Equatorial Expedience

So I only have 13 minutes to write, given that I payed 15 shekels to use the internet at this kiosk in the youth hostel i am currently stationed at in Eilat, the closest I have ever been to the equator. Oh yeah, and its supposed to be 10 shekels. Anyway, I have a lot to write about and not a lot of time to write it. If needed, I will write more later when I can use the internet for free. But this last week we went to Masada, which for those of you who dont know is a huge plateau where a bunch of Jews killed themselves instead of giving in to their Roman attackers. It seems like a failure and that there would be no positive significance to the site, but it was pointed out to me that it is the fact that they lived and died for their freedom, and refused to become slaves to others. So that was pretty inspirational in itself, as was the vast, gorgeous view of the south of Israel. The hike up was challenging, especially at 4 in the morning, but it was still very fun and enjoyable, depsite the harsh climb, which I will have to do again in the sweltering heat in the summer. Afterwards, we left the very nice Masada hostel and continued to our shitty Dead Sea hotel where you could open the doors through the window without needing a key. But the dead sea was fun, floating without effort, and having all my cuts sting like no other. And spreading mud all over my body, that was fun too. And very exfoliating.
After that, we continued to Gadna, which is basically five days of watered down Israeli army basic training. This experience was like no other I have ever had. The physical parts tore up my knees and made my body sore like no other, especially getting 5 hours of sleep and being woken up by the resident dogs on the desert army base. It was tough, but our mephaked (the commander) was amazingly chill and philosophical and our tzevet (our unit) was amazing, and we bonded really well, especially over our hard labors and over our obsession with pokemon, which turned out to be even more hilarious as our commander also like pokemon, as we discovered in the end, where he gave us a parting message and his email address, and his name and age. I only have 2 minutes to write, so I cant update you guys on Z or anything personal like that, but I assure you, theres a lot to talk about regarding that kind of stuff. So next time, in about two days or so, i will give you dear readers a good, complete update. farewell

Grip

That's what I need, a grip. A hold on life, solid ground, steady feet, etc, etc, etc. I need a philosophy, a motto, a mantra, a reason for living. I need something specific. And not something general and paradoxical like "to find meaning" or "to live". I don't really know if I should have one yet at my young age, but I've never really asked any of peers, let alone anyone, their "reason". So I could just be naive. I don't really know how to use that word. I hope it makes sense.
But I have no direction. I mean, besides going to college, getting a job, getting married, etc. But thats just a typical plan. It doesn't really mean anything. It has no meat to it. No essence. Its the steel reinforcers in the building of life.
Anyway, Im sitting in a friends room right now writing this, trying to expand my horizons and become more social. I guess its working, because I was invited, so that means something. And that social part is beginning to bother me less and less, unless there are a multitude of people in groups, and I can't enter one because there's no open space or I don't want to intrude. Its very specific, but right now this is next on my to-improve list.
The situation with Z hasn't really changed, except for me telling my good friend about it in passing, without any real feedback. But I expect that to come with time, hopefully. I can never know. I've tamed my jealousy really well after the last entry, actually, especially after getting some feedback from my wonderful readers. It's still an issue, but I try to catch it and push it back. I've also come to realization with some help *wink* that my jealousy is really just my insecurity, which is probably right. But these are my problems, and here are their analyses.

Today, we went to the Israel Museum which had a really impressive model of 1st century BC Jerusalem, complete with the Temple. I joked that I wanted to be godzilla and stomp over it, or get toy soldiers and play in it. Honestly, it would probably be the most fun I would have had in a while if I could do that. I can be really childish sometimes. Anyway, we saw the dead sea scrolls at the Shrine of the Book which were pretty impressive, but what really impressed me was this one room, all white marble, with a hole at the top to see the clear blue sky. We were ked in with our eyes closed, so it had an even bigger impact when iI opened them. I don't know what the architect's intention was in making this structure, but for me it represented something pure, innocent, yet strong. Only seeing the sky is an amazing thing.

I am going to be away for the next ten days, so you wont hear another blog entry from me for a while, sadly. But, I'm sure when I get back there'll be tons and tons of stuff to write about, and perhaps some updates on Z if anything does happen. Which according to my past history, nothing will happen. But I can change. That's the whole process I'm going through in this journey. Change. And Lord knows I need it. I think I'm going to ask my two best female friends what to do, one of them being the one who is friends with Z. Even though I've asked several people what to do, but these two actually know the girl. So..... And I have also asked myself if I am ready, considering this state I'm in. But I think that for this, I can change quick and effectively. Is this the foremost thought in my head? Perhaps, but I know I don't obsess over it, though this blog doesn't really back that idea up. I'm far to busy to spend time on that, and why should she control how I feel? She shouldn't, and I can also prevent that. I need to take this issue calmly and collectedly with confidence, and know in my head that this is possible. I've actually thought about if it did happen, and I've concluded that I would one very happy camper.

