opportunity, but we are often seperated into groups, so I dont know how often I will be able to see her, That is the main problem. Is having time to be around her, but I'll manage,
Anyway, I shoudl really be preparing fo rPoland right now, seeing as I have 22 minutes to do a whole heck of a lot of stuff, but I'll finish this quickly becuase I owe you guys and entry before I am discommunicated for two and half weeks or so. So I'll report with MANY things as I'm keeping a journal so I dont forget any important reflections/thoughts. So wish me luck and I really have to be going now, but overall things with girls are slowly improving, my mood is elevated ( i dont know what the concentrations camps liek Aushwitz will do to me) OK BYE. I REALLY NEED TO GO AHHHHH

Thirty Posts

So this is my thirtieth post on this blog. Is that impressive? I can't say. Should I have done homework in that time? Probably. But at least until my fiftieth post, there'll be no reason to celebrate. I still have my shoes on, and I've been in my room for a while, and its cold, and the weather outside is fantastic, and the light is amazing. It has been a weird week. For one, at the beginning of the week I felt terrible and like a nervous wreck, and the second part of the week I'm much more satisfied and happy, if I can dare to use that word. For second, a lot of people's parents came this week, and it was interesting to think of what my parents would have done had they come this week instead of next week. I love them, but they are very awkward people sometimes and definitely would not do a lot of the walking or hiking the other parents did. They are interesting people, though. I am excited for them to come though, because I think my Dad is going to speak, seeing as he is a Holocaust survivor and seeing as we are going to Poland in the next couple of days. And I will get to see my Mom and my sisters, all together finally since January. The thing that sucks though, is that they are coming when I have mid-terms, so they cant really take me out that day, the only day I think they could, except maybe friday. I'm unsure. And theyre bringing a replacement hard drive for my ipod, so that'll be great if it works. And for third, yesterday (Thursday) we went on a 16 hour trip to the north, which was exhausting but fun. Someone said to me that day that they "didn't know that you were so funny" and I have to say that I've heard that before, which makes me happy of course, but makes me think why it took this long for me to open up to other people and be funny. I became better friends with certain people, so thats a plus as well as of course my education that I recieve. We went to a crusader castle, and pretended to be Muslim opposition, yelling "Allah hoo Akbar". I wasn't really into it, because if there was a Muslim visiting the site, it would make for an awkward confrontation. Anyway, that day I had to tiny encounters with F and Z, but they are so miniscule yet had an uplifitng impact on me, seeing as I love to blow things out of proportion and make things more significant than they actually are. First thing was with Z, and as we were passing by her class, she reached out her arm to touch our mutual friend's hand, and proceeded to do the same to mine. I dont know if she felt like she had to do it becuase her arm was already out, but in that split second it seemed like she did it on purpose rather than accidentally by leaving her arm out longer. It is these types of encounters that I analyze and tear apart, probably unjustly and innaccurately. But maybe not, maybe there's a chance I'm right. Not that she likes me like that, though I wish that were the case, but that despite knowing that I like/d her, she still wants to remain friendly. I didn't want to say friends because everyone has their own definition for that, and that may not be true. Anyway, that made my day a lot better, but my encounter with F was not as affecting as the one with Z. I was simply offering this weird dough-tomato-onion thing to her friends and then to her, but she said she can't eat raw tomatoes. I doubt that was a lie, because she could have just said no thanks. She greeted me with a lazy "Hi Hubby", which was good in the sense that she recognizes our marriage still, but she definitely is not as chipper as she was when I first hung out with her for real. I'm beginning to think that her liking me was true, but it was only for a day or three, and quickly died out. Was it something that I did? Or was it just the natural course of things? I can never know. Anyway, that was yesterday...
Things are catching up fast. Its almost halfway through the program, which makes me really feel bad because I feel like I haven't accomplished that much in my time here, and that for something to happen later is becoming more unlikely. I hope that isn't the case, and I know that its up to me to make that change. And I know what I need to do know, at least part of it. It's being in a friendly and general good mood when around other people. And being confident. Those things I have determined, are crucial to be an effective Max. Even if I do feel invisible or rejected or whatnot, because I know that feeling sorry for myself doesn't accomplish anything, though I may forget that at times. A lot of times. But sometimes that mood just doesn't work. It doesn't all depend on me, it depends on other people, but I can't put all the blame on one party, because it doesn't work that way.
But things fluctuate a lot. And its hard to determine whether or not the overall experience is positive or not. I'm hoping, obviously, that it is, but there are times where it seems like I have accomplished nothing. but I think for now I'll work on some stuff, but let things like relationships and whatever happen naturally, rather than me forcing it on myself. I shouldn't live according to others' expectations. And I think thats another problem. And I have a huge fear of judgement. And I get lazy, so all of these might account for something. Since I think people already have this standard for me of being smart and funny, I sometimes feel pressured to be those things, or feel bad when I dont offer anything too special to a conversation. I feel like I need to be especially extraordinary to be liked, but then again not so special people have perfectly sound social lives.
It all boils down to expectations. Like right now, two of my roommates and two other people they brought are watching a movie in my room, but im here writing this. I guess I shouldn't feel bad because they quitely offered me a place to watch it, but it didnt seem like there was room, but now one of my roommates miraculously found space to sit and watch. And my expectations were that the other roommate would be doing his own thing elsewhere in the room, while I was too, not making me the outcast, but now I am.
And there's this thing going around called "Fuck My Life", or FML for short. its basically just people complaining about the sucky things that are happening in their lives. None of its actually serious stuff like what I'm dealing with or whatnot, but funny stuff. Its entertaining, though. I guess I could say FML right now. for things in general. but I know thats not completly true. I've though about it more and have realized that this life here is a lot better than what I would have had if I stayed home, its just that I'm dissapointed compared to my expectations and compared to other people's experiences.
I just need to get out there and live.
I have been having these "fear attacks" about death every once in a while and is honestly the deepest fear I have ever experienced. At the same time, however, it compels me to make the most out of my time here on ol' Planet earth and experience everything I can in my time here. Thats why I like doing new things, because it adds to my repitoire of things I have experienced and will make me not regret anything later in life. Thats why i came on this program. For the experience.
Experiences. That's what its all about. I need more and better ones.

