Fin

So its been a few days since EIE ended. And I've never felt this way before, this aching, longing, tired feeling. All around unpleasant.
But the last few days of EIE were some of the best. Ample amounts of free time allowed me to hang out with The Four and others, taking in and savoring the final moments I have with these magnificent people. Wednesday we went to Holon, and then Tel Aviv, where we first went to a museum where its pitch balck and you feel what its liek to be blind. It was extremely cool and insightful, but basically just made me scared into not trying to go blind. I'll think twice about staring into the sun or pouring acid into my eyes now. Tel Aviv was really fun, i jsut hung out with some guy friends and jsut followed them while they shopped; i had very little money, which i was saving for food. Anyway, back at home base (AKA the kibbutz) a lot of the guys were playing with their toy guns they bought when we went to the druze place, people were beginning to get moody, and the overall atmosphere was a very retrospective and nostalgic one. I forgot what we did Thursday and Friday, but it can't be too significant. Or it could be. Shit. OH I remember. It was the Jewish holiday of Shavuot, which is a harvest festival and the traditional date when the Torah was recieved. The night before we stayed up late studying Jewish text, because that is also a tradition during this holiday. I got to see the shirts with my face on them that day too, and it actually turned out to be a great shirt. The enxt mornign we woke up at 4AM so we could make pilgrimage to the Western Wall (Kotel), as this holiday is one of the three that in the distant past people used to bring their haervests to the temple. It was crowded, but a great experience nonetheless, and I managed to legit pray for a bt, the first time ive done so at the wall. It was a very unique and worthwhile experience. Well shabbat was very sentimental and sad, as it was the last one, and basically I used a lot of this free time to give people music and movies. So saturday night we had havdallah, which was really sad, but also awesome because we went to the "Tel", or old ruins, on top of the kibbutz and watched the sun set. I sat next to one of The Four and later Z, and theres a nice 20 min video of it on fbook that makes me really sad. But its good that it was recorded. So were a lot of videos that are popping up everywhere on the big FB. So sunday, the final day, came along. We took a tour of the military cemetary in Israel, where several soldiers are buried along with some prominent polticians. It was a really meanignful and respectful place, and Im pretty sure Im going back this summer. There was also Herzl's grave, which was probably the most important one there to me, as the mountain upon which the cemetary is built is named after him. So after that we proceeded to visit the old city for the last time, ate some decent falafel, some good froyo, observed an argument about judiasm being a nationality between my friends and these american college kids, and then had a conversation with my jewish history teacher for the last time, which was really nice. Then we went to the wall for the final time, i wrote a note (in hebrew) and put it in the wall, though im not really spiritual in that sense. but tis tradition, and it fit in, so... We returned back for the final banquet that night, where I dressed up in my suit, and had many pictures taken of me with people, mainly girls. We then proceeded to eat the best meal I've had on the kibbutz (and second to last) and then went to the ceremony type thing where we thanked everyone and a lot of people spoke, etc.....AND THEN, after we got our yearbooks and stuff, we met up with out jewish hsitory teachers for the last time. It was very sad, but it had to be done. Later, we had this party type thing at the kibbutz's bar (no alcohol though) which included a talent show which included me getting up on stage, giving a thumbs up to the audience, and leaving the stage, which didnt really work, but it wasnt a terrible fiasco. Anyway, that was fun, especially the dancing which proceeded the talent show, all of which lasted late into the night and into the morning. I hung around with The Four for most of it, especially L, trying hard realizing it was my last opportunity, but at the same time I realized that I wasnt receiving any hints or cues that she liked me so I, sadly, abandoned that plan, continuing to make me a hook-up virgin, which surprisingly doesnt bother me as much as I'd thought it would. But like I said before, thats not all im after and its not even the first thing im after, But I had a very enjoyable time at the party, hanging out with my best friends in the final moments, enjoying the shit out of what I had left. Sometime after it oficially ended around 3 AM, I was left to help clean up with a few others...But after that I returned to my room, tired as fuck, and i forgot if I did anything, but I fell asleep. I woke up around 5ish to a most pleasing sight, L and one of the Four sitting at the foot of my bed. I know i will recall this memory as perhaps one of the best ones of EIE. So I think I just hung around with them and a few others outside the rooms until breakfastm in the cold of the morning of June 1st. Before breakfast and during, it was a continuous sobfest, me not excluded either. It was especially harsh when my bus group got together and had to say goodbye, as well as the even harder part of saying goodbye to the people on the second flight who were leaving later, which included 3 of the Four, including L and F and the one sitting on my bed. The bus ride and the airplane and leaving the airplane to get our connecting flight all entailed crying and saying goodbye, some for good, some until we visit each other. Many people asked me at the airport why everyone was crying, and I had to explain to them our program and how we all live in different places. The flight to Newark was sad, but bearable, singing the HaTikvah as we landed, somewhat mournfully. The flight to Milwaukee was more quiet, but a little less sad as we all live near each other. But still, it was sad. And it only got worse getting back home, especially finding out that one of my dogs that I've had since I was in first grade died while I was gone, my family waiting until I got back to tell me, which i guess was smart as they didnt want to make me sad while I was having such a good time.
But I look back at everything, and I've realized how much I've changed, and how much I've developed as a person, yet remaining fundamentally the same. Ive gained so much knowledge about me as a person and my Jewish and personal identity, and me as a social being, something I'd never thought of me being. Ive gained so much confidence, something I really lacked prior to this מסע (journey). All in all, EIE has made me a much more rich person in many ways, and has left me with everlasting friendships, and memories to be cherished forever.
אני מתגעגע את תיכון ני’ר, אהבתי את תיכון ני’ר, ואזכר את תיכון ני’ר