On a much more serious note, perhaps the most serious note that can be written about, during English class, for some reason, I developed this paralyzing fear of death that I've only had once before. Because I'm not to firm a believer in an afterlife or heaven, it destroys me to think of not existing. But its not the regular fear, its this actual fear, this mortal fear, the greatest fear of fears. Im lucky that its not consuming me all the time, that I can really live withour this fear. But I need to acknowledge it. And I need to leave my mark here on earth to ensure my immortality, perhaps through children, or being a leader of some sort, or whatever. I need to learn to live through these mediums, so that I will always exist. It's turning out to be a challenge to make the most out of my time here on earth. And it's the greatest challenge I will ever undertake.

So long for now. I hope I've answered some people's questions/worries about me. But for right now at this moment, I feel very empowered and confident that I can do this. "This" refers to everything I've mentioned, not just the Z case.

Tears and Fears

What a day.
Honestly, I don't know what to do in these situations, and it makes me feel more that I'm a very awkward person. We had a service/ceremony/remembrance for the kid's father who very unfortunately passed away. Of course, many people were crying and I have to admit that I almost shed a tear and could feel my throat choke up. But it was mainly because I was thinking of if those things would happen to me and past experiences with death. But I don't know what to say to all the girls who were crying, especially if I should approach Z with a back tap or whatever, which I failed to do, whether foolishly or not. And another problem that I have is my insane level of jealousy that I feel. I mean Jesus Christ, its one of the ten commandments not to covet thy neighbors possessions/interpreted as being jealous/envious. And I hate this, because this is what destroys me. I can't see Z talking to another guy without feeling something, and I hate myself for it because there's no way that I can tell if she likes him or if hes just a casual friend. And I know nobody would be with someone who gets jealous like that BUT shows it too. That's the thing about me. I'm probably the world's worst person, but since I don't show any of it nobody knows.
Just kidding, I'm a very generous, caring, loving human being. But seriously, the jealousy some times is so ridiculously unnecessary that even when other people laugh I get this ugly feeling in my gut. Maybe I want to be a part of it, or that I think that someone else is funny instead of me. I hold on to that quality of me so dearly because its the only compliment I ever get, so I need it to be worth something and need to defend it or else I am empty handed in this devouring world we live in. But the important thing is that i think that I'm actually a better person for not acting on my jealousy, not to toot my own horn or anything, but thats simply how I justify it. Actions are what make the world go round, not thought. But any kind of action, even if it be writing down your thoughts like I am doing currently.
But I don't even know why I like Z or why I care so much. There are definitely more physically attractive girls and ones that are easier to talk to and even ones that like me. I guess I just cant control these feelings. God, that sounds so teen angsty. I guess thats what I'm going through, a classic case of teen angst. Maybe. I actually dont know what the angst entails, but I'm a teen who feels angst, so I might as well label it as teen angst. It seems like I may be obsessing a little, but if you knew what guys actually thought it wouldn't be much different that what I'm writing about. I think I just assumed that all my readers are female, which I hope aren't and that I have a bigger fan base than just my loyal females.
And in addition to that sad ceremony, there's also one kid who has to leave for medical reasons, and we had a little thing for that, which was actually funny and not incredibly sad. I can't say I know how she feels because I don't, but I went through something similar when I had to leave camp after only 1 and a half weeks. If you want to know why, you'll just have to catch me at a vulnerable moment or whatnot. I've only told two people outside my family, and they were my best friend and Z, in one of those convos we had leading up to this program. And thats what bugs me too, is that we had all these conversations online and even vidchats, but apparently it doesn't mean anything to her. Jesus, girls are confusing.
What a ridiculous day. I never thought so much could happen in one day. It all just seems so surreal, and like the first days I was here, it still feels like a lucid dream, though sometimes it turns out to be a bad one. But to reassure everyone, I do have a tentative plan to further my appeal to Z, and it involves talking to her friend which happens to be my closest friend on the program. But I really don't know how to initiate the conversation, so if any of you have any advice/tips/consolations/words of wisdom/midrashim/annotations/feedback, you know how to contact me.
Peace out girl scout