My Life Plan

I think I need to accept the fact that I'm going to be single for my whole life, move into the Swiss Alps in a small wooden cabin, and make a living by hand carving wooden garden gnomes.
All signs are pointing to these events. At least the first part.
I should probably Forget about F and Z and just do what I'm good at.
That is, ignoring my problems and not facing them. And being dissatisfied, I'm good at that too. Has there ever been a lasting moment of joy in my while life? As in over a long period of time for a single thing. I dont think I've experienced that. Or maybe I'm ungrateful and spoiled and too cocky for my lifestyle. Either way, its not good.
All I truly know in this world is that I am not happy with what I have. Maybe it's justified, maybe its not. Maybe I'm seeing things from the wrong angle. And my perception of many things have been changing on this trip in ways I would never expect to view things, some small, some big. In terms of history, life, food, etc.
I really just need someone who's not a professional to sit me down and talk me through this as a person to person kind of thing. Someone who I trust, and knows what they're doing. And I haven't met anyone like that yet. Or at least I don't know that anyone is like that.
I've never been so uncertain in my life.

Post Script

I'd just like to add something more to my last post, as per events that have occurred since the posting of the last blog.
I don't fit. I just don't. Yeah, I do have friends, but I don't belong anywhere. There are groups of friends, some of them could be classified as cliques, but most aren't. And I just wander through a few of them without any solid constants, like others have. The people I thought I was in a group with seem not to care, and they don't explicitly invite me to hang out often, though I do sometimes. (not that I'm not wanted, but that I'm not specifically mentioned) Yeah, I know they like me and I'm happy about that, but they don't show it in ways I'd hope they would. And maybe I just haven't settled in somewhere or in that aforementioned group, but its almost halfway through, and I think at least something should have settled in that time frame. But it hasn't really. It could be good that I'm not tying myself down to one set of people, but then I'll never get close to anyone. And I've mentioned before that when trying to be universal or all encompassing, only failure will result. So I need something specific to hold on to.
When I read over what I just wrote last paragraph, it sounds so stupid and annoying, that I can't believe that I could write such trite. Whenever I record how I feel, I can't help but hate what I wrote, because of the way it sounds to me, and how I perceive other people will understand it and get an impression of me that I would rather they not have. But all of this negative stuff is probably just a brief period, even though it seems so true and real to me, it may actually not be, and just be something kicking in at an unfortunate time. I have these bad phases every once in a while, but when I do, they seem so real and they compel me to write, so it may seem like I have more negative than positive feelings, which may be false. At this particular mood I wouldn't trust myself in judging that.
And I think I still have that childish urge for attention and recognition, which is really what all of this shit is about. I never was the annoying kid who showed he wanted attention, or even wanted it in the first place. But now its catching up to me, and my shy self and my attention-seeking self are clashing and do not mix well, creating a cyclonic shit storm that rains on me every so often. Its all theory, though.
And I could list all the things preventing me from having the life I want, but all that would be on it would be me. I know I need to get over something. But I don't know what that something is. And if I did, I probably would be too afraid to change it or wouldn't know how to change it. But I should gamble, its the only way I can get something done. And Jesus Christ, its in the title of my blog, so it shoudl be present on this trip.I just need to observe and carefully note one or two days, sit down, and solve the fuck out of my problems. I have the determination now, but will I later? I hope. That's what a lot of it comes down to in the end. Hope, wishing, dreaming. Thinking about the nonexistent. The next step is trying to make it a reality. And thats the part I cant get to. I've said time will solve everything, but I dont have a lot of time. I need a new strategy that doesn't involve laziness that I can actually do. And I hope that this thing I have to do exists. Perhaps it is jsut to relax and be myself. Or maybe its to be more outgoing, or to be more suave, or manly or whatnot. I'm at a loss right now. I really have no idea where I'm going. Im having a midlife crisis at the age of 16. It seems that I've been having a 3 and half year streak of bad luck ever since the months after my Bar Mitzvah, with breaks in between, of course, or else I dont know what I'd do. I guess my manhood is being defined as a bag of Halloween candy. There's a lot of shitty, weird ones, but ocassionally there are those good ones that you treasure so much. And perhaps I eat them too fast, and don't save them. I shouldn't have to try this hard to make my life bearable.
I'm probably just PMS-ing right now.