Making the Distance

So finals are finally over, and I'm officially done with Junior year, academically speaking. My APUSH test caused a lot of stress, but primarily the final assignment which was making our own final and writing two essays with our own prompts, because our teacher is incredibly lazy. (EDIT: I got a 97 on it! FUCK YEAH)But thats over, and I kind of got lazy with the essays myself, so I guess that might hurt my grade. But honestly, I couldn't care less right now, because I'm in Israel and I'm enjoying myself with the people around me, so school comes second. But my mom mentioned that after finals I would get a surprise, and I got it two days ago. It was a huge platter of sushi and a cake, both of which were very tasty. But I shared the sushi with that group of four girls that I was talking about that includes F and L, who I've gotten even closer with over the past days. And with L especially. But this L situation has been my main worry as academics are over. Seeing as I actually really like her and that time is running out (only 6 days as of this writing), I'm getting more anxious and worried, but Im progressing slowly. So Instead of taking you through each issue, I will take you chronologically, as that will make it easier for me to remember things.
Thursday Night:
There is something. I guess every year, called Yom HaStudent, where several concerts are held throughout Israel celebrating students. So they were really nice to us this time and let us go to the big one in Tel Aviv, and let me tell you, It was amazing (No, I didnt hook up yet), and it reminded of American music festivals I've been to that ive really enjoyed, but this time with friends instead of my sister. So I began with a group of kids from my bus group, whom Ive began to get a little sick of, but there are a bunch that I still enjoy very much. These kids included the kid i went to my sisters place with that weekend and this girl that has been a constant friend since the beginning, and lives near me and is overall a really great person. Anyway, I started out with them, saw some weird fusion band called "coolooloosh" and then wandered to get some pizza and check out the other music and then waited in line at an atm with a friend forever, but eventually I got a call from L, because we were going top meet up with that band backstage as the prgoram had set up. So i pushed my way through the bustling Israeli young adult mobs to the place where it was, and sat down next to L. Anyway I wound up with her and her three other friends, whom I will now refer to as The Four, because they have been a significant force in my experience, especially as of late. Now, hanging out with The Four is really fun, they all like me, and I like them (some in different ways, obviously). So I walked with them for a while splitting up from the first group politely, and walked with them for a while, dont really remember what we did except for buying some waffles. I then proceeded to join the original group because they left to go to an atm and I didnt want to wait again, so i rejoined said original group. I had fun with them, going to a giant inflatable condom, getting a free condom, getting free shots of coke zero, and getting kicked out of line to play wii tennis. THEN, I proceeded to rejoin The Four again, seeing them sitting on the grass. So i sat with them, just me and them, and then talked about relationships and so forth and asked me who i was crushing on. Now, obviously, if I told them the truth now, or even a month ago, it would have been very very awkward, but I told them about Z, but that I didnt really like her anymore like that (even though if the opportunity arose and the circumstances were appropriate I wouldn't say no). So they asked me my dream girl and I jokingly described a pregnant teen living in the projects. Anyway, F wanted to walk around so I went with her, and she asked me who I was really crushing on and I told her that it was L. She then told me she thought so and told me she thought L also had feelings for me. It was these words that keep me up at night. i stupidly did not ask for more details or how she knew, etc. but I have to have at least one conversation about me an L with one of The Four (excluding L). I told one of the other two that I didnt crush on that I had something to ask her, but I have yet to bring up the topic, as I havent been with her privately yet. but I will. And if I do anything, whenever it is, whether it be the last night or tonight, I will have successfully accomplished all my immediate goals on this program. I dont mean it as she's just a tool in my own self-interest, but that that event would satisfy those goals. Anyway, F bought me a shirt for fifty shekels (which is about $13 dollars) that showed the hebrew letter "zayin" inside the hebrew letter "aiyin", meaning "zayin b'aiyin", which translates into "a dick in your eye". A whole slew of people bought those shirts, so we all wore them the next day. I was really surprised that she bought me that shirt, but extremely grateful. Anyway, the day came to a close, and all was well, and the next day we would be heading for Northern Israel for a five day trip.
Friday:
Well, we left at about 11 AM for the two and a half hour bus ride to the north, and lo and behold i came out with my stuff just as The Four came out with theirs. Anyway, I believe a big stumbling block for me is the fact that I am not in their bus group, an therefore do not get to see them as often as I would if I were in their bus group, which at times I prefer over mine. The ride was quite boring, except for the always fantastic scenery that Israel possesses. For nighttime services, I sat next to L, and I beleive so for dinner, then for most of the night I think i hung out with her, or at least some of the time until 1 AM curfew. I think I know what the problem is, but I have no idea how to implement a solution. It's the fact that either I'm too forward, not forward enough, or she is just not interested, or she doesnt show her interest. SO it could be any combination of those four options. We had a nice moment where, with other people, we laid down on a blanket and stared at the sky and just enjoyed each other's company. It was a good night, and after in my room me and my roommates had a lot of fun telling each other jokes and just laughing, as was the case earlier in the day, jsut hanging out.
Saturday:
We had morning services, and than for lunch, I beleive I might have sat with L or someone from The Four. Then, we went rafting in a river in the North, which was very, very fun, and where a new character is introduced, R. I went with her, whom I think likes me, and The Four. I sat next to R, and unfortunately did not really get to talk to any of The Four or impress them too much. But after the ride was over, which involved splash fights with other boats and countless bumbing into the sides, I talked to L a little and the rest of The Four then finally returned. After that, I really forgot what I did, but towards the end of the day I was with L again (maybe continuing from after lunch) and F and another or the rest of The Four, and watched these two guys wrestling, and it was really funny because they are both a little strange (aren't we all) and the way they were doing it nontraditionally and so on. Anyway, an exciting moment happened during havdalah (the ending of shabbat) where our group often initiates a kissing circle where you recieve and pass a kiss on the cheek. I was sitting next to L (wow, in retrospect I've spent A LOT of time with her) and it came from the other end, but she was laying down and refused to recieve it from the boy next to her on the other side (who I went with that weekend to hsi aunt's house, who can be a little obnoxious and annoying at times, but I still really like him) BUT, when it came from the other direction, she got up to recieve it from me. It was quick, and was part of a game, but I felt really priveledged after that. But if she refused to get it from the kid on her other side to avoid kissing me, than thats a whole other dillema. But I hope thats not the case, and that she simply didnt want to be kissed by my friend. After that, the whole group went to watch a movie, in the cold where i was only wearing sandals, a t shirt, and shorts, and was freezing, but I sat, once again, next to L, and another girl from the The Four. This other girl has been really affectionate with me throughout the trip (she has/had a boyfriend) and is a great friend, and comes up later in the trip and plays a significant part. You'll see. Or read. Actually, both. We then proceeded, her, L, me and my friend from havdalah to order pizza. While we waited, I socialized with a lot of people who, most kindly and fortunately, were very favorable to my presence and were also affectionate. But whenever this happens in front of L, and it has in the past days where people are affectionate (meaning holding hands, hugging, etc.) I fear that she thinks that I dont like her, when in fact I currently like her over every other girl. But the countless hours I've spent with her and have yet to spend will hopefully send the right message and hopefully it will be favorably recieved and responded to in kind and more.
Sunday:
We began the day by getting ready to go further north the golan heights near syria and lebanon, where we visited a real army post on the border with lebanon, which was really surreal and cool, and where active surveillance is going on. Also, we went to a crusader castle that was very intact. We did something else, but I cant for my life remember it. We came to a new hostel, which was very nice and had an awesome view, and I had a meaningful conversation with one of The Four about her breaking up with her boyfriend on the program (this is the girl who is affectionate) and the end of the program, and, hopefully, I comforted her as she cried a little. It was really sad, but I lightened the mood by talking about the positives and how we'll keep in touch. Im sure I hung out with L and The Four more, but I cant recall specifics, ahhhhhh but the next day.
Monday:
I will remember this day for a long time. We began with a hike to a waterfall. The hike was fabulous, with The Four minus L (what are the chances?) and R. We had some nice talks (not about L or anything of that nature), but we came to the gorgeous waterfall and little pool of water (which was quite deep) that we all swam in. And as I laid back and floated on the water, and stared into the blue sky, i finally realized how happy I was at that moment, and how nothing could stop it, even the fact that I've never been with a girl, or that this trip will end, or that I'll never see some of these people again. So after this, with a wonderful group of people in our hike (other people went on different hikes) we saw some movie about the yom kippur war that I slept through, sitting next to R. After, we went to a bunker on top of a mountain, from where you could see the Syrian border very close by, and Mt. hermon in another direction, and where it was very windy. That night, we had this little program where we rotated through Israeli/Palestinian stereotypes acted out by our staff, and which was very interesting, because it seemed like each case had flaws, and that no opinion is the perfect solution to a very complex issue. Anyway, that night I talked to The Four a little bit of the time that was left, and went to bed.
Tuesday (today):
I woke up ridiculously early at 5:50 AM in order to visit our counselors home in the north, where we ate pancakes and other really good food, as our bus group went here specially. we then joined the rest of the group, before which I brielfy talked to F, to meet some rabbi who discussed the arab-israeli conflict a bit as we prepared to meet israeli arabs at their school and have a dilaogue. This meeting was very awkward, but interesting nonetheless. Afterwards, we went and visisted a druze restaurant (a druze is a type of arab that is an old offshoot of islam, and is a secret religion) where a secular druze explained it to us and where we had really good druish food. One girl, a friend, who looks like my sister, picked out my afro really big, so my hair was perhaps the biggest its ever been, and looked really funny, but apparently everyone liked it, so i guess ill keep doing it for the next five days. But then after that, I had dinner with three of The Four, and they had some emotional bonding time with their bus group, while i just hung out in my room and wrote this blog entry. SO theres my weekend. eventful, L-full, and hopefully will lead somewhere concrete, I hate to have to say this, but my goal isnt to hook up with a girl for the sake of hooking up. It is to really have a connection to another person that ive never had before with anyone yet, and to express it.

A Day in the Life

So here I am again, much sooner than last time, which I sincerely apologize for, being late and all. But its cold in my room right now, the air conditioning blasting away, my music quietly humming in the background along with the Muslim call for prayer. But things with L are going well (hey, that rhymes!), and due to some very truthful advice given to me by a fellow reader, I will try, no, I will do things that would further advance what we have. And I'm pretty sure she likes me, but I don't exactly know to what extent. But I shouldn't make excuses. She's cute, funny, exciting, and overall a really great person. The other day we watched my favorite movie with her (Walk Hard), and we were by ourselves for a while, but soon enough her roommate, who Imm very good friends with walks in, so that was, I guess, some sort of cockblock, but Im not really sure if I would do anything. But now I'm more determined, given short time frame up ahead, only two weeks. Shit. But that's my main focus, along with APUS, which has consumed my life, but only internally, I dont really study or work on it that often. But a funny thing happened the other day as well with Z, if you remember her at all. Apparently, she had a dream where we were married, and then i (in real life) proceeded to marry her, making her my 4th wife. If this happened two/three months ago, I would have shit my pants. So maybe something will happen eventually, and I would still be very happy. I have already been hanging out and talking with her more than ever before, so thats a good sign for friendships in general too.
So last weekend I went with a friend to his Aunt and Uncle's house on a kibbutz in the north, near Nazareth. On the way there, we were stopped in traffic for 3o minutes because there was an unattended bag at a bus stop, so the police sent a robot to investigate and checked the bag, but it was, thankfully, a false alarm. The whole weekend was fun, we picked pamelos (some weird citrus fruit), tangerines, and avocados, watched Israeli TV, went to the mountain where something happened to Jesus and where there is now a church, heard christians? sing jewish/hebrew songs, then praying inside the church, and watched my friends uncle make fun of and pick on my friend. It was really funny, and I know he doesn't really mean it, I hope. The Aunt was really nice, and she was from a town really close to me back home. But everything back here is great, and that night I came back I went to my Jewish History teacher's apartment for dinner, and it was really nice, had some good food, and played a really terrible version of homemade catchphrase. But on the way back, one of the girls in the van fainted, and it was quite the fright, but this is not uncommon for her as she has some health issues, but she woke up and we took her to the hospital. But everything is ok, I've heard.
I've been making cd's for people, but only 10, as thats how many came in the package, so I have to choose my recipients wisely, or else I may offend certain people. But this is what I always do for people when I say goodbye or say "I like you", etc. Its my thing, though countless others do the same, but I dont know that. OK, i got a shitton of APUS to do, so I'll be writing later rather than sooner, due to finals and shit. But expect something thursday night.

The Final Stretch

So only three weeks left. I honestly can't imagine life not on EIE anymore, its too distant, too scary a thought. I don't have nearly as much a social life at home than I do here; at home I'm basically that smart kid, but here people actually like me for who I am, and I know that sound cliche and cheesy, but its true. I feel accepted here (most of the time), which is completely different at home where I feel like a nobody, where I am a nobody. But I have to face the facts, and make thee next three weeks last as long as possible, make the most out of each day, each hour, each second. As time lessens, things become more urgent, more sad, more fun. But life goes on, and it goes on well. Luckily, I've managed a study plan for my AP's so everything is organized and I am virtually stress-less. Except for coming home. I don't know how I'm going to deal. I'm going to talk to these people often, I hope, but even if I do vidchat, its not the same. And I wont be able to wait until reunions or until someone comes here or me there. Luckily, there are several people that live near me, so that will keep me occupied, hopefully. But I have to face the fact that all things must pass, and that every dog has its day, and my day is in its final hours, perhaps.
But otherwise, things are very well, but I have this nagging feeling that something really amazing has yet to happen, but that may just be this whole journey altogether. Its more that I want something singular and amazing to happen, rather than actually excpecting it to happen. Things with school suck balls, I'm loaded with homework and AP studying, and finals and final projects, in addition to having to hang out with people, which I've deemed a priority, above some of my studies. It's bogging me down, but I'm determined to not let it affect me too much, not let it over stress me (because some stress is necessary to have motivation), and not let it define me. The teachers here, I've concluded with the input of others, are terrible teachers, but perfectly fine people, or at least some of them are. It's funny sometimes, but the rest of the time its just a nusance.
But things are good, once again. The girl I talked about last time and I have been hanging out more (at least over last weekend in Tel Aviv). Our group went to Tel Aviv for the weekend, and for friday night we went to the local reform synagogue, which happened to be originally funded, as well as the hostel we were staying at (which was very nice), by a family with the same last name as me, but I'm not sure if I was related to them. It gave me good material to tell people that they were my Aunt and Uncle, though. So friday night I dressed in my suit again, and of course people were very responsive to it, and there are some pictures from it on fbook, if you so care to look. But I have a shitton of stuff to do, so this post wont be as long, and it also explains my two week absence on theis blog, which I sincerely apologize. But in Tel Aviv I hung out with the girl I talked about last time, a friend of F's, who I will call L. We talked a lot and walked to the beach together (from the hostel to the beach is about a 20 minute walk) that night, and the following day we went to the beach again and hung out there with her and that group of four girls that include F and L. One of the other girls likes me a lot, but has a boyfriend. She told me to tell him to be more like me. Really. That's another huge boost of confidence right there, but since we hold hands often and she hugs me, I get nervous about her boyfriend seeing. And personally, I dont think he's the nicest person and can't see why she's dating him. But I'm sure there's something between them that I don't detect. But I really like L and there's this ease of talking between us, as opposed to F. I was friends with her before recently, but I believe it started when she sat next to me or I sat next to her (I forget) at an outdoor dinner for one of the bug Israeli holidays. And from there we've hung out and talked more. We also had this huge bonfire for this holiday called Lag B'Omer, which celebrates the day none of Rabbi Akiva's students died during some plague. Some holiday. But Israel is very festive about it and everyone goes to bonfires and eats food together, etc. We had one on the kibbutz last night and it was very fun, but the fire almost burned my face off it was so hot. Anyway, I conversed with this other girl, and before during the day and in recent weeks more and more (not really in any romantic way) and she became one of my wives. The other two I talk to, but not as much as her. I don't want to say I like her the best because I like all my wives equally ( I actually do) but sometimes they want me to say it. It's not a big deal, but I just say that I like everyone equally. Which isn't completely true, but I don't want people to hear that I like some over others. At the bonfire though, me and L hid in the bushes in order to scare some people because it was dark at the entrance to the field where the bonfire was. We did manage to scare some people, and it was very funny and entertaining, and we mostly stuck around each other for the 30 minutes we were there. That might not be correct, but I forget how long I was there for. But the time I was there with L was after I had already gone and left the bonfire because it got boring, but as I was walking out I saw L and her friends coming, so I joined. Yeah, I did make a compromise.
But things are good. My roommates have been fighting over some stupid things, and sometimes its very funny because they are faked but seem real because two of the people actually hate each other. So there's that. People also have been burning stuff lately, and its stinkign up the rooms, which sucks. OH. last week I beleive my roommate decided it woudl be funny to shit in a bag and out it in someone's room. We had this whole speech about it by our principal with everyone on the program, but they way he described the scenario was very funny and a bit awkward. Some peopel laughed and it offended him, and then proceeded to comment that American youth culture has morally declined, according to all the movies he watches. Because you know, when you watch movies, you automatically become an expert on its audience. Anywhosits, school is winding down, but the terrible thing is that the time when you have to hang out with the people the most often, you need to study for AP's and finals. Damn coincidence.
Well, I must go, seeing as I have a million things to do. I dont knwo when Ill write back, but Im hoping at least twice before this trip is over. Will I continue this blog after? Probably not, seeing as my life will be much more uneventful and the title of this blog wont apply. But it will always be here to reminice.