Melancholic Bubbles

Once again, I apologize for skipping a few days, I've just either been busy or too tired to write. But I march on writing, taking notice of my avid fans and the necessity to record this journey. Friday was a fun day, for the most part, minus the Jewish History test and essay. I think I rocked the shit out of that essay, but the test is another story, me messing up a bunch of answers and being prepared for the facts not on the test (of course it would happen to me). Afterwords I dont exactly recall what I had done, but probably just stayed in my room. And this is another thing. I hate staying in my room (most of the time) during free time and not hanging out with people. The fault is probably mine for not making the effort, but it seems like all my other friends go back to their rooms too. Maybe its just the select few who hang out outside on school nights. I hope so. This type of thing was also a problem at camp (for the few days I actually spent there last summer) where I would stay in my cabin and listen to music or read or whatnot if nobody else was around. Trust me, I never wanted to do that, but gladly, over the years I've been at camp, its dramatically improved, whereas last year it was a smaller issue.

So friday night I dressed up in my suit and bowtie (pictures are up on fbook for those stalker-types) and people generally liked it a lot, and it took me a lot of guts to go at it alone, but I told myself that I needed to do something brave like that. At least its brave on my personal scale. I was hoping that the girl I liked would notice, and she did, but very briefly and it wasnt even spoken, it was with silent hand gestures. I dont know if that significant or not. At least its something instead of nothing or dissaproval. I also told myself that it would weed out the people I wouldn't want to be friends with, them being the ones without a sense of humour who would think I was strange. But nonetheless I rocked it. That night I watched some Freaks and Geeks with two people/friends, and Saturday I watched more with other people, about 4 of them. Im still hoping to one day making a Girl Talk party. That would be so amazing and beautiful. ahhhhhhh. I also missed calling my friend's radio show back in the States because I was talking to my parents and sister.

My Sister, as well as an avid reader of this blog *wink wink* have given me some advice for social stuff, including stuff about the girl who I like, who will henceforth be known as Z. My sister gave the advice to take things slowly ad talk to her more and not to worry about it too much and let it control me. God knows I dont want to be that kind of person, being obsessed over someone. It was generally reassuring. Also the avid reader who gave me advice, didnt actually give me any real, practical advice at all, but nonetheless I thoroughly enjoyed our conversation and I did recieve a tip or two. Its strange, because we only occasionally talked before, but now, whenever we're both on fbook, we always talk. I'm just really clueless to this whole people business, and sometimes I think about that and everything else (THE everything else) in ways that dont necessarily benefit my mood. I just need to narrow my focus while remaining open minded, and head a sure course. I need to ignore or make retreat my demons, and rebuild the ruins of my previous life. Like a Phoenix from ashes. But sometimes I can't help it, and it overwhelms me. I get stuck in a ditch and can't escape for a while.

Well besides that, classes are overwhelmingly stupid and idiotic, making no sense with idiotic teachers that dont know what theyre teaching. Except for my Jewish history and hebrew classes. that because those are the mandatory ones on the program. But the rest have teahcers that dont understand the material and have no logical order in which they teach. Speaking of classes, I need to go to class right now. So au revoir, averderzen, goodbye, shalom, etc, etc, I hope you have a good day Sir or Madam.

Remember When I Used To Eat Sardines For Dinner?

My sincerest apologies for skipping two valuable blogs about the past two days. Things, like I've said before, have began to settle, but there is still a lot to be worked on.
First, before I delve into personal stuff, there's the trip to the City Of David in Jerusalem that we took. The information was very cool and all, but there seemed to be so little archeological finds and stuff that it seemed very doubtful, especially without the aid of the Tanach as a history book. My skepticism follows me wherever I go, never leaving any stone unturned. So it is bound to show up in Israel. Anyway, it was super windy and cold outside, and I climbed some pretty freaking steep stairs and narrow tunnels. Like exactly enough room for the width of my body. No joke. Those ancient Israelites amaze me sometimes. Anyway, as soon as we started to leave for the buses, it started raining and hailing like no other, similar to the time on Ben Yehuda street.

