Making the Distance

So finals are finally over, and I'm officially done with Junior year, academically speaking. My APUSH test caused a lot of stress, but primarily the final assignment which was making our own final and writing two essays with our own prompts, because our teacher is incredibly lazy. (EDIT: I got a 97 on it! FUCK YEAH)But thats over, and I kind of got lazy with the essays myself, so I guess that might hurt my grade. But honestly, I couldn't care less right now, because I'm in Israel and I'm enjoying myself with the people around me, so school comes second. But my mom mentioned that after finals I would get a surprise, and I got it two days ago. It was a huge platter of sushi and a cake, both of which were very tasty. But I shared the sushi with that group of four girls that I was talking about that includes F and L, who I've gotten even closer with over the past days. And with L especially. But this L situation has been my main worry as academics are over. Seeing as I actually really like her and that time is running out (only 6 days as of this writing), I'm getting more anxious and worried, but Im progressing slowly. So Instead of taking you through each issue, I will take you chronologically, as that will make it easier for me to remember things.
Thursday Night:
There is something. I guess every year, called Yom HaStudent, where several concerts are held throughout Israel celebrating students. So they were really nice to us this time and let us go to the big one in Tel Aviv, and let me tell you, It was amazing (No, I didnt hook up yet), and it reminded of American music festivals I've been to that ive really enjoyed, but this time with friends instead of my sister. So I began with a group of kids from my bus group, whom Ive began to get a little sick of, but there are a bunch that I still enjoy very much. These kids included the kid i went to my sisters place with that weekend and this girl that has been a constant friend since the beginning, and lives near me and is overall a really great person. Anyway, I started out with them, saw some weird fusion band called "coolooloosh" and then wandered to get some pizza and check out the other music and then waited in line at an atm with a friend forever, but eventually I got a call from L, because we were going top meet up with that band backstage as the prgoram had set up. So i pushed my way through the bustling Israeli young adult mobs to the place where it was, and sat down next to L. Anyway I wound up with her and her three other friends, whom I will now refer to as The Four, because they have been a significant force in my experience, especially as of late. Now, hanging out with The Four is really fun, they all like me, and I like them (some in different ways, obviously). So I walked with them for a while splitting up from the first group politely, and walked with them for a while, dont really remember what we did except for buying some waffles. I then proceeded to join the original group because they left to go to an atm and I didnt want to wait again, so i rejoined said original group. I had fun with them, going to a giant inflatable condom, getting a free condom, getting free shots of coke zero, and getting kicked out of line to play wii tennis. THEN, I proceeded to rejoin The Four again, seeing them sitting on the grass. So i sat with them, just me and them, and then talked about relationships and so forth and asked me who i was crushing on. Now, obviously, if I told them the truth now, or even a month ago, it would have been very very awkward, but I told them about Z, but that I didnt really like her anymore like that (even though if the opportunity arose and the circumstances were appropriate I wouldn't say no). So they asked me my dream girl and I jokingly described a pregnant teen living in the projects. Anyway, F wanted to walk around so I went with her, and she asked me who I was really crushing on and I told her that it was L. She then told me she thought so and told me she thought L also had feelings for me. It was these words that keep me up at night. i stupidly did not ask for more details or how she knew, etc. but I have to have at least one conversation about me an L with one of The Four (excluding L). I told one of the other two that I didnt crush on that I had something to ask her, but I have yet to bring up the topic, as I havent been with her privately yet. but I will. And if I do anything, whenever it is, whether it be the last night or tonight, I will have successfully accomplished all my immediate goals on this program. I dont mean it as she's just a tool in my own self-interest, but that that event would satisfy those goals. Anyway, F bought me a shirt for fifty shekels (which is about $13 dollars) that showed the hebrew letter "zayin" inside the hebrew letter "aiyin", meaning "zayin b'aiyin", which translates into "a dick in your eye". A whole slew of people bought those shirts, so we all wore them the next day. I was really surprised that she bought me that shirt, but extremely grateful. Anyway, the day came to a close, and all was well, and the next day we would be heading for Northern Israel for a five day trip.
Friday:
Well, we left at about 11 AM for the two and a half hour bus ride to the north, and lo and behold i came out with my stuff just as The Four came out with theirs. Anyway, I believe a big stumbling block for me is the fact that I am not in their bus group, an therefore do not get to see them as often as I would if I were in their bus group, which at times I prefer over mine. The ride was quite boring, except for the always fantastic scenery that Israel possesses. For nighttime services, I sat next to L, and I beleive so for dinner, then for most of the night I think i hung out with her, or at least some of the time until 1 AM curfew. I think I know what the problem is, but I have no idea how to implement a solution. It's the fact that either I'm too forward, not forward enough, or she is just not interested, or she doesnt show her interest. SO it could be any combination of those four options. We had a nice moment where, with other people, we laid down on a blanket and stared at the sky and just enjoyed each other's company. It was a good night, and after in my room me and my roommates had a lot of fun telling each other jokes and just laughing, as was the case earlier in the day, jsut hanging out.