Did you see the words?

I always seem to have something to worry about. Whether it be school-related, a special event I'm nervous about, or just maintaining things in my life how they are. But now I feel the least worried I have been in a long time. Maybe since the summer of 2007. And this is what I'd hope would happen on this journey. So I know its working. Maybe not as ideally as I'd wished, but you can't live without high hopes or you're setting yourself up for mediocrity. But what I'd hoped that would happen when I went on this journey is happening. I'm making new friends, meeting new people (all very unique), and enjoying the bounty of life and this country. And I've realized that these are the most important things on this trip, not education or hooking up or being in a relationship. Though those are also very important on this trip, they are not the number one priorities. Because, and I've mentioned this in previous posts, in the words of Chris McCandless, "Happiness is only real when shared". And you need other people for that. Though he was a fool at times, he definitely had some brains. And I admire him for that part. A lot. If you know me, you know I have a soft spot for nature-junkies like Thoreau and McCandless. And Israel is a perfect country to observe nature, the forests and hills and deserts and plains and mountains. On out tiyul the other day to the north of Israel, we visited some ancient synagogues and we saw some cool mosiacs and such and burial caves (once again) but what really amazed me was the view of the mountain ranges of the Golan that you can see, especially the snowcapped Mt. Hermon. The night before most of my bus group made t-shirts with our "Misperei Barzel" on the back, or our roll call number. (Im 26) and the name of our bus group on the front, "Batzir", which is a word describing the wine harvest. The two other groups have names regarding harvests, which is a really obscure way to name something, at least to me. Anyway, I was one of the last ones to make my shirt, which really reinforces something that always happens to me. I'm always the last one. It's probably because I'm not forceful or assertive enough, and let other people go ahead of me, but I've definitely noticed a pattern of me being last or at the end of things like when we walk or take turns talking or so on. I think I jynxed myself when at the beginning of the program, we had this weird string game where you would tie string around your ankle and say something about yourself, and pass it to someone else. I (obviously) was the last one, and I foolishly and stupidly said "I like to finish things off", you know, since I was the last one. This is one of those times that I didn't think about what came out of my mouth.
Anyway, the night before last we had this bonfire where we played this game where everyone closed their eyes, and five people were chosen to tap people on the heads if they matched a certain description like "makes me laugh" or "thoughtful". This game really boosted my self confidence because I got tapped several times (though I dont know if it was a lot relative to others), but one of the things I got tapped for most was for the description"someone I dont know well and would like to know better", which made me feel good that I interest people but a little upset that I haven't opened myself up to these people. Hopefully they will approach me since I don't know who they are. After that, and I forgot how it came up, but we all listed our high points and low points of our lives, which was very revealing for many people and their secrets and so on. And thing about these type of things is that I get uncomfortable when sad things happen or are talked about, because I always think that its happening in a strange environment and belongs at a different time and place. Perhaps I'm right, or just insensitive. One person's low point paralleled mine a bit, and i went up to them afterwards and told them about my situation, which a very endearing and sweet moment, especially considering the seriousness of the matter.
And the other night we went out to this street with a lot of restaurants and shops, and suprisingly I met my sister there, though I knew she was going to be in that same place during the day with my cousin (who I didnt get to see), but only briefly, as she had to go to dinner with friends. I did manage to get my hands on some delicious nutella ice cream, tough before I had to wait about 15 minutes to wait for the girls I was with to finish shopping for jewelery, because those are the only stores that exist in Israel. I also had some fries at McDonalds, which were decent. But overall it was a fun time, hopping between groups of friends like I usualy do at these outings. And thats another thing, I've been able to diversify my friendships so that in almost any situation I have someone to talk to. Almost, sometimes, like right now, I cant really find anyone to hang out with, and sometimes when I eat at the dining hall there's either no room next to my friends or the open ones are next to people I dont know well.