Anyway, things seem to be settling down, my groups of friends slowly forming, but not cliquey enough that it would prevent me from befriending anyone in the future. For some reason, I feel really intent on befriending or being in a relationship with a certain person, but this is not something uncommon for me. I mean, I'm not saying that I obsess over certain people, but that they catch my attention over others and are simply people that stand out to me. That's normal. In other words, there's this girl I like. (ooooooooooh) I know its cute that Max likes someone and all, but take me seriously. But I don't know if I should pursue it if I am as inexperienced as I think I am, yet she's an amazing person. So first, I'm conflicted about that, second I really have no idea of knowing if she could like me like that or any way to go about making it a reality. I guess what I'm looking for is a magic answer, something specific I can do, but I know that those are few and far between. Is that the correct phrase? I get confused with my sayings and phrases sometimes. I realize that writing this (and past entries) reveal a lot about me, but a lot of it is for personal reflection, as putting it into writing helps me put things in perspective and helps me think more analytically and realistically, as I can now read my thoughts on something tangible, rather than intangible thoughts.

H.D. Thoreau is mah G

So today began with a ridiculously early wake up time (at least for here) at about 630 as we went on our tiyul to some ancient arab village made in the judean hills. The first half of the day was basically just an overdose of nature, which I most surely welcome with open arms. We walked to the site from the kibbutz and made our way through the mostly barren terraces, that once bore volumes of fruit this past season. The hiking was tough, especially in my non-hiking boots and jeans. God, I was unprepared. Regardless, it was great fun walking through history and all, even if I did sweat profusely.

I think I'm finally getting into the swing of things. I've established the minimum amount of close friends in order to feel comfortable, but of course I'd prefer to make more to diversify my assets. I just fear, like i said before, of suffocating certain people by hanging around them too much. But overall, I've built up a pretty stable social situation, but I keep comparing it to other people's relationships that are much more touchy-feely and closer. And I know I shouldn't be jealous or covet my neighbors things but sometimes I put myself down by comparing things in my life to those in other people's. But sometimes I have to believe that. That my life lacks compared to others'. And I just can't take that for some reason.But I know that I need to live my own life in my own way and so on and so forth blah blah blah but its much easier said than done.

The Golden Road

So it comes to this. I actually don't know what that refers to, but whatevs. Today went by all too fast. I can't even remember some of the things that have happened, but I do remember falling asleep, trying to do homework but epically failing at it. I have a history paper I need to write tomorrow. And my English class is so repetitive and I feel like I'm losing my touch at writing. At least I have this outlet to experiment with. I had some kick ass hummus today though, jesus, it was so good. That's a really weird habit I have, saying jesus. Its weird, because it doesnt't really mean anything. Its just a really important guy's name. Or that creep from the Big Lebowski. Or my server at Panera Bread. And everybody threw a shitfit today when they announced that watching a movie was mandatory, because everyone had tons of homework to do, and they eventually recalled that demand. I also worked on my hebrew project with some cool people, but they seem really incapable of organization, so I have to take charge. This happens a lot in school groups. Ugghhh, that word, school. Sends shivers down me spine. And the days here are grueling. GRUELING. Kind of sounds like a type of monster or gargoyle. A grueling lived underneath the bridge and scared passerbys. Something like that. Lately a lot of weird linguistical stuff has been happening that entails me rethinking the definition of a word or phrase, and acting liek I forgot it and was hearing it for the first time and wondering where the hell it came from. And sometimes I can't tell if I made up a phrase or if its a real, usable one. i'm going crazy, I know.

So I've begun to hear stories about various hookups and such, and it seems a bit early, but things happen, and I'm not one to judge. But i've never understood the pleasure of hooking up. Maybe it's because I'm just really socially inept, but I just think of it as unecessary behaviors that have no real backing except physical features. And that too. Aside from the actual act of sex, I don't see any pleasure in anything else like making out or anything. Am I alone in this? Am I just really ignorant because I've never actually known the experience? And the only thing i can think that could be beneficial would be the reputation reassurance it would give the participants. But, and it sounds pretty unmanly (but so do a lot of things I say and do), I seek a more real relationship where the two people actually care about the other person and not the immediate physical pleasures that I still don't understand. Wow, that sounds pretty cheesy. But thats what I believe, so suck it. And I think its funny how two of the closest female friends I have are both in relationships. Maybe that fact makes me more comfortable around them, because I know I don't have that option in the friendship/relationship, which releives a lot of stress I have around single people. But alas, such is my luck.

The Times They Have A-Changed

Just as a preface, I forgot to mention the sex talk that was given to us the other day (wednesday?) about what constitutes rape and so on, and everyone has been making fun of their rules saying that you'll get raped if you're with a guy and the door is closed. Things like that.

