Tears and Fears

What a day.
Honestly, I don't know what to do in these situations, and it makes me feel more that I'm a very awkward person. We had a service/ceremony/remembrance for the kid's father who very unfortunately passed away. Of course, many people were crying and I have to admit that I almost shed a tear and could feel my throat choke up. But it was mainly because I was thinking of if those things would happen to me and past experiences with death. But I don't know what to say to all the girls who were crying, especially if I should approach Z with a back tap or whatever, which I failed to do, whether foolishly or not. And another problem that I have is my insane level of jealousy that I feel. I mean Jesus Christ, its one of the ten commandments not to covet thy neighbors possessions/interpreted as being jealous/envious. And I hate this, because this is what destroys me. I can't see Z talking to another guy without feeling something, and I hate myself for it because there's no way that I can tell if she likes him or if hes just a casual friend. And I know nobody would be with someone who gets jealous like that BUT shows it too. That's the thing about me. I'm probably the world's worst person, but since I don't show any of it nobody knows.
Just kidding, I'm a very generous, caring, loving human being. But seriously, the jealousy some times is so ridiculously unnecessary that even when other people laugh I get this ugly feeling in my gut. Maybe I want to be a part of it, or that I think that someone else is funny instead of me. I hold on to that quality of me so dearly because its the only compliment I ever get, so I need it to be worth something and need to defend it or else I am empty handed in this devouring world we live in. But the important thing is that i think that I'm actually a better person for not acting on my jealousy, not to toot my own horn or anything, but thats simply how I justify it. Actions are what make the world go round, not thought. But any kind of action, even if it be writing down your thoughts like I am doing currently.
But I don't even know why I like Z or why I care so much. There are definitely more physically attractive girls and ones that are easier to talk to and even ones that like me. I guess I just cant control these feelings. God, that sounds so teen angsty. I guess thats what I'm going through, a classic case of teen angst. Maybe. I actually dont know what the angst entails, but I'm a teen who feels angst, so I might as well label it as teen angst. It seems like I may be obsessing a little, but if you knew what guys actually thought it wouldn't be much different that what I'm writing about. I think I just assumed that all my readers are female, which I hope aren't and that I have a bigger fan base than just my loyal females.
And in addition to that sad ceremony, there's also one kid who has to leave for medical reasons, and we had a little thing for that, which was actually funny and not incredibly sad. I can't say I know how she feels because I don't, but I went through something similar when I had to leave camp after only 1 and a half weeks. If you want to know why, you'll just have to catch me at a vulnerable moment or whatnot. I've only told two people outside my family, and they were my best friend and Z, in one of those convos we had leading up to this program. And thats what bugs me too, is that we had all these conversations online and even vidchats, but apparently it doesn't mean anything to her. Jesus, girls are confusing.
What a ridiculous day. I never thought so much could happen in one day. It all just seems so surreal, and like the first days I was here, it still feels like a lucid dream, though sometimes it turns out to be a bad one. But to reassure everyone, I do have a tentative plan to further my appeal to Z, and it involves talking to her friend which happens to be my closest friend on the program. But I really don't know how to initiate the conversation, so if any of you have any advice/tips/consolations/words of wisdom/midrashim/annotations/feedback, you know how to contact me.
Peace out girl scout