But something that could possibly maybe be important happened on the way back from our outing last night. Since Z knows I like/d her, I've been noticing that she's saying hi or talking to me more, and we had a real conversation on the bus ride back, and hopefully I made a good impression on her that time because I've rethinking my abandonment of the Z conundrum. Most likely, about 99% likely, she's just being nice or talking to me because she knows I like/d her and is trying to become better friends. BUT, there's a 1% chance, probably even less, that she likes me back, in which case I would have no idea how to react. Not that I would be super super happy (though I would be) but I really dont know how I would feel should that event occur. Would she be doing it just to settle for me because no other guy likes her (I mean everyone likes her, but you know in what sense I mean)? And it is this situation that confounds me. I would be happy for her if she liked someone else and she succeeded in her venture and so on, but I would also be a bit jealous of said guy, obviously. And clearly, as shown through our previous conversations before the program, there's at least a molecule of chemistry between us.
So Z is back in the picture now, probably due to my skewed perception of people's actions and intent. And so is F, probably for the same reason. But there's a greater chance that F likes me more than Z since we've talked more often, stole my afro pick, and were fake married. But if something were to happen, I wouldnt be settling, which I want to avoid on both sides of a hypothetical relationship, because it makes the other person seem so insignificant and be treated like a toy. I can like them both, its possible, almost equally. or maybe Im lying to myself so that I wont feel bad "settling" with F. But it wouldnt feel that way to me. At least not now.
This entry might seem confusing because I'm writing it over a span of a day or three days, so bear(bare?) with me here.
I think I've discovered something. I'm not looking for a relationship in the common use of the term. I'm looking for a best friend. Someone I can talk to any time about anything, someone who is constant. And all those qualities that make up a reliable, caring, dependable, funny, easy to talk to, thoughtful, etc, person. And F and Z just happen to fit those terms fairly well and just happen to be girls. Yes, there could be guys who fit that description, and I think some here may fit that description, but there's also the complicating element of relationships between guys and girls that adds a certain expectation. And I may want this possibly because the firendships I have now aren't fulfilling enough, and I haven't found anyone, aside from maybe one or two people, that I've really liked a lot. Am I dissatisfied? I don't know if I'd put it that way, but what is true is that I'm looking for something more. And because I'm almost halfway done, I'm getting more and more worried. I guess I lied about what I wrote earlier about worrying now. And I know I'm not looking for something more because everyone else has something more and is satisfied, I'm looking because I want my life to be more rich. And I know its possible. And another thing. It may seem like I'm upset or worrisome or lamentful, but these days are some of the best days I've had in my life, along with camp. It's simply relative, my complaints. My complaints would be much more at home. So I'm only having the time of my life up until the age of 46 or so, whereas I'd want it to be the time of my whole life. No doubt I'm learning, no doubt whatsoever. Especially about myself, which is a great thing. I've learned that I need to analyze less, that people do like me for who I am, I don't need to pretend to be someone else, and that sometimes you just gotta chill. And that I need to make the most out of the short time I have on this here planet, by learning, by experiencing, by thinking. And that I need a specific philosophy by which to live by, and not to try to encompass everything in the universe into your life, because you will fail, and I know from first hand experience. My philosophy is, obviously, from a Bob Dylan song, and I've probably already written it down on a previous blog entry, but it bears repeating. "He who is not busy being born is busy dying". I interpret it as meaning that we shoudl also strive for something more, something better, and always be creative and create, make, and invent all the time. Imitation will be the death of me. I think it was Emerson or Whitman who warned of the dangers of imitation. Well I firmly believe that. And I hope that you do to, or at least you now have a better understanding of where I'm coming from, though it may not always seem like that, because I forget my philosophy a lot of the time, which is probably a major factor in my dissapointments, not only here, but at home too. So, this is my way of being born, of writing something thats never been written before, to create letters and words and sentences that have never existed before now. To stir thought in others when they read, and to stir my own thoughts when I reread them. This is my goal. And I may forget it sometimes, but damn, its important.