Algebraic!

Sorry I havent written in about a week and a half. Ive just been busy and forgetful. But I owe it to you guys, the dear readers, to provide you with ample reading material, so here it goes. The past weeks have been treating me very well, though there have been rough spots here and there. Overall, Im making better friends with people I normally didnt talk to, mostly girls, but thats probably because there are many more girls than guys on this program. I really get a kick out of it, as at home I dont get nearly as much attention as I do here. I mean, Im not the most popular person on my program, but whatever I have here is a HUGE improvement over what I have at home. This program has been one huge boost of my self confidence and whatnot, and Im probably the happiest Ive been for a long, long while. Talking to people, having a growing "family", being called a manwhore (jokingly, guys), have all made me realize most of my social goals on this program, but I still have yet to fulfill all of them, namely relating to girl stuff and having a few very close friends that I can divulge certain pieces of information to. The problematic thing with this all is that I wouldn't mind "being" (best euphemism I could think of) with one of them, but I very much doubt, unfortunately, that they feel the same way. But I'll live, because regardless if anything happens in this final month of mine on the program, I;ve concluded that since it probably wont happen for an unknown quantity of time, I've tried to lower it on the list of my priorities in life right now. Thats been shown recently to be hard, since Ive been thinking about it a lot, as a young boy my age ought to, and it and the upcoming AP tests are the only things bothering me right now, as well as the imminent return home.
Well there's basically that that is bothering me, and I feel pitiful feeling like this because I want people to feel bad for me so that they can help me, I guess. But I dont tell anyone except this blog about it so Im preventing myself from getting help, in addition to the fact that Im nervous to tell my closer friends about it. Ive been getting down also when bogged down with homework and school pressure, but I tell myself that it is only temporary and minor, so that helps relieve the stress and anxiety.
But things are good, not as bad as Im making them out to be. Like I said before, Ive made a plethora of better friends, almost to the point that I feel comfortable with almost every group of people standing around. (Maybe not completley comfortable, but hypothetically I would)
OH Big drama that I almost forgot about.
28 kids (though more have yet to confess) were caught drinking and possessing alcohol. Yowzer! So their punishment, after recieving some harsh words from the big wigs, is house arrest for a certain allotment of time determined by the level of offense, like consuming a lot or a little, or actually buying, which is the worst. If youre asking me where I was, I was, with a friend, at my ssiter's apartment in the south, for the third and final time. We didnt really do much, but my sister's friends founf three adorable puppies on the side of the road, which we kept for a few hours and took care of. One of my sister's friends' cousin took one of them home to Jerusalem, who also happened to know some of our staff, and the other two we had to put back because they couldnt take care of them. Me and my friend watched Green Street Hooligans on the way there and Knocked Up on the way back, all on this expensive as fuck taxi ride.
Later, however, was Yom HaZikaron, Israel's memorial day, except instead of Picnics, people cry and mourn the lost soldiers and terror victims. The night starting the holiday (because Jewish holidays start at sundown) our group went to the official openoing ceremony at the Western Wall, and the President Shimon Peres spoke as did the chief of staff of the army. It was in hebrew, but the few words I did pick up were pretty well put together and meaningful.
That holiday was pretty sad and dreary, but the next day was Yom Ha'atzma'ut, independence day. It started out at a little dancing thing at the kibbutz with the local residents, which was quite fun, as was the dancing in Jerusalem proper, as we went out that night to celebrate in public. I hung out with this group of four girls that always hang out with each other, which includes F. But this time I was talking to her friend a lot more than to her, bonding over Kings of Leon and such. She's cool. The following day we went to another kibbutz for a yom sport type thing, though I wound up not playing any sports, which was slightly dissapointing, as I wanted to play frisbee, but alas. We played against another program of American teens similar to ours, except they had already been going to school together, and were all form LA. I would never want to do something like that. Ech. Ich bin ein berliner. Anyway, that day was fun. What I heard from people is that out of all the 118 people on this program, me and one or two others were the ones that everyone likes. Talk about self-empowerment! I certainly hope its true, because one of the things I hate the msot is when people don't like me, and I feel like I did something wrong and that I have to appease everyone. And yeah, I know thats no way to live, but Im learning to live the way I want while still retaining relationships. Ive learned a hell of a lot on the program too. Probably the best decision Ive ever made, honestly.
I want to try something. To check how many people read this, I want anyone and everyone who reads this to contact me via facebook or whatever, because I want to know how large the demand is for these entries. Cool.

Whoop, there it is.