Today was a strange day. Very two-sided. At first, we volunteered at an Israeli kindergarten and helped them cut fruit and plant flowers. I couldn't really communicate with them, realizing how bad my hebrew truly is. But very sadly, we later learned that someone in our group had lost their father, and that he had just left to return home. I didn't know the kid that well, but my deepest sympathies go out to him and his family. It created a very somber atmosphere, something that urkes me a bit and makes me uncomfortable, as I'm not sure what to say to the people that were especially affected by it. Later, with our ample amount of free time, I played a grueling game of ultimate frisbee, coming to the conclusion that I suck at sports. It was fun and exciting though, and we won too. Services were very sad, almost seeming to push it in our faces more, with special prayers and such regarding death and mourning. But after that, I watched freaks and geeks with some people, and there was also a great dance party with about 30 people in one room, but we got busted for being too loud. I stayed in the room with a few others and played catchphrase, then we left to watch the first half of The Big Lebowski, ending it early as everyone was very tired. And now im typing this with my aching knee, sustained from collisions during ultiamte frisbee.

But if things are going this direction right now, things are looking way up. WAY UP. Aside from the massive amounts of homework, everything is going great socially, save a few things like my relationships with certain people and so on. People are actually showing that they think of me as a friend, which I hadn't seen before. Maybe my prayers have been answered. It kind of hurts to continue typing, so I will cease as of now.

Refunds and Returns

I apologize for missing two days worth of entries, but I'll fill everyone in as to what's going on. Tuesday and Wednesday were typical annoying, long days of school, but the social situation has improved dramatically for some reason. I don't know what happened, maybe someone who read this blog told this person that about my misfortunes and it led to people being kinder to me here, but that's probably my paranoia setting in. If it isn't and its real, thank you. I haven't completely made a new person out of myself, but its definitely improved from anything at school. I can really see this experience filling out pretty nicely. I'm doing a good job of not judging people like I have done in the past, and am able to see sincerity more clearly. But I still can't read people's minds, so I'll just have to let that sit and be put aside and live free of fear. I've said this before, but I'm in a very transitional period in my life, and I pat myself on the back for documenting it like this, so I can look back at laugh at myself. Remember when humans weren't enslaved by the superior race of robots? Remember the time before Obama called for an Islamic Jihad on America? Good times. Anyway, things are definitely looking up for me, but this emotional pattern I've been following can turn any which way at any time. I've gotten closer with more people which is ultimately one of my goals. But to balance this with school is a real hassle, as school is extremely demanding. But if I can handle all this, I think it will really prepare me well for the responsibilities I will hold in the future.

But honestly, almost all the people are very approachable and kind, and are genuinely good people. How fortunate am I? Very, thats how fortunate. Also, the selection of girls aren't too bad either.

Today, the last day of classes in the week, we had this gross ass pizza with corn on it and it honestly made me sick while on the bus to this large mall in Jerusalem, where me and a friend ventured into the mall, looking for milshakes and chick hunting. Very uplifting to the very spirit that was aching earlier in the week. Well, tomorrow is another day with new possibilities, for better or for worse. Time seems to be on my side so far.

Its been one week....

I really don't know what to write about. Classes were the same as the past two sets of them, skipped lunch, and basically hung around with two people. I forgot to mention yesterday that I had this one-on-one conversation with my Jewish History teacher (which she sets up for everyone) that kind of put me in an awkward position, not really knowing what I was talking about when discussing the Arab-Israeli conflict, and I could clearly tell that she knew A LOT about the subject (as she teaches it) and I felt a bit embarrassed. I've noticed recently that my ears get really hot when Im embarrassed. Weird. I've also noticed that I get disproportionately jealous at other people for really trivial things like talking to certain people or saying hi from across a room. Or simply not being me. And I think for so long I've tried to be someone that I can't be, and have felt beat down because I just can't be that certain kind of person that I want to be. I have to accept the flow of life and to not fret over things out of my control, except that a lot of problems deal with decisions that I need to make. This is clearly much easier said than done, but alas I have to really devote myself wholly to this brave new task of mine. It has been one for quite awhile, wether I realized it or not, and a major reason I went on this program is to accomplish that task, or at least get a jumpstart. And the reason I've been so dissapointed lately is because that goal is not unfolding as I thought it would. But I need to accept that things are never as they are expected and that I need to work on things, feel impassioned about doing things, and grabbing life by the tusks, smacking it the face, and making it my bitch. I've been so devoted to the theory of existentialism lately that I've completely missed the whole point of creating meaning in one's life. Sure, I may believe in the deepest recesses of my mind that there are no such things as morals or right and wrong, but what I can do is make morals, and make them revelant. As the conductor of my life, I can choose which track to take, be it for better or for worse, and I just need to revel in the fact that I have some sort of free will(though in reality I'm very unsure about this topic) and that I can be where I am, regardless of anything else. And I need to let go of my fear of judgement, because thats what keeps people from knowing me and keeps me from knowing other people.