Spit yo' game, talk yo shit, gab your gat, call that hit

First off, I apologize for not updating in a week, I am just a very busy person nowadays and have a lot of things to do now, which I guess is a good thing, instead of having too much time to be lazy and isolated while being on my computer. A lot of things have changed, almost all for the better, if anything. Since last Tuesday, Ive gone on a tiyul or three to different places, the first being these tiny tunnels that you had to crawl through, from the Bar Kochba revolt, which is basically a failed Jewish revolt against Roman oppression, where the Jews hid in caves when not fighting and lived in them. I love these kind of trips because you actually get to experience physically the same thing the historical subjects experienced, for the most part. I think I pulled some Pelvic muscle when I was crawling through the cave, because my lower torso area on my waist was in pain when I stretched or moved a certain way, but thats all healed now. We then went to some hill that was said to have staged the fight between David and Goliath, which cliche-like and expected, can parallel my own struggles and successes. The view was fabulous, as many of them have been throughout the trip. Looking through the vast valleys and hills, filled with lush vegetation brimming with life and the beauty of nature. It was still difficult to get over Z, but I'm managing to do so ever so slowly. Speaking of that stuff, I have new developments in that same area, but you'll have to wait a bit until I get to the juicy part. That tiyul was good, than a coupla days of the same old same old school days. but not old school days, because this is definitely not old school. its more like suck school. because it sucks. get it? its not THAT bad, but its so tiring and long that you couldn't do this for five days a week, which is why we have so many field trips. Probably. We like to make fun of our incompetent physics teacher, but its a lot easier than at home and i wind up just teaching myself the material alone. APUS is difficult in that we have an essay due every Monday and that I usually dont start until Sunday night, which is primarily my fault for procrastinating. But if you know me at all, you'd know that I am the procrastinators of procrastinators. But I always get it done, and it builds good work ethic and the such, etc, etc. English is a strange thing. Im kind of intimidated in a weird way by the teacher, but sometimes I write the essays really quickly because of my lack of time here on this program that takes place in Israel on a kibbutz near Jerusalem. And Im sucking at the practice AP tests which isnt very good. clearly. and math is easy as pi. HARHARHAR I crack myself up sometimes. anyway, I went to my sisters over friday night and most of Saturday, on a hella expensive taxi ride that wound up being $300. it was worth it though because I got to see my sister and eat some real food and see her dog that they adopted and go on a hike and see cool abandoned Byzantine ruins and visit an awesome lake in the desert and walk through this tiny israeli desert town in bumfuck, Negev. I also got to meet her boyfriend, who is actually really awesome and might come to the Phish concert with my and my sis. But I really enjoyed it and my sister is really great to be around AND she gave me 120 movies on my portable hard drive, which makes up a little for my ipod breaking. but not. because i need my ipod more than I want movies. but they are good movies, frankly. and the taxi ride there wa awesome because we drove all along the dead sea while listening to ABBA, but we had to stop a few times because the driver wasnt sure where he was going. And on the way back we listened to some Beatles which really put me in a nice mood and made me fall asleep about the fifth time Eleanor Rigby was played. But the great thing was that when I came back, several people ran up to me and hugged me saying they missed me, which was a much needed boost in self confidence, and one of those that ran up to me will be discussed in detail later in this post. But after this another painful day of school followed, but today and last night were really great because it was Purim, and in Israel, it is a very widely celebrated holiday. It basically celebrates the Jews' escape from near genocide, but whats funny is that in the story, it says very slyly that 75,000 were killed because of their attempt to try to kill the Jews, which is totally hypocritical and stupid, but I guess a lot of religion is like that sometimes, and we just need to hope that God is on our side. Anyway, I wore my suit with bowtie, ray bans, and a afro pick in my hair, and I must say I looked pretty baller. There was a dance party, which over the course of this trip I have been coming to love, especially when youre with a bunch of white Jews, nobody can really dance so you just flip out and do whatever you want, which is pretty awesome. And it lets you lose your inhibitions or whatnot and makes you feel really stress free. the next day we traveled to a city near Tel Aviv called Holon where there supposedly was some big Purim parade, but all I coudl see in the street was the top half on a giant turtle, and an Obama statue. It was fun running through the packed streets trying to keep up with each other without getting sucked in by the crowd, and at the end we found some not half bad pizza. I was trying to dress as a Deadhead, with my sandals, frayed shorts, grateful dead t shirt, and my picked out fro, which actually recieved many a compliment today. The kids I was with were all really awesome, though sometimes I get annoyed by them, and that doesnt mean THEYRE annoying, it just means that I get annoyed by them, occasionally due to my own faults. Anyway, we went back and had a bunch of free time and just hung out and played pokemon like usual. But I did find out that my english teacher back home has read some of this blog, which pleased me greatly, especially since I had emailed him awhile ago, and wasnt sure if he recieved it, but he did. And he referenced my project from over a month ago, which shows that he really pays attention to his students' work. Hopefully my writing skills are making him proud. And we got this talk by our madrich (counselor) about us guys in our group (our whole school is divided ito three groups, though we are mixed for classes) who were "disrespectful" to the madrichim by being late to things and not listening to them when they talk. Our punishment was rooms in one hour earlier, which doesnt really effect me because I probably would have been in my room anyway, unless something special happened, something that I hope would happen. (Im talking in generic terms here, I'm not referring to a specific event) The madrich that gave us the punishment (which was argued about for a long while) can sometimes be a complete annoyance and bother, but most of the time he's very funny and fun to be with. Anyway, what you've all been waiting to hear this so I might as well start now.