So. I'll continue by telling the story of my return to Israel until the present time, being Friday afternoon. So upon my return to Israel, I cut my finger while trying to get my bag from the baggage claim and couldn't pull it out by myself, and if you are an astute reader, you will recall that this same thing happened to me (minus the cut) when I first arrived in Israel. Anyway, I tried calling home, but nobody answered, and also my sister, who I found out lost her phone, and who still is phoneless, so i've been unable to communicate with her since before Poland. Whoa. I just used a heck of a lot of commas in that last sentence. But this isn't a grammar contest. Or is it. I did give this link to my English teacher at home, so he might judge me based on my ability to write, but I doubt it. And its not like I'll have him as a teacher again, sadly. Anyway, so we stayed at this youth hostel in Jerusalem for two nights in between Poland and Pesach, and it was fun. We went out to Ben Yehuda Street and once again I drifted, for the most part, between groups, and was relatively very social and content there, except one time I got stuck hanging out with people I didnt necessarily like. OH. And at this gelateria (where they make gelato and other such sweets) I ordered with a bunch of people, and I ordered a waffle with strawberry ice cream, but this other girl ordered a strawberry milkshake. They brought the milkshake first, and she left for a while, and I, very stupidly, drank it thinking it was mine that the waffle came with a milkshake instead of ice cream for some reason, perhaps by making a mistake or something. I felt terrible after that, and I offered to pay her pack or buy more for her or etc, but they didnt accept, and now I feel awkward around her because of what I did. Ugh. Anyway, the days at the hostel were fine, and I was introduced to this game called "soggy weiners" where other people ask you questions and you have to reply with "soggy weiners" without laughing. Apparently, Im very good at recieving and asking questions. My trick is to think of something super serious like the Holocaust or something like that. But sometimes it fails and I laugh. But regarding this and other things I say, people have begun to tell me to my face that I'm a funny person, which makes me feel very good, to the point where some say I'm one of the funniest people they've ever met. Seriously. This is one of things, along with recieving more attention, that has upped my mood considerably from other low points in the program, mostly in the first birthing pains in the first few weeks. I hypothesize that it might be because out of "school", I can relax and be myself, which people luckily appreciate, but during school I'm less so. But my program isnt really really school at all, mostly a facade of it, so I can be more of myself here in general, also giving reason to keep the new and strengthened friendships I have made over Poland and my future hiking. Maybe. But after the hostel stay, we went off to our own pesach host homes, mine being in the north, and also went along with this other kid from the program that I wasnt best friends with, but I knew him. He isnt the most pleasant of people, but hes a well meaning kid. The family was American, luckily, and were nice people, nothing special, the daughter who was in her twenties was very kind and took us out for coffee one night. The seder was rushed and anticlimactic, and I realized how much I prefer my seders at home. the food also sucked, but thats probably because Im a vegetarian and couldnt eat the meat. Anyway, being a vegetarian has been hard lately, given that there arent a lot of non-meat options to choose from, often leaving me very hungry, but I can always buy food. But after the holiday, our group went on a five day hiking expedition in the north (where my host family was too), starting out as a water hike in this river, where I tripped and fell into the water, soaking my clothes. I loved my guide, Selah, as well as the medic, Neder. The next few days were spent hiking up mountains and down valleys towards the Medditerannean from the Galilee, giving the hiking trip the name "sea to sea". I've recently fallen in love with nature, so hiking in this area with astounding views was a welcome experience, having a lot of fun on the trip, cooking meals and doing etc, that you would do on a campign trip, except they already pitched the tents for us, and sometime we drove from place to place, which took the authenticity out of the trip, but it was still enjoyable. I also solidified some friendships on this trip, especially with this one kid from New Mexico who is very funny, creating several inside jokes along the way. The hiking was fabulous, obviously, with some specacular views, and I never got as tired as I thought I would, signifying that Im in much better shape than before, but still not "in shape". Further confidence boosters appeared on this trip, usually people complementing my humour, which Im more than satisfied with. BUT, on the day we went biking, which I absolutely loved, especially going fast with the scenery, except for the few nasty spills I took, scraping my left hand, and badly scraping and bruising my right knee. As of now, I still have bandages on, and they both still hurt. Damn gravity. I vowed to continue biking until the end, even with my painful injuries, eventually getting them cleaned when we reached the Mediterannean sea, where I enjoyed several hours of very nice relaxation, even in the newly appreciated heat. I talked to F here, and I forgot to mention she approached me during the camping trip just to say hi and sat next to me, after several days not noticing me even when I said hi. Whatever. She felt bad about my injuries and stuff like that, and our conversation was terrible. I was in monotone all the time, and it was boring and plain subject matter. I suck at this. Oh, I forgot to mention I found out that Z hooked up with someone on the program, and surprisingly, I wasnt mad or jealous or anything. Thats a good things, for everyone. Except for the fact that the guy hooked up with another girl the next day, which angered Z (or so I heard). Poor Z. I like the kid, but theres something about him, maybe is voice, which I know is superficial, but thats the one thing I have to be judgemntal on. I dont know why, a person's voice has always been the first thing I notice about someone. But I believe you can tell a lot about someone by the way they speak, like their general personality. Anyway, we spent a day or two in Haifa at a shitty hostel that took ages to climb up the endless stairs, especially with all my luggage. We saw the Bahai gardens which were cool, but a bit of a let down of the pictures I've seen. At this hostel is when my ipod charger broke. But wait, it gets worse. Because its such an old ipod, the newer chargers wont work with it, and thats the kind everyone has. At least I had it for Poland. Getting back "home" was a great relief. We got our new room assignment, which were OK, but I'd much prefer being the fourth member in another room. Such is life. We had one day of school, and in Jewish History class we had this heart to heart convo about our experiences thus far in this cave a minute or two walk from the classroom. It was nice, but I realized something about myself and my experience too. ANd this blog has defiitely helped, as well as people's support and such in order to make this experience meaningful. For one, it has made my Jewish identity much stronger, and though my beliefs remain the same, I feel it necessary to be more observant (just a bit). It also puts my idenity into perspective, and Ive realized that this is a central part of my life, and I cant deny that, but embrace it. I didnt know this before, Judaism was always just this thing I belong to. But its more than that now. A large part of this is also the State of ISrael. I wont get too political because I hate political arguments, and I dont want to push any opinions on the readers. I realized how important this country is, and how its creation was enourmously monumental, and its existence related to the Jewish faith. I also have learned to be content and happy, or at least partly. The society my program forms is something I strive for, something I could only dream of belonging to before. My only problem is my condition when I return to the States. I have close friends there, and many of my closer friends from the program are from my area, but there are still the rest who live from coast to coast. And going back to school will we be odd, my fears pertaining to social acceptance and academics. But I am looking forward to seeing my friends at home (some who are readers) and eating real food and playing my own guitar. But already its a little halfway through the program and Ive made so much progress. Yes, maybe not as much as I'd idealized, but still a lot. And my worries are simply limited to AP tests. And Im beginning to lose that stress (not in a way that would prevent me from doing well, I hope) anyway.
Well, theres not much else to write about, miraculously, so I guess I say farwell until the next time I write. ANd feel free to ask me anything(really), I really like it when there are physical signs that people read my blog (at least fbook messages). But even if nobody read it, like I had orginially planned, it woudl still be a personal archive of info I could sentimentally look back on.