But on a lighter note, have you ever noticed that no matter how pleasant a certain food smells, if you smell it on someone's breath it becomes absolutely repulsive? And another weird thing is that I get so angry when people cough. I just cant stand it. Its so annoying and repulsive and obnoxious. Grrrr. So this kid in my room just bought an avocado and is pretty much eating it right from the fruit, without a spoon or anything. And damn, girl, why does it have to be so cold here? And why does all the food taste the same? And why am I always alone? And why? THE why? A why? Two why? You why? I why? We why? Why why?

I think I've completley misunderstood everything I've learned in the past 16 years.

Six - Groundhog's Day Eve

Renenber that Bill Murray movie, "Groundhog's Day"? Where he had to live one day of his life over and over again? Well this idea is brought up by philosophers like Nietzsche under the guise of "eternal recurrence". The idea is that to measure the success of your life you ask yourself if it would be favorable to live your whole life over and over again exactly the same. That's pretty much the gist of it. Anyway, I'm not going to bother any of you concerned readers (I really appreciate everyone's reply, btw) with my ills because that would just be beating a dead horse, and thats animal cruelty. And I don't condone that on my blog. Anyway, the reason why I brought up eternal recurrence is that I can't really say that I would want to do that over and over again. Its more a question of "Have you enjoyed your life thus far?". And by enjoyed I mean it in a very broad sense, more like "did you get what you wanted in life?". I have had those "Aha!" moments, but not enough to offset everything else.

I think I'm going to shut up and get back to talking about Israel because thats what I meant this blog to be about, not my life story. Sticking to the point, today was our second full day of classes, and it was pretty brutal once again. I can handle it on face value, but over time it might just hinder my progress even more. Classes are pretty tough, especially if you dont really know anyone in your classes, and US history i just really frustrating because the teacher is really intimidating (like my APUS teacher back home) and because I didn't read the chapter, but I guess thats my fault. Meals suck too, especially becuase my wisdom teeth are coming in and fucking with my gums making it painful to eat anything. Some girl is in the hospital from our group, i think for a dislocated shoulder, but i really wish her the best. This is going to sound extremely selfish, but I USED TO want to break one my limbs or something medical in order for people to befriend me out of pity, because I've seen it happen before. But thats a pathetic way to get people to like you so I dont think like that anymore. But I used to. I do wish her good health though. But I just dont know what to do with myself, and yes, I know Im breaking the promise that I stated before. But its just so pervasive of a thought. What I need is some quality Thoreau or Emerson, some real works of art on the joys of being alive and of embracing nature and of indepedence. But what I want is companionship, not only self reliance. Happiness is only real when shared. Chris McCandless said that. Into the Wild guy. And I sincerely believe that quote. And I want to sincerely thanks everyone that replied to me personally about my posts and thanks so much for your concern. I really appreciate it and it really truly does help. Really. And i guess right now, staying in my room during free time after dinner isnt really helping my cause, but I would have nowhere to go. I don't knwo anyone well enough to join their group. And it feels like I missed the initial moment of opportunity to make an impression on people. And I've also been told I think too much about stuff. And I've never really understood it, and I'm sure thinking about it more to write in my blog isn't helping very much either. And even when I do make better friends and such, I'll never be anyone's best friend here because if I were to be one the time had already passed to do that. And I've made an awkward fool out of myself several times in front of a girl i like (teehee), and she likes a kid at home, so thats out of the question unless I redeem myself somehow and she forgets about that kid.

You know what. I think I might just decide to be gay. Because then things would be so much easier to explain to people about why I'm so reserved and everything. I mean no offense at all to gay people, but I'm only saying that me being gay would solve all of these problems, or at least explain them. Closet gays have a lot of identity and isolation issues, so I identify with that at least. Except Im not really into guys that way. So I guess I could just be a social gay. I really hope my parents dont read this.

Im really sorry Im writing about all this sad sack stuff going on, but I just need the right materials and confidence and motivation to fix this "problem". And then it'll be a lot less philosophical and deep and more light and funnier and wittier. I promise yous guys.