I'll refer to her as F. We are fake married, ever since we really talked when we were in Eilat about solar panels of all things. I must of made a good impression when I faked an obsession over solar panels as she asked me if i wanted to go with her and some others to this kibbutz with the largest solar panel or something along those lines. She's quite attractive,and there are so many good thngs about her that could potentially allow me to forget Z, though she will always have a spot in my mind. Speaking of Z, I found out that she knows that I was into her, thanls to some friends of mine. But I'm not upset really, and she seems to be talking to me more since I found that out, though I dont know when she found out. For some egotistical and stupid reason, I like it when I find out people were talking about me. It makes me feel that I made an impression on another person or two and that I'm worthy of being spoken about. Anyay, back to F. We are in the same math class, and we have begun to sit next to each other, whereas before we sat at opposite ends of the room. And she sat next to me the first day and started this trend, so I hope she is at least in the most minute way interested in me. But for me to believe that, I need to have self-confidence, which I am slowly discovering. Anyway, when i got back from my sister's, she ran up to me and hugged me, and we walked together for about a minute towards my room, which seems insignificant, but to me it means so much more. And that another issue I have. That I take the smallest actions and enlarge it to mean something much bigger than the action itself. And I've been trying to sit with her at meals. And at Holon at the parade, we talked a good amount and she stole my afro pick and still has it, so i hope that means something, though it could just be my magnification problem. but what I found out too is that she asked a friend of mine before to go on a walk to a certain place on the kibbutz, which of course means something big (and thats not magnifying it), but she had to leave, so nothing ever happened, thank God, but I don't know what to make of it. i should just let it pass as she seems to talk to me more than to him. In fact, I've never seen them talk before. And we hung out a lot at the Purim eve dance party and danced together (not a real dance like Back to the future school, but crazy uninhibited dancing). but I also danced with her friend a lot that likes to hold hands with me and at Holon, in front of F, she was definitely, I dont want to say flirting, but something along those lines, but Ive seen her do it with other guys, so I dont take it too seriously, and she already has a husband like I'm married to F. but as this "flirting" was in front of F, I could sense she was a little peeved, which I liked to see , knowing she cares about other girls and me. I think jealousy is cute and reassuring.
Anyway, its gettin' late, the sun is way past set, and all the kinder are deep in REM sleep. I think F could really work out, I really do. Except when it comes to getting physical, I'd have no clue what to do. At all. because, and I'll be honest here and reveal something about myself, I've never done anything of the sort, which is why i often get depressed and develop low conidence when I compare myself to others. But I shouldnt worry about it and shouldnt rush it, or else it wont be real, I need to just let it come naturally. And my roommate said he'd help me, so I have some personal support, in addition to all of you guys whom I hope are rooting for the Max team. Anyway, Mr. Sandman is calling me to bed,so i best be getting on my mery old way. I promise to update more often than this last week. Au revoir! Afeerdezen!