We's Gots A Lotta Catching Up To Do

Wow. Wow. Wow. So much has happened over the past week or so. No, I Haven't hooked up with anyone yet or found the cure for cancer, but a lot has still happened. I have a journal with blog reminders so that I wouldn't forget anything that happened, as lot of important, funny, sad, inspirational things have occured. But first, I'm writing this from my host family's computer on the first day of Pesach (Passover), under a little pressure as my roommate who is also on the porgram with me, I beleive, wants to go on the computer too. But I'll continue to write what will probably be my longest post as of yet. So prepare to read, rub your eyes, drink your coffee, and strap your seatlbelts, because you're in for one hell of a ride.
I'll start from where I left off, packing for Poland.
March 31st, 2009
In the wee hours of the morning, me and my roommates were spending our finals moments as roommates staying up late (despite the fact that we had to wake at 2 AM) and watching MTV and reality shows about famous rapper's families. It was very fun, all of us having a laugh or two. We planned to have an all-nighter, but we simply got too tired to carry on any longer, so we were forced by our physical limitations to sleep. Oh darnit. Anyway, we also had to run back and forth to get stuff we forgot, as we place all of our stuff we dont need in locked classrooms. So I bonded further with my roommates then as well, wandering the kibbutz after 9PM curfew. But the sleepy bus ride to Ben Gurion airport fared well, and we checked in a long ass line for Katowice (the airport in Poland) with all of our luggage. We got through security and stuff, and as we walked in, Lubavitch Chabad people stole my friend at 4AM and forced him to put on tfillin, while me and another friend who was with him watched in silence, as he yelled at us for ditiching him and not doing it too. I felt a little bad, but I knew he would have done the same, and hy should we all suffer the same fate if we dont have to. I have to admit though, I was a bit compelled to wear tfillin, seeing as I have yet to do so in Israel, or wear a tallit for that matter. But this summer will answer those questions., when I return to ISrael once more on a more religious program. I also, at the airport, played cards with this one girl whom I think might like me, or is just really enthusiastic about me. She's cute, but something about her strikes me as a bit odd, but I cant exaclty determine what it is. I might be imagnining it. I probably am. Oh Well. I taught her "Casino", soemthing that I played all the time at camp, so it revived a lot of lost memories of hours playing the game on Shabbat and so on. In line for check in, everyone was laughing at each other's passport photo, noone having a good picture that looked good. I guess government pictures are supposed to be unflattering. Its a trick they use. Im sure of it. Anywhosits, guess who I was sitting in front of. F. No way. Yes way. Out of the whole plane of 250 people. Something odd strikes me aobut her as well. Some days she seems enthusiastic with me (of which I'll give examples later) and other times she seems to compeltley ignore me. I dont understand girls. I guess I'm a true guy here. Maybe its her, maybe its me, maybe its fate, maybe its... We talked very briefly throuhgout the flight, which held a lot of teenagers from ISraeli schools as well. Very obnoxious people, by the way, israeli teenagers, are. But the army usually whips them into shape and turns them into upstanding citizens. Oh. And guess what. it was Z's birthday that day. Which actually proved to be very good, as it gave me reason to be friendly with her, without the pressure of me liking her anymore. I mean, if soemthing changed in her mind, than my midn would probably change too, but as of now I'm not interested in her in that way, simply as a friend now. At the Katowice airport, we talked and formed the Veg Council, both of us being vegetarians, among other members as well. But we are the two founders and leaders. Its very nice, having this new connection now. It also followed for the whole Poland trip as often Vegetarians were segregated at different tables or even different rooms sometimes so it would be easier to serve us. So that allowed for some more bonding with her and other Vegetarians,who I've found to all be very good people, obviously with soem ethical values instilled in them if they refuse to eat animals. And it turns out that I'm the only guy vegetarian on the trip. DOes that give me leverage for the girls? I dont know, hopefully. Anyway, Z had this feathery-Native American hat chief thing that she wore, and than gave to me to wear, me being the chief of the veggire council now. I wore it through the airport exit, with a lot of Poles staring at me. But I didn't care for some reason. I usually fear judgement so much that I would refuse to wear it in public, but I think my newfound confidence and playfulness has allowed me to do that. But the feathers kept swinging into my mouth, which was bothersome at times. Oh Well. Its good that we are friends now and its not awkward between us even though she knows that I like/d her. And she said it herself that she thought for the first month or two that it was awkward between us because we had had those vidchats before the program without knowing wach other. I never thought it was awkward, but I guess it was. She also said it was awkward with this other girl that we had 3-way vidchats with, but during Poland (later than the airport) we made up and are now friends, me not really even talking to the third girl before now, but now we are closer and friendly, as I will have some stories about her later. Anyway, we drove from Katowice airport to Warsaw, about a 5 hour bus ride, making us very late to visit the Warsaw Jewish cemetary, where we learned about the Jewish community of Poland pre WWII. It was cold, but not creepy or scary at all, but serene and peaceful. After that, where I lightly nudged F as I walked by her in a move of affection, we headed to the hotel, where we dropped off our stuff and they gave us some Zlodyz (the Polish currency) to buy dinner. I hung out with four girls looking for a place to eat, eventually settling on the very Polish Pizza Hut. The food was amazing, and there were a lot of people from my program there as well, even the counselors. We had an issue with money, not having enough between what they gave us, so we had to borrow from other kids to pay for it and include the tip. While we waited outside for our groups to leave, I hung out with F and her three other girl friends and one of their boyfriends, who Ive been hanging out with more in an attempt to get closer to F, but Ive just been getting closer to her 3 girl friends rather than her. Weird shit. She wrestled the girl's boyfriend for a reason I forgot, but it was a bit strange, wondering, as her husband, if I should step in and break it up, or let them work it out. Of course it was play fighting, but still. We departed back to the hotel and in the lobby, I sat on a couch, and it so happened that many girls came to the couch as well, making one of the counselors and kids calling it the pimp chair, me being the pimp, of course. This is also where I think one of those girls started to like me, or where I first realized it. I'll call her Q, jsut in case something does happen. I dont like her liek I do/did Z and F, but she's a great girl nonetheless, and our families are from the same place in greece, which is a cool coincidence.
My roommate is pretty cool, not too cool or awesome, but a good guy, and I've been rooming with him the whole semester so far, so I was used to his habits of long showers and so forth. We have the same roommates for the whole Poland trip, so I was with him the whole time.
FUCK. That was only one day. SHIT. Imagine how much I'll write when I cover the whole WEEK. SHIT SON. Ill peresvere and continue regardless of the risk or carpal tunnel.
WEDNESDAY, April 1st. - (I'm only including the truth here, so no april fool's jokes)
In the morning when we had to move out, the elvators were jammes with everyone trying to get down at the same time. It was Chaos, but funny at the same time. The hotel breakfast was very nice and tasty, and F's friends talked to me about a scheme to wake her up involving me being next to her in bed without a shirt on and smoking a ciggarette like we slpet together or something like that. It woudl be hilarious, but I was not ready to weird her out, and when F found out about it, she got a little angry at her friends, but she said not so much at me. Maybe thats the reason why she ignores me now? We then bussed to a place/Shtetl called Tikochin, where we learned, in the bitter cold, about the Jews of the town. We had this one part where we picked Jewish/Rabbinical phrases that we like, and I picked one about Silence being importnat which made people laugh, becuase if you know me at all. I dont tend to talk as much as other people do. I then explained, as did everyone else with their respective phrases, why I chose it and why I choose to be silent often. The reasons I gave was that not everything you think is worth saying, and that you shoudl only pick to say what you deem important to communicate, and that it helps you listen and learn, so that when you do speak, it can be an educated sentence. But after the village, we visited these forests, and as soon as we headed down the dirt path, I knew where they were taking us, as they didnt tell us where we were going, and they told us to keep silence on the bus ride. It was the mass graves fo the Jews of the town, exterminated by the Nazis. It wa very sad and emotional, me even choking up a few times. There were three pits of graves, with candles lining them all along with ISraeli flags, which got to me the most, for some reason. That was that day, a very sad ending to what we learned about the vibrant town and the cool synagogue of theirs that we visisted that still stood. End of Day.
THURSDAY, APRIL 2nd
I'm getting a bit tired, but I'll continue to write, and I hope the people in this house don't think I'm weird spending so much time on the computer typing loudly and quickly. We arrived in the town of Lublin, I think, and we went to the Old Town area, where we hung out for some time for some reason, but I noticed there something aout myself. I'm a wanderer. I wander between groups of friends, not being able (or probably not wanting) to stay with one group, or just seeing more friends that I want to hang out with that I havent seen in a while. I espeically noticed my affinity for F's friends, who are really cool people. After that though, was a really important scenario. It was the visit to our first Nazi Death Camp. Called Maidonek, it killed 78,00 Jews and Poles or more, and it somewhat preserved. There was this huge memorial stone that makes no sense to interpret, but the Holocaust doesn't make much sense either. We, in silence mostly, mournfully observed the remaining barracks of the work camp, and went inside the gas chambers where thousands were killed on the spot. We also saw thousands and thousands of pairs of shoes belonging to the murdered, and what really hit people the most was the intact crematorium, where they burned the bodies of the dead. Horrible, horrible stuff. But I couldn't feel anything except maybe for one minute outside the crematorium. it was just empty. I couldnt muster the strength to exhibit or feel any emotion. I was sad, for sure, but not in a true sense. There was also a huge mound of ashes of the deceased in the camp. Like a GIANT mound of ashes. Terrifying stuff.
Moving back to more pleasant stuff, on our way to Krakow from Lublin, two of my friends (girls) made a song about me, mostly ridiculous stuff that I forgot most of, but it was very funny, also being glad that the sad feeling did not overwhelm all of us too much, though I saw many people cry after the crematoria. That night at dinner though, F came up to me during the meal jsut to talk to me. And I was in a seperate vegetarian room too! I dont know how she found me, but it made me feel so good about myself, thinking (key word) that she liked me again. But once again, I dont understand girls as she ignored me the next day.
FRIDAY, APRIl 3rd
That day we visited many old synagogues, especially this gorgeous one with all this gold ornamentation and chandeliers. It was probably the best looking synagogue I've ever been in. Ive also noticed I've been making more friends, or at least a few closer ones that I was simply noly friendly with before. There are a bunch of these people, guys and girls, that have seemed to attached themselves to me more strongly recently. I dont know if word got around of how great a guy I am or how Im simply the most awesome person in the world, but its happening, and I feel great about myself for it. Finally, some recognition. That night, we had Fri night services at the Jew museum of Krakow, with some Polish kids (non Jews) for some reason, and had short discussion groups with them, which were very awkward and pointless, but it was nice seeing some Polish youth around my age. He was a very simple person, our Pole, and didnt seem to interesting besides being Polish. But he can do whatever he wants. The services were super short, limited to just songs, Something Im not used to, as my camp's services are super long. ANd once again today, I dont understand women, I think I might be done for ever. Perhaps Im meant to be alone my whole life, I have been like this so far. So I wouldnt even know what I was missing. But its better to have loved and lsot than never to have loved at all. So there are two sides to that crumbling cookie. (I dont know what that means) ANd why do I find it so pressing that I need to hook up or be in a relationship now? Perhaps peer pressure is the most concerning issue. Probably the only issue. And that I want to be close to someone. Oh God. That sounds so cliche and cheesy. Whatever, I cant express it any other way while being honest. Maybe its my hormones. Probably that too. Anyway, that night everyone got a letter from their parents tellin them about Poland and sort of a reassurance letter. Mostly everyone got something from their parents. I didnt. The counselors still wrote me one so I wouldnt feel bad not getting one, but I still felt bad that somehow my parents didnt have the oppourtunity to write me one, seeing as my own father is a holocaust survivor, Im sure hed have something impotant and reassuring to say. That night, me and my really awesome, kind friend were bored, so we sat in the elevator, and simply rode it until curfew, or at least five miuted before curfew when a hotel worker saw us and yelled at us to stop sitting on the elevator. But it was fun and we got to talk to a lot of kids on the program, and it was fun! Yippee! That day though (sorry this is out of order) we went to town, in the main square, which is really cool and large and very cultured, and I hung out with some friends that I dont always especially like and ate some dumplings and ice cream at this hole in the wall place.I t was ok food, but everyone else thought it was amazing. I didnt, but I didnt tell them that, becuase it would single me out and ruin their high. One of the kids who I hung out with then, later told me all these hilarious camp stories of his (jew camp, of course) which were very fun to hear, and reminded me of my camp stories, but made me sad, realizing all the ones I missed, leaving camp very early last summer for personal reasons.
SATURDAY, APRIL 4th
We had services that morning at that gorgeous synagogue I spoke about earlier, but what happened there kind of frightened me. My program is reform, so we play instruments on shabat services (im not really reform, but the program is) and some other israeli group visitng the same synagogue yelled at the principal of my program, yelling in hebrew "you are a doing a holocaust on the Jews" and "You are not Jews" referring to the boys and girls sitting next to each other and the use of a guitar. It was frightening, especially as Im always afraid of things like that when more observant people judge the less observant. The girl I sat next to during the services, who is friends with F and has the boyfriend, is very friendly with me, as she was later. OK A brief Stop here. My host family lady just cmae in the computer room and told me she wasnt used to people being on the computer for so long, and I explained very awkwardly about how Im committed to this blog and that I have a lot to write about. Now I feel bad that Im doing this and its takign a logn time, but I need to get out all my emotions and feelings now through this blog rahter than hold them inside. AHHHHH. She thinks Im a weird American.....
Anyway, that girl always holds my hand and stuff and hugs me, yet she has a boyfriend. I guess she just rolls that way, and that he doesnt care too much, because they are actually going out. After that, we went to a restaurant for lunch, where one of the girls I was becomign better friends with made me her "boyfriend", so in addition to a wife I have her, and that girl with the boyfriend is my mistress. I have a large family. That day too, I arm linked ( also later in Wasaw) with Q, and I think she might like me, or maybe shes jsut one of those people becoming better friends with me. I dont know. I cant know. We had free time that day, and there was an option of touring Krakow, so I took it, visiting elaborate churches. F was in my group, but we barely talked and she moslty hung out with the counselors, rather than kids. Shes a bit stragne in that she has a very limited group of friends. But what was amazing was this giant Pillow Fight that took place in the town square while I was there, with thousand participants. I got some feahters in my hair, but never was hit, thankfully. It was very funny and fun, and was a great thing to see and experience, especially as I didnt expect it at all. That night, our principial basically ranted (although it was called a testimony) about reofrm judaism and how people calling reform judaism a holocaust are wrong (and I agree with him) and that progress is necessary in Judaism to grow and survive. but he gets really enraged and fired up, which is a bit funny at times, but also firghtening. But i like him overall, and he later spoke about his aprents' holocaust experiences, which was the main point of the talk. Also, me and my guy friend have this ongoing joke about loving each other, and he turned out to be my husband, adding to my family. But tomorrow was Auschwitz. And I was prepared.
SUNDAY APril 5th
Auschwitz. First thing in the morning. We toured the camp on the cold, clear morning. I cant describe what I saw. Barbed wire, countless barracks left over. The ruins of the gas chambers and crematoria. But all I could think about was my relatives who died here, and the fact that my dad was almost sent here, and surely would have died here. I have to admit, and out all the places int he world, this is the one place where I would tear up. And I did. ANd Im not afraid to admit it because when you take something as serious as the death of your family and people, it amounts to a lot of emotion. We even saw left over bone fragmetns still left in pits, which disgusted me even further. This was Auschwiz II-Birkenau. I cant really desrcibe it any further, words cant exactly describe what I saw and felt. Just uttermost terror and sadness. Auswitz I, the original camp with the "Arbeit Macht Frei" on the gate was less emotional, as it was less of a classic concentration camp, and more of an army barrack, and it was hard to imagine people dying here, espeically with an emtionless tour guide. But I cant blame her, she has to talk about death and destruction every day. SHe has it rough. After, we went to the nearbty synagogue, where my friends got angry at me for not hooking up with F yet, but I really doubt it will happen. I will never assume anything about girls ever again. They are too unpredictable. Anyway, we had a rousing song session of "Am Israel Chai" (The Jewish nation lives) whioch meant a lot, considering our visit to Auschwitz that day and marking the continuation of our people, despite the will of Hitler. But regarding the Holocaust, I cant really say anything that hasnt been said already. ANd words cant describe the true terror I finally realized grasped the Jews that died and were sent to the camps. I finally turned this story into reality, and I still have trouble grapsing that its truth. But it is. And it happened. And we must remember.
MONDAY, APRIL 6th
We toured the Warsaw ghetto this day, nothing too special, just being very hungry. But it was meaningful as well, as my father was in a ghetto as well in greece, so I was able to make the personal connection that I need to feel something. SO later we visited some Polish kids for "discusiion groups" which pretty much was very awkward as they didnt speak english too well and we spoke no polish, but simple things were understood and it was an experiecne to talk with kids from other countries. It was here that I hung with F's friends again, and we got into a situation where we kissed each other on the cheeks, and it was cute and confidence boosting. I guess I just impressed them that much. Maybe Im not as big of a loser as I thought I was. NAd ont he bus ride there, which was dividd among bus groups, so we sat with new people than usual, we had a rousing rendition of "Oh My Lord", a mock baptist spiritual song, which I happened to sing at my camp as well. In between verses, someone would deliver a short sermon, something that I did as well, as people repsonded postiviely to mine and congratulated on it afterwards, I liek doing southern baptist preacher voices, so if you ever need someone to do that, ask me. Or Shwarzenegger, I can do him too. After this we head to the airport, our flight moved forward to 730PM rahter than 320AM, which was lifesaver. The security took forever, as they had no x ray machines for the chekc in luggage, so everyone had to take out their suitcases and reveal the contents to the security people. It took ages. I also had to leave the security check, dump my water out, go back in becuase I forgot I had water with me, and you acant bring liquids on to planes anymore... The plane was filled with israelis that were super annoying and bothersome, even some hoke dup with people on my program. Even if she was gorgeous, I woudl not hook up witho someone because I have standards and Im not a manwhore. HAHA. OK. ANyway, one of my better friends is seeming to become more distant to me, hanging out with other people more, but at least Ive made much more friends where it doesn tbother me as much as it did before. But on the plane , thos girl asked me to hold her hand during liftoff, and she also claims to be my girlfriend. ANother member of the family. ALso the two girls that Ive become better frends with and who seem to be obsessed with (which I dont mind at all) jumped on me in my airplane seat, which I actually really liked and made me feel a lot better socially. I also was a very nice person and switched seats several time so that people could sit where they wanted. Im so awesome and modest. ANway, getting back to ISrael was great and I couldnt be happier right now. Expcept maybe being with everyone as Im at a host family and maybe a girlfriend, but I feel pretty good right now. ANd I got to go right now becuase they think Im weird as I ve been on the computer forever, so Ill tell you all about my life since landing in iSrael after my seas to sea hike. GOODBYE FARWELL and ill write this time next week, hopefully I worte enoguh for you to analyze over the next week. BYE!!!!(*()))(&)*(&!