Saturday:
We had morning services, and than for lunch, I beleive I might have sat with L or someone from The Four. Then, we went rafting in a river in the North, which was very, very fun, and where a new character is introduced, R. I went with her, whom I think likes me, and The Four. I sat next to R, and unfortunately did not really get to talk to any of The Four or impress them too much. But after the ride was over, which involved splash fights with other boats and countless bumbing into the sides, I talked to L a little and the rest of The Four then finally returned. After that, I really forgot what I did, but towards the end of the day I was with L again (maybe continuing from after lunch) and F and another or the rest of The Four, and watched these two guys wrestling, and it was really funny because they are both a little strange (aren't we all) and the way they were doing it nontraditionally and so on. Anyway, an exciting moment happened during havdalah (the ending of shabbat) where our group often initiates a kissing circle where you recieve and pass a kiss on the cheek. I was sitting next to L (wow, in retrospect I've spent A LOT of time with her) and it came from the other end, but she was laying down and refused to recieve it from the boy next to her on the other side (who I went with that weekend to hsi aunt's house, who can be a little obnoxious and annoying at times, but I still really like him) BUT, when it came from the other direction, she got up to recieve it from me. It was quick, and was part of a game, but I felt really priveledged after that. But if she refused to get it from the kid on her other side to avoid kissing me, than thats a whole other dillema. But I hope thats not the case, and that she simply didnt want to be kissed by my friend. After that, the whole group went to watch a movie, in the cold where i was only wearing sandals, a t shirt, and shorts, and was freezing, but I sat, once again, next to L, and another girl from the The Four. This other girl has been really affectionate with me throughout the trip (she has/had a boyfriend) and is a great friend, and comes up later in the trip and plays a significant part. You'll see. Or read. Actually, both. We then proceeded, her, L, me and my friend from havdalah to order pizza. While we waited, I socialized with a lot of people who, most kindly and fortunately, were very favorable to my presence and were also affectionate. But whenever this happens in front of L, and it has in the past days where people are affectionate (meaning holding hands, hugging, etc.) I fear that she thinks that I dont like her, when in fact I currently like her over every other girl. But the countless hours I've spent with her and have yet to spend will hopefully send the right message and hopefully it will be favorably recieved and responded to in kind and more.
Sunday:
We began the day by getting ready to go further north the golan heights near syria and lebanon, where we visited a real army post on the border with lebanon, which was really surreal and cool, and where active surveillance is going on. Also, we went to a crusader castle that was very intact. We did something else, but I cant for my life remember it. We came to a new hostel, which was very nice and had an awesome view, and I had a meaningful conversation with one of The Four about her breaking up with her boyfriend on the program (this is the girl who is affectionate) and the end of the program, and, hopefully, I comforted her as she cried a little. It was really sad, but I lightened the mood by talking about the positives and how we'll keep in touch. Im sure I hung out with L and The Four more, but I cant recall specifics, ahhhhhh but the next day.
Monday:
I will remember this day for a long time. We began with a hike to a waterfall. The hike was fabulous, with The Four minus L (what are the chances?) and R. We had some nice talks (not about L or anything of that nature), but we came to the gorgeous waterfall and little pool of water (which was quite deep) that we all swam in. And as I laid back and floated on the water, and stared into the blue sky, i finally realized how happy I was at that moment, and how nothing could stop it, even the fact that I've never been with a girl, or that this trip will end, or that I'll never see some of these people again. So after this, with a wonderful group of people in our hike (other people went on different hikes) we saw some movie about the yom kippur war that I slept through, sitting next to R. After, we went to a bunker on top of a mountain, from where you could see the Syrian border very close by, and Mt. hermon in another direction, and where it was very windy. That night, we had this little program where we rotated through Israeli/Palestinian stereotypes acted out by our staff, and which was very interesting, because it seemed like each case had flaws, and that no opinion is the perfect solution to a very complex issue. Anyway, that night I talked to The Four a little bit of the time that was left, and went to bed.
Tuesday (today):
I woke up ridiculously early at 5:50 AM in order to visit our counselors home in the north, where we ate pancakes and other really good food, as our bus group went here specially. we then joined the rest of the group, before which I brielfy talked to F, to meet some rabbi who discussed the arab-israeli conflict a bit as we prepared to meet israeli arabs at their school and have a dilaogue. This meeting was very awkward, but interesting nonetheless. Afterwards, we went and visisted a druze restaurant (a druze is a type of arab that is an old offshoot of islam, and is a secret religion) where a secular druze explained it to us and where we had really good druish food. One girl, a friend, who looks like my sister, picked out my afro really big, so my hair was perhaps the biggest its ever been, and looked really funny, but apparently everyone liked it, so i guess ill keep doing it for the next five days. But then after that, I had dinner with three of The Four, and they had some emotional bonding time with their bus group, while i just hung out in my room and wrote this blog entry. SO theres my weekend. eventful, L-full, and hopefully will lead somewhere concrete, I hate to have to say this, but my goal isnt to hook up with a girl for the sake of hooking up. It is to really have a connection to another person that ive never had before with anyone yet, and to express it.