Sock 'em Boppers

Wow. What an embarassing moment/really guilt-ridden I had today. If you remember that I commented on the person sitting next to me on the way from Eilat to the Bedouin tents, that person facebook chatted me something like "how would you describe me, not using "caring"and "loyal"" while I was away from fbook. So naturally, my paranoid self thought that they were referring to my comment on my last blog about them, but in reality, as I later found out, it was for a self-evaluation they were doing, and had already used those words. So for an hour or so I felt awful and I wrote a really heartfelt apology and messaged it to them, and I approached them later, soon finding out what they really meant in that message and me having to explain what I wrote and what I thought and telling them in person that I wrote some not super positive things about them. I still feel terrible, but I assumed they read my blog because it all connected very well, and this blog has an open link to it on my fbook page. Anyway, it seems like something that would happen in a sitcom or not in real life because it was just to perfectly arranged, this mess.
Today and yesterday were regular school days, where I arranged for a lot of guys on the program to download pokemon on their computers, and now a lot of people are playing it, including me. It really relives my childhood memories of countless hours playing pokemon all day. It made me feel good that I was able to spread this joy to others, and I felt like I contributed something to the community.
Big news guys. Operation Z has oficially been aborted. I found out today that she likes someone else from one of her friends, which is definitely upsetting, but I cant say I thought it would actually work out. It was definitiely more like a fantasy than a reality. And the upsetting feeling I have is all my own fault, none of it hers. It was me who brought my hopes up and it was me who liked her. But I have to say it came at a time when I was expecting something of the sort and while I was trying to distance us so that I wouldn't be fixated on her. Its something of a loss for me, no doubt, but I need to move on, to advance, to proceed. Feeling remorseful has no purpose, it simply hurts me. And lord knows I've done too much of that in the past. But Im glad I dont know who she likes, because I would just be angry at that person and so forth for stupid reasons and it too would have no purpose. And Im glad that i dont have to worry about impressing her anymore, and that I dont feel like I HAVE to like anyone else imediately after I forget about someone else. yes, there are candidates, but I have yet to see if they are worth pursuing. Thats a dumb word to use, it sounds like girls are like Albino Rhinoceri in the African Wilderness and Im a poacher who has to pursue them for their ebony or what have you. The ebony being a metaphor for a relationship. not anything else in case you have a sick mind. Well needless to say I feel pretty disheartened and at a loss, but I have to accept these things and move on, as I have been saying all along. This dissapointment led to a pretty depressed mood for part of the next day (after the afermentioned incident) when we crawled through Bar Kochba tunnels which definitely pulled a pelvic muscle, but made me realize with how much fervor the Jews of the past cared about their identity, something that has carried us through the present day, never losing faith, and thats what allows us to survive, unbending faith in something concrete, in a motto, a philosophy, etc. My philosophy comes from a Bob Dylan quote (duh) from one of his songs where he sings "He who is not busy being born is busy dying". I interpret this as saying that I (or we) need to constantly move forward and create something new all the time, to move forward, progress. becuase things can always get better. Its always a possibility, and for a large chunk of my life I did not beleive that. But my depressed mood led me to think of my social awkwardness and my social ineptitude (as it always leads to) and made me just want to devote myself to one specific thing like a craftsman would do back in the day and not care about relationships with other people and simply live for my trade or hobby or etc. But I know this is unhealthy and unnatural as humans are social beings. We were made to reproduce, and to do that social interaction is necessary. If you havent picked up on it, which you probably havent seeing that I havent talked about it too much, I have a firm belief in the natural order of things and how things in my life are related to survival and the process of reproduction, even if it does sound a bit weird to say reproduction, but isnt that what out genes yearn for? to duplicate? Isnt that how the most fundamental processes of evolution takes place? Anyway, I eventually escaped that funk, but I still fell pretty empty.
I am seeing my sister in the south on friday and saturday, but the taxi ride is ridiculously expensive. I mean ridiculous. Like outrageous. But Im trying to carpool with someone so it wont be as ridiculous. But Im sure I'll get there somehow, and its definitely worth the price; to stay with my sister for Shabbat. Im hoping we'll catch up on LOST and share some music and movies.

Regardless, my current state is a weird one. On one hand, Im happy that Im losing interest in someone who isnt interested in me, but on the other hand, Im also upset for the same reason in that I wanted her to like me, etc.... Its definitely not a positive mood, but its not so much of a negative mood either. This is my real first foray into this kind of business, so I guess I dont really know what to expect. Ah well. Time, my friend, time.