And the Lord spoke unto Moses: "PARTAY TIME!!!!"

So things are improving. Or have improved. It's hard to tell the progress as of now. My mood has greatly increased over the past week, for several reasons. One, social stuff has vastly improved for one reason or another, perhaps since I told myself I needed to be in a better mood, which would allow me to exude an air of confidence, which is attractive. Second, school is almost our for three weeks, but I still had midterms and still have one big midterm in the class I am furthest behind in. Shit. (UPDATE) I took the midterm, I bombed. I suck. The end. Also, my family came all together, so that was nice, but mainly it allowed me to appreciate how glad I am to be away from them. I like them, but sometimes I feel like I'm the parent and have to direct my parents to do what should be done. Like when they're driving in Jerusalem, they have no idea what theyre doing, and me or my sisters have to direct them. But they brought me food and a really shitty ipod. Which is great because its better than a completely broken ipod, which was my situation. The battery life is shit and I cant put songs on it normally, but its music, and I should be thankful. Im doing all sorts of things in order to make it work.
But what was so weird and so funny was that the night I decided to go out for dinner with my aprents to this amazing restaurant called "Karma", guess who was there too. Z and her family and some of her friends from the program. What was embarassing was that when I was introducing the people on my program to my sisters, I forgot momentarily one of their names, but quickly remembered, but now I feel terrible. Oh well.
And guess what else. My parents know Z's parents. WEIRD. But not so much because I've pretty
gotten over her, and am now focused on F.
My Dad also spoke about the Holocaust on thursday night, which was well received, many people coming up to me saying my dad was cute and things of that nature. I like it when he tells his story and I think he likes that I take an interest in it too.
But things with F have improverd within the last couple days. She seems more accepting of me and cheerful, we've talked more and hung out more, and I think things are going pretty strong, except for the fact that I dont see her that much because we arent in the same group (of three).
But one night was when I was supposed to help her with math homework or something, and if you have any sense in your head, that usually means something related to a very different kind of math. But that night I started by doing some long program for our Poland trip, then I had to help this other girl with her math homework, which I actually did, but nothing "special" came out of it. I kind of like her, and I think she kind of likes me, but I'm going more for F. Dont get me wrong, I like this girl a lot, except F is just more appealing personally. And then I had to practice on my mandolin with others for this yiddish song I was performing in class. It went well, but took up a lot of time. I than had to go to the twins' in our group's birthday thing, which took up a chunk of time, and finally I went to F's room, where lo and behold, were many other people lounging around. I liek these people, but I was hoping it could be more intimate and personal, but I can deal. It still turned out well and I think I may have impressed her with my mandolin skills. Maybe. Anyways, maybe Poland/Yam L'Yam (a huge hike across the country from sea to sea (galilee to med.) will provide an opportunity, but we are often seperated into groups, so I dont know how often I will be able to see her, That is the main problem. Is having time to be around her, but I'll manage,
Anyway, I shoudl really be preparing fo rPoland right now, seeing as I have 22 minutes to do a whole heck of a lot of stuff, but I'll finish this quickly becuase I owe you guys and entry before I am discommunicated for two and half weeks or so. So I'll report with MANY things as I'm keeping a journal so I dont forget any important reflections/thoughts. So wish me luck and I really have to be going now, but overall things with girls are slowly improving, my mood is elevated ( i dont know what the concentrations camps liek Aushwitz will do to me) OK BYE. I REALLY NEED TO GO AHHHHH

Thirty Posts

So this is my thirtieth post on this blog. Is that impressive? I can't say. Should I have done homework in that time? Probably. But at least until my fiftieth post, there'll be no reason to celebrate. I still have my shoes on, and I've been in my room for a while, and its cold, and the weather outside is fantastic, and the light is amazing. It has been a weird week. For one, at the beginning of the week I felt terrible and like a nervous wreck, and the second part of the week I'm much more satisfied and happy, if I can dare to use that word. For second, a lot of people's parents came this week, and it was interesting to think of what my parents would have done had they come this week instead of next week. I love them, but they are very awkward people sometimes and definitely would not do a lot of the walking or hiking the other parents did. They are interesting people, though. I am excited for them to come though, because I think my Dad is going to speak, seeing as he is a Holocaust survivor and seeing as we are going to Poland in the next couple of days. And I will get to see my Mom and my sisters, all together finally since January. The thing that sucks though, is that they are coming when I have mid-terms, so they cant really take me out that day, the only day I think they could, except maybe friday. I'm unsure. And theyre bringing a replacement hard drive for my ipod, so that'll be great if it works. And for third, yesterday (Thursday) we went on a 16 hour trip to the north, which was exhausting but fun. Someone said to me that day that they "didn't know that you were so funny" and I have to say that I've heard that before, which makes me happy of course, but makes me think why it took this long for me to open up to other people and be funny. I became better friends with certain people, so thats a plus as well as of course my education that I recieve. We went to a crusader castle, and pretended to be Muslim opposition, yelling "Allah hoo Akbar". I wasn't really into it, because if there was a Muslim visiting the site, it would make for an awkward confrontation. Anyway, that day I had to tiny encounters with F and Z, but they are so miniscule yet had an uplifitng impact on me, seeing as I love to blow things out of proportion and make things more significant than they actually are. First thing was with Z, and as we were passing by her class, she reached out her arm to touch our mutual friend's hand, and proceeded to do the same to mine. I dont know if she felt like she had to do it becuase her arm was already out, but in that split second it seemed like she did it on purpose rather than accidentally by leaving her arm out longer. It is these types of encounters that I analyze and tear apart, probably unjustly and innaccurately. But maybe not, maybe there's a chance I'm right. Not that she likes me like that, though I wish that were the case, but that despite knowing that I like/d her, she still wants to remain friendly. I didn't want to say friends because everyone has their own definition for that, and that may not be true. Anyway, that made my day a lot better, but my encounter with F was not as affecting as the one with Z. I was simply offering this weird dough-tomato-onion thing to her friends and then to her, but she said she can't eat raw tomatoes. I doubt that was a lie, because she could have just said no thanks. She greeted me with a lazy "Hi Hubby", which was good in the sense that she recognizes our marriage still, but she definitely is not as chipper as she was when I first hung out with her for real. I'm beginning to think that her liking me was true, but it was only for a day or three, and quickly died out. Was it something that I did? Or was it just the natural course of things? I can never know. Anyway, that was yesterday...
Things are catching up fast. Its almost halfway through the program, which makes me really feel bad because I feel like I haven't accomplished that much in my time here, and that for something to happen later is becoming more unlikely. I hope that isn't the case, and I know that its up to me to make that change. And I know what I need to do know, at least part of it. It's being in a friendly and general good mood when around other people. And being confident. Those things I have determined, are crucial to be an effective Max. Even if I do feel invisible or rejected or whatnot, because I know that feeling sorry for myself doesn't accomplish anything, though I may forget that at times. A lot of times. But sometimes that mood just doesn't work. It doesn't all depend on me, it depends on other people, but I can't put all the blame on one party, because it doesn't work that way.
But things fluctuate a lot. And its hard to determine whether or not the overall experience is positive or not. I'm hoping, obviously, that it is, but there are times where it seems like I have accomplished nothing. but I think for now I'll work on some stuff, but let things like relationships and whatever happen naturally, rather than me forcing it on myself. I shouldn't live according to others' expectations. And I think thats another problem. And I have a huge fear of judgement. And I get lazy, so all of these might account for something. Since I think people already have this standard for me of being smart and funny, I sometimes feel pressured to be those things, or feel bad when I dont offer anything too special to a conversation. I feel like I need to be especially extraordinary to be liked, but then again not so special people have perfectly sound social lives.
It all boils down to expectations. Like right now, two of my roommates and two other people they brought are watching a movie in my room, but im here writing this. I guess I shouldn't feel bad because they quitely offered me a place to watch it, but it didnt seem like there was room, but now one of my roommates miraculously found space to sit and watch. And my expectations were that the other roommate would be doing his own thing elsewhere in the room, while I was too, not making me the outcast, but now I am.
And there's this thing going around called "Fuck My Life", or FML for short. its basically just people complaining about the sucky things that are happening in their lives. None of its actually serious stuff like what I'm dealing with or whatnot, but funny stuff. Its entertaining, though. I guess I could say FML right now. for things in general. but I know thats not completly true. I've though about it more and have realized that this life here is a lot better than what I would have had if I stayed home, its just that I'm dissapointed compared to my expectations and compared to other people's experiences.
I just need to get out there and live.
I have been having these "fear attacks" about death every once in a while and is honestly the deepest fear I have ever experienced. At the same time, however, it compels me to make the most out of my time here on ol' Planet earth and experience everything I can in my time here. Thats why I like doing new things, because it adds to my repitoire of things I have experienced and will make me not regret anything later in life. Thats why i came on this program. For the experience.
Experiences. That's what its all about. I need more and better ones.

My Life Plan

I think I need to accept the fact that I'm going to be single for my whole life, move into the Swiss Alps in a small wooden cabin, and make a living by hand carving wooden garden gnomes.
All signs are pointing to these events. At least the first part.
I should probably Forget about F and Z and just do what I'm good at.
That is, ignoring my problems and not facing them. And being dissatisfied, I'm good at that too. Has there ever been a lasting moment of joy in my while life? As in over a long period of time for a single thing. I dont think I've experienced that. Or maybe I'm ungrateful and spoiled and too cocky for my lifestyle. Either way, its not good.
All I truly know in this world is that I am not happy with what I have. Maybe it's justified, maybe its not. Maybe I'm seeing things from the wrong angle. And my perception of many things have been changing on this trip in ways I would never expect to view things, some small, some big. In terms of history, life, food, etc.
I really just need someone who's not a professional to sit me down and talk me through this as a person to person kind of thing. Someone who I trust, and knows what they're doing. And I haven't met anyone like that yet. Or at least I don't know that anyone is like that.
I've never been so uncertain in my life.

Post Script

I'd just like to add something more to my last post, as per events that have occurred since the posting of the last blog.
I don't fit. I just don't. Yeah, I do have friends, but I don't belong anywhere. There are groups of friends, some of them could be classified as cliques, but most aren't. And I just wander through a few of them without any solid constants, like others have. The people I thought I was in a group with seem not to care, and they don't explicitly invite me to hang out often, though I do sometimes. (not that I'm not wanted, but that I'm not specifically mentioned) Yeah, I know they like me and I'm happy about that, but they don't show it in ways I'd hope they would. And maybe I just haven't settled in somewhere or in that aforementioned group, but its almost halfway through, and I think at least something should have settled in that time frame. But it hasn't really. It could be good that I'm not tying myself down to one set of people, but then I'll never get close to anyone. And I've mentioned before that when trying to be universal or all encompassing, only failure will result. So I need something specific to hold on to.
When I read over what I just wrote last paragraph, it sounds so stupid and annoying, that I can't believe that I could write such trite. Whenever I record how I feel, I can't help but hate what I wrote, because of the way it sounds to me, and how I perceive other people will understand it and get an impression of me that I would rather they not have. But all of this negative stuff is probably just a brief period, even though it seems so true and real to me, it may actually not be, and just be something kicking in at an unfortunate time. I have these bad phases every once in a while, but when I do, they seem so real and they compel me to write, so it may seem like I have more negative than positive feelings, which may be false. At this particular mood I wouldn't trust myself in judging that.
And I think I still have that childish urge for attention and recognition, which is really what all of this shit is about. I never was the annoying kid who showed he wanted attention, or even wanted it in the first place. But now its catching up to me, and my shy self and my attention-seeking self are clashing and do not mix well, creating a cyclonic shit storm that rains on me every so often. Its all theory, though.
And I could list all the things preventing me from having the life I want, but all that would be on it would be me. I know I need to get over something. But I don't know what that something is. And if I did, I probably would be too afraid to change it or wouldn't know how to change it. But I should gamble, its the only way I can get something done. And Jesus Christ, its in the title of my blog, so it shoudl be present on this trip.I just need to observe and carefully note one or two days, sit down, and solve the fuck out of my problems. I have the determination now, but will I later? I hope. That's what a lot of it comes down to in the end. Hope, wishing, dreaming. Thinking about the nonexistent. The next step is trying to make it a reality. And thats the part I cant get to. I've said time will solve everything, but I dont have a lot of time. I need a new strategy that doesn't involve laziness that I can actually do. And I hope that this thing I have to do exists. Perhaps it is jsut to relax and be myself. Or maybe its to be more outgoing, or to be more suave, or manly or whatnot. I'm at a loss right now. I really have no idea where I'm going. Im having a midlife crisis at the age of 16. It seems that I've been having a 3 and half year streak of bad luck ever since the months after my Bar Mitzvah, with breaks in between, of course, or else I dont know what I'd do. I guess my manhood is being defined as a bag of Halloween candy. There's a lot of shitty, weird ones, but ocassionally there are those good ones that you treasure so much. And perhaps I eat them too fast, and don't save them. I shouldn't have to try this hard to make my life bearable.
I'm probably just PMS-ing right now.

Did you see the words?

I always seem to have something to worry about. Whether it be school-related, a special event I'm nervous about, or just maintaining things in my life how they are. But now I feel the least worried I have been in a long time. Maybe since the summer of 2007. And this is what I'd hope would happen on this journey. So I know its working. Maybe not as ideally as I'd wished, but you can't live without high hopes or you're setting yourself up for mediocrity. But what I'd hoped that would happen when I went on this journey is happening. I'm making new friends, meeting new people (all very unique), and enjoying the bounty of life and this country. And I've realized that these are the most important things on this trip, not education or hooking up or being in a relationship. Though those are also very important on this trip, they are not the number one priorities. Because, and I've mentioned this in previous posts, in the words of Chris McCandless, "Happiness is only real when shared". And you need other people for that. Though he was a fool at times, he definitely had some brains. And I admire him for that part. A lot. If you know me, you know I have a soft spot for nature-junkies like Thoreau and McCandless. And Israel is a perfect country to observe nature, the forests and hills and deserts and plains and mountains. On out tiyul the other day to the north of Israel, we visited some ancient synagogues and we saw some cool mosiacs and such and burial caves (once again) but what really amazed me was the view of the mountain ranges of the Golan that you can see, especially the snowcapped Mt. Hermon. The night before most of my bus group made t-shirts with our "Misperei Barzel" on the back, or our roll call number. (Im 26) and the name of our bus group on the front, "Batzir", which is a word describing the wine harvest. The two other groups have names regarding harvests, which is a really obscure way to name something, at least to me. Anyway, I was one of the last ones to make my shirt, which really reinforces something that always happens to me. I'm always the last one. It's probably because I'm not forceful or assertive enough, and let other people go ahead of me, but I've definitely noticed a pattern of me being last or at the end of things like when we walk or take turns talking or so on. I think I jynxed myself when at the beginning of the program, we had this weird string game where you would tie string around your ankle and say something about yourself, and pass it to someone else. I (obviously) was the last one, and I foolishly and stupidly said "I like to finish things off", you know, since I was the last one. This is one of those times that I didn't think about what came out of my mouth.
Anyway, the night before last we had this bonfire where we played this game where everyone closed their eyes, and five people were chosen to tap people on the heads if they matched a certain description like "makes me laugh" or "thoughtful". This game really boosted my self confidence because I got tapped several times (though I dont know if it was a lot relative to others), but one of the things I got tapped for most was for the description"someone I dont know well and would like to know better", which made me feel good that I interest people but a little upset that I haven't opened myself up to these people. Hopefully they will approach me since I don't know who they are. After that, and I forgot how it came up, but we all listed our high points and low points of our lives, which was very revealing for many people and their secrets and so on. And thing about these type of things is that I get uncomfortable when sad things happen or are talked about, because I always think that its happening in a strange environment and belongs at a different time and place. Perhaps I'm right, or just insensitive. One person's low point paralleled mine a bit, and i went up to them afterwards and told them about my situation, which a very endearing and sweet moment, especially considering the seriousness of the matter.
And the other night we went out to this street with a lot of restaurants and shops, and suprisingly I met my sister there, though I knew she was going to be in that same place during the day with my cousin (who I didnt get to see), but only briefly, as she had to go to dinner with friends. I did manage to get my hands on some delicious nutella ice cream, tough before I had to wait about 15 minutes to wait for the girls I was with to finish shopping for jewelery, because those are the only stores that exist in Israel. I also had some fries at McDonalds, which were decent. But overall it was a fun time, hopping between groups of friends like I usualy do at these outings. And thats another thing, I've been able to diversify my friendships so that in almost any situation I have someone to talk to. Almost, sometimes, like right now, I cant really find anyone to hang out with, and sometimes when I eat at the dining hall there's either no room next to my friends or the open ones are next to people I dont know well.
But something that could possibly maybe be important happened on the way back from our outing last night. Since Z knows I like/d her, I've been noticing that she's saying hi or talking to me more, and we had a real conversation on the bus ride back, and hopefully I made a good impression on her that time because I've rethinking my abandonment of the Z conundrum. Most likely, about 99% likely, she's just being nice or talking to me because she knows I like/d her and is trying to become better friends. BUT, there's a 1% chance, probably even less, that she likes me back, in which case I would have no idea how to react. Not that I would be super super happy (though I would be) but I really dont know how I would feel should that event occur. Would she be doing it just to settle for me because no other guy likes her (I mean everyone likes her, but you know in what sense I mean)? And it is this situation that confounds me. I would be happy for her if she liked someone else and she succeeded in her venture and so on, but I would also be a bit jealous of said guy, obviously. And clearly, as shown through our previous conversations before the program, there's at least a molecule of chemistry between us.
So Z is back in the picture now, probably due to my skewed perception of people's actions and intent. And so is F, probably for the same reason. But there's a greater chance that F likes me more than Z since we've talked more often, stole my afro pick, and were fake married. But if something were to happen, I wouldnt be settling, which I want to avoid on both sides of a hypothetical relationship, because it makes the other person seem so insignificant and be treated like a toy. I can like them both, its possible, almost equally. or maybe Im lying to myself so that I wont feel bad "settling" with F. But it wouldnt feel that way to me. At least not now.
This entry might seem confusing because I'm writing it over a span of a day or three days, so bear(bare?) with me here.
I think I've discovered something. I'm not looking for a relationship in the common use of the term. I'm looking for a best friend. Someone I can talk to any time about anything, someone who is constant. And all those qualities that make up a reliable, caring, dependable, funny, easy to talk to, thoughtful, etc, person. And F and Z just happen to fit those terms fairly well and just happen to be girls. Yes, there could be guys who fit that description, and I think some here may fit that description, but there's also the complicating element of relationships between guys and girls that adds a certain expectation. And I may want this possibly because the firendships I have now aren't fulfilling enough, and I haven't found anyone, aside from maybe one or two people, that I've really liked a lot. Am I dissatisfied? I don't know if I'd put it that way, but what is true is that I'm looking for something more. And because I'm almost halfway done, I'm getting more and more worried. I guess I lied about what I wrote earlier about worrying now. And I know I'm not looking for something more because everyone else has something more and is satisfied, I'm looking because I want my life to be more rich. And I know its possible. And another thing. It may seem like I'm upset or worrisome or lamentful, but these days are some of the best days I've had in my life, along with camp. It's simply relative, my complaints. My complaints would be much more at home. So I'm only having the time of my life up until the age of 46 or so, whereas I'd want it to be the time of my whole life. No doubt I'm learning, no doubt whatsoever. Especially about myself, which is a great thing. I've learned that I need to analyze less, that people do like me for who I am, I don't need to pretend to be someone else, and that sometimes you just gotta chill. And that I need to make the most out of the short time I have on this here planet, by learning, by experiencing, by thinking. And that I need a specific philosophy by which to live by, and not to try to encompass everything in the universe into your life, because you will fail, and I know from first hand experience. My philosophy is, obviously, from a Bob Dylan song, and I've probably already written it down on a previous blog entry, but it bears repeating. "He who is not busy being born is busy dying". I interpret it as meaning that we shoudl also strive for something more, something better, and always be creative and create, make, and invent all the time. Imitation will be the death of me. I think it was Emerson or Whitman who warned of the dangers of imitation. Well I firmly believe that. And I hope that you do to, or at least you now have a better understanding of where I'm coming from, though it may not always seem like that, because I forget my philosophy a lot of the time, which is probably a major factor in my dissapointments, not only here, but at home too. So, this is my way of being born, of writing something thats never been written before, to create letters and words and sentences that have never existed before now. To stir thought in others when they read, and to stir my own thoughts when I reread them. This is my goal. And I may forget it sometimes, but damn, its important.