Hearing the colors of your dreams

So now I have a lot of leisure time. I arrived just an hour or two ago from the bedouin tent where we stayed at last night. It kind of dissapointed me in that it was not a real bedouin tent and it seemed too much like a fake amusement park with its trees and heated and lighted tents. Apparently this place is actually owned by Israelis and is simply a tourist attraction, which upsets me beause I'm one for authenticity and the real thing. I can't stand replications or imitations. Also, we were supposed to go camelback riding, but it rained (in the fucking desert!) too much and so we couldn't, but I suppose I'll get the chance to when I return with a different program in summer. And apparently camels are assholes so I guess I'm not missing much. But back to the last week. In detail. Masada was actually very enjoyable, especially because I'm infatuated with nature and hiking and those sort of things. The climb up was tough, and I managed to have a brief conversation with Z, but one or both of us changed pace and lost each other. Omen, anyone? I hope not. And I also felt that the view from the top, seeing the sunrise over the dead sea, was really something astounding and to be marveled at. I was also really lucky that it was cold that day, as people often do it in the sweltering heat of the Israeli summer. But of course I'll have to do that again later this year. And the whole reason we went was because it was part of our jewish history class, so therefore we learned about the tragic history of masada. But basically the idea of masada today is that it will not fall again, basically another Zionist creed that states that the Jewish people need to protect their land. I do consider myself a Zionist in one repsect, but I think the Israeli government and the means of acquisition of the land and protection are out of line and wrong. But thats just my opinion. And that can be explored in detail another day. The hostel was very nice, and I spent some time with this other girl whom I think likes me, but Im not too sure. I hate to say it, but I feel like she's one of my backups or something along those lines. She's not any less of a person, but just in case I get flat out rejected, than I have something else to work on. And it may seem that I'm desperate, but after 16 and a half years of never doing anything of the sort, it makes some sense. And it's not like I'd go for anyone who likes me. The last thing I want to do is to not have any standards. And I need to keep my options open too. I can't lock myself into one situation.
So after Masada we ventured of to the nearby dead sea, which is a really salty sea and the lowest point on earth. I mean, besides the bottom of the ocean. That's lower. Clearly. Anyways, my cuts stung and I couldn't really control the movement of my body, but it was fun, especially rubbing mud all over my body. And no, I wasn't reverting back to my homo erectus stage, but everyone was doing it too and supposedly it really helps your skin. And it did feel really smooth after too. But it was also here at the dead sea that I made a fool out of myself once again to Z, becuase I stupidly and awkwardly complimented her on her dress on Shabbat, at which point she and her friend laughed. Also, in the ample amount of free time given to us, it was sometimes hard to find people to hang out with, but I did eventually, or just hung out and slept in my room, which had nasty ass bathrooms and you could enter the room by reaching your arm through a window next to the front door. What a cheap hotel. Anyways, after that adventure of several awkward encounters and so forth, we were all nervous about going to gadna, a five day israeli army prepping program for teens. I started out not knowing what to expect, but in the end I absolutely loved it, even the really strenuous physcial activity (at least for me) and the constant discipline that needed to be followed. Our tzevvet (unit) got really close, especially after bonding over pokemon, which our commander also liked. The food was actually not terrible, but i really needed more and warmer sleep. I shot a gun, which is almost the equivalent of growing an extra testicle. But it was such a unique experience and I got to talk to Z a bit more here, despite the lack of a lot of free time. The members of my tzevvet were all really great guys, and I really got to bond with them and especially the guys i never talked to before. and after gadna, its been said that the group in total gets a lot closer, which i beleived has happened, becuase you learn to work as a group and a unit in the army. So after the bitter farewell (at least for me, other people, mainly girls, hated gadna) we departed for a long journey to eilat, the southernmost city in israel, and the southernmost in the world that ive ever been. And i could see four countries! Egypt, Jordan, Saudi Arabia, and Israel. And Denmark. I also snorkled, but i couldnt really control my breathing correctly and accidentally swallowed a lot of saltwater. It sucked. Its like my throat got raped by a saltshaker. But the colorful fish and coral was worth it. And i payed for liek four people's ice creams. And I forgot who they were so I cant get my money back. Im stupid. After being in our less shitty hostel (comapred to the dead sea), some people went on this desert tiyul/hike which was really fun and amazingly gorgeous. In this time in Eilat, I helped to build my social life further, which actually worked this time. I made a new wife too! Sweet. I is a pimp. So after that, we ventured to a bedouin tent, where it rained basically the whole time we were there, and also helped to cancel our camel riding experience. But i'll do that in the summer probably. But the tents were so disney-land fake and unreal, that its hard to take it seriously when its so inauthentic. So we returned home, sitting next to my friend who can sometimes be annoying in that she talks about things like she understands them completely and is above other people, but shes a good person and I shouldny complain because she is my friend too. I also on this trip let a girl borrow my sweater, who gave it to another girl, who gave it back to me, and also coincided with another kid who had the same exact sweater. Weird. AND i actually stepped on a tack at the hostel. I thouhgt that only happened in cartoons. I guess I was wrong. Anywhosits, we went to the mall to eat, and I got this kick ass ice cream and bagel, but next time im so getting pizza or something at sbarro. it looked delicious. We finally returned home to the kibbutz, got our new roomates, one being the same as before, but I have two new ones as well. and they are both pretty good guys. but carrying my stuff back from the storage to the room sucked. OH AND MY FUCKING IPOD BROKE. FUCK. that was like my lifesource. but im not too pissed becuase my handy dandy laptop still has my music on it. nice save, max.

Regarding personal shit, things are up and down. Socially, for the most part, things look up, me making new and better friends without too much fear/pressure, but sometimes I feel very lonely and desolate, seeing everyone else talking to people except for me. I think I can't store the good times well enough to carry me through the difficult times. I need to work on my storage skills. But aside from that, the Z situation has really been bothering me, and I still dont know why I like her so much or why I care so much. My chances look slim, but I know I'll just be weaker if I dont try to at least get closer to her. And theres another guy who she was friends with form before that are pretty close, and today while we had a movie night about the first lebanon war, she leaned her head on his shoulder and was sitting right in front of me too, and I felt my heart literally plunge inside my body into my pancreas. And thats my only pancreas too. And she knits. HOW CUTE IS THAT. honestly. I still have this weird feeling when I see her or hear her name, so I guess I still havent moved on like I thought I had been recently, but I feel like my phase has weakened. But I still really like her. And I really want this to work, because it woul dbe my first obe of these things, and would prove to myself that I really could accomplish something I set my mind to. If you will it, it is no dream. I find that particulalrly appropriate with me being in Israel. Im Tirzu, Ein Zo Agada.