Spit yo' game, talk yo shit, gab your gat, call that hit

First off, I apologize for not updating in a week, I am just a very busy person nowadays and have a lot of things to do now, which I guess is a good thing, instead of having too much time to be lazy and isolated while being on my computer. A lot of things have changed, almost all for the better, if anything. Since last Tuesday, Ive gone on a tiyul or three to different places, the first being these tiny tunnels that you had to crawl through, from the Bar Kochba revolt, which is basically a failed Jewish revolt against Roman oppression, where the Jews hid in caves when not fighting and lived in them. I love these kind of trips because you actually get to experience physically the same thing the historical subjects experienced, for the most part. I think I pulled some Pelvic muscle when I was crawling through the cave, because my lower torso area on my waist was in pain when I stretched or moved a certain way, but thats all healed now. We then went to some hill that was said to have staged the fight between David and Goliath, which cliche-like and expected, can parallel my own struggles and successes. The view was fabulous, as many of them have been throughout the trip. Looking through the vast valleys and hills, filled with lush vegetation brimming with life and the beauty of nature. It was still difficult to get over Z, but I'm managing to do so ever so slowly. Speaking of that stuff, I have new developments in that same area, but you'll have to wait a bit until I get to the juicy part. That tiyul was good, than a coupla days of the same old same old school days. but not old school days, because this is definitely not old school. its more like suck school. because it sucks. get it? its not THAT bad, but its so tiring and long that you couldn't do this for five days a week, which is why we have so many field trips. Probably. We like to make fun of our incompetent physics teacher, but its a lot easier than at home and i wind up just teaching myself the material alone. APUS is difficult in that we have an essay due every Monday and that I usually dont start until Sunday night, which is primarily my fault for procrastinating. But if you know me at all, you'd know that I am the procrastinators of procrastinators. But I always get it done, and it builds good work ethic and the such, etc, etc. English is a strange thing. Im kind of intimidated in a weird way by the teacher, but sometimes I write the essays really quickly because of my lack of time here on this program that takes place in Israel on a kibbutz near Jerusalem. And Im sucking at the practice AP tests which isnt very good. clearly. and math is easy as pi. HARHARHAR I crack myself up sometimes. anyway, I went to my sisters over friday night and most of Saturday, on a hella expensive taxi ride that wound up being $300. it was worth it though because I got to see my sister and eat some real food and see her dog that they adopted and go on a hike and see cool abandoned Byzantine ruins and visit an awesome lake in the desert and walk through this tiny israeli desert town in bumfuck, Negev. I also got to meet her boyfriend, who is actually really awesome and might come to the Phish concert with my and my sis. But I really enjoyed it and my sister is really great to be around AND she gave me 120 movies on my portable hard drive, which makes up a little for my ipod breaking. but not. because i need my ipod more than I want movies. but they are good movies, frankly. and the taxi ride there wa awesome because we drove all along the dead sea while listening to ABBA, but we had to stop a few times because the driver wasnt sure where he was going. And on the way back we listened to some Beatles which really put me in a nice mood and made me fall asleep about the fifth time Eleanor Rigby was played. But the great thing was that when I came back, several people ran up to me and hugged me saying they missed me, which was a much needed boost in self confidence, and one of those that ran up to me will be discussed in detail later in this post. But after this another painful day of school followed, but today and last night were really great because it was Purim, and in Israel, it is a very widely celebrated holiday. It basically celebrates the Jews' escape from near genocide, but whats funny is that in the story, it says very slyly that 75,000 were killed because of their attempt to try to kill the Jews, which is totally hypocritical and stupid, but I guess a lot of religion is like that sometimes, and we just need to hope that God is on our side. Anyway, I wore my suit with bowtie, ray bans, and a afro pick in my hair, and I must say I looked pretty baller. There was a dance party, which over the course of this trip I have been coming to love, especially when youre with a bunch of white Jews, nobody can really dance so you just flip out and do whatever you want, which is pretty awesome. And it lets you lose your inhibitions or whatnot and makes you feel really stress free. the next day we traveled to a city near Tel Aviv called Holon where there supposedly was some big Purim parade, but all I coudl see in the street was the top half on a giant turtle, and an Obama statue. It was fun running through the packed streets trying to keep up with each other without getting sucked in by the crowd, and at the end we found some not half bad pizza. I was trying to dress as a Deadhead, with my sandals, frayed shorts, grateful dead t shirt, and my picked out fro, which actually recieved many a compliment today. The kids I was with were all really awesome, though sometimes I get annoyed by them, and that doesnt mean THEYRE annoying, it just means that I get annoyed by them, occasionally due to my own faults. Anyway, we went back and had a bunch of free time and just hung out and played pokemon like usual. But I did find out that my english teacher back home has read some of this blog, which pleased me greatly, especially since I had emailed him awhile ago, and wasnt sure if he recieved it, but he did. And he referenced my project from over a month ago, which shows that he really pays attention to his students' work. Hopefully my writing skills are making him proud. And we got this talk by our madrich (counselor) about us guys in our group (our whole school is divided ito three groups, though we are mixed for classes) who were "disrespectful" to the madrichim by being late to things and not listening to them when they talk. Our punishment was rooms in one hour earlier, which doesnt really effect me because I probably would have been in my room anyway, unless something special happened, something that I hope would happen. (Im talking in generic terms here, I'm not referring to a specific event) The madrich that gave us the punishment (which was argued about for a long while) can sometimes be a complete annoyance and bother, but most of the time he's very funny and fun to be with. Anyway, what you've all been waiting to hear this so I might as well start now.

I'll refer to her as F. We are fake married, ever since we really talked when we were in Eilat about solar panels of all things. I must of made a good impression when I faked an obsession over solar panels as she asked me if i wanted to go with her and some others to this kibbutz with the largest solar panel or something along those lines. She's quite attractive,and there are so many good thngs about her that could potentially allow me to forget Z, though she will always have a spot in my mind. Speaking of Z, I found out that she knows that I was into her, thanls to some friends of mine. But I'm not upset really, and she seems to be talking to me more since I found that out, though I dont know when she found out. For some egotistical and stupid reason, I like it when I find out people were talking about me. It makes me feel that I made an impression on another person or two and that I'm worthy of being spoken about. Anyay, back to F. We are in the same math class, and we have begun to sit next to each other, whereas before we sat at opposite ends of the room. And she sat next to me the first day and started this trend, so I hope she is at least in the most minute way interested in me. But for me to believe that, I need to have self-confidence, which I am slowly discovering. Anyway, when i got back from my sister's, she ran up to me and hugged me, and we walked together for about a minute towards my room, which seems insignificant, but to me it means so much more. And that another issue I have. That I take the smallest actions and enlarge it to mean something much bigger than the action itself. And I've been trying to sit with her at meals. And at Holon at the parade, we talked a good amount and she stole my afro pick and still has it, so i hope that means something, though it could just be my magnification problem. but what I found out too is that she asked a friend of mine before to go on a walk to a certain place on the kibbutz, which of course means something big (and thats not magnifying it), but she had to leave, so nothing ever happened, thank God, but I don't know what to make of it. i should just let it pass as she seems to talk to me more than to him. In fact, I've never seen them talk before. And we hung out a lot at the Purim eve dance party and danced together (not a real dance like Back to the future school, but crazy uninhibited dancing). but I also danced with her friend a lot that likes to hold hands with me and at Holon, in front of F, she was definitely, I dont want to say flirting, but something along those lines, but Ive seen her do it with other guys, so I dont take it too seriously, and she already has a husband like I'm married to F. but as this "flirting" was in front of F, I could sense she was a little peeved, which I liked to see , knowing she cares about other girls and me. I think jealousy is cute and reassuring.
Anyway, its gettin' late, the sun is way past set, and all the kinder are deep in REM sleep. I think F could really work out, I really do. Except when it comes to getting physical, I'd have no clue what to do. At all. because, and I'll be honest here and reveal something about myself, I've never done anything of the sort, which is why i often get depressed and develop low conidence when I compare myself to others. But I shouldnt worry about it and shouldnt rush it, or else it wont be real, I need to just let it come naturally. And my roommate said he'd help me, so I have some personal support, in addition to all of you guys whom I hope are rooting for the Max team. Anyway, Mr. Sandman is calling me to bed,so i best be getting on my mery old way. I promise to update more often than this last week. Au revoir! Afeerdezen!