Low Five!

Dear Reader,
I am sorry that once again a bad day has occurred. I just realized that that was a really stupid sentence. I could delete it and write something else, but my fingers are too lazy to reach for the "Delete" button. Yet I manage to use "Shift" and the quotation marks. Weird. Anyway, today was just more reassurance of my incapability as a person. OK, I know that sounds really harsh, but let me explain. I just don't know how to talk to people. It just doesn't happen with me. I must have missed something very important during the past 16 1/2 years. I just don't know how to begin a real conversation and carry it with new people. I don't even know how I have the friends I have and the established comfort level that exists with them. They must be really tolerant people. But when people gather, I don't want to continually be around the same "safe" friend the whole time, but when I try to join another circle of people or just walk around all lonesome and such, nothing happens. I know, I probably only have myself to blame, but there has to be at least some injustice occurring here. I must appear off-putting or something, or maybe people don't like people with glasses and curly hair. I don't know, but I expected people to be at least a little bit more welcoming. And I do try. I try to talk to new people, but they usually either can't hear me or answer my question as quickly and shortly as possible. They don't pick up on the fact that I'm trying to be friendly. And I know in their situation I would try to include myself, at least I hope I would. But in general, I just have that irresistible childish urge for attention. And if I didn't have that, I could settle, but I do have it and I can't help it. Its more of a human need than just a childish one, a need for recognition and respect. But lately I haven't been seeing much of that, and I honestly think that barely anyone here would care if I left for some reason or another. But I'm not going to leave. I'm going to brave this out and try to hope for the best. I mean, its only been one week of eighteen. There are many more opportunities. If those few readers don't especially like all this personal stuff, please tell me because I also want to please the readers and give them insight into my experience.

As for my itinerary, we had a short service which included a very strange debate regarding beer at celebrations. Very odd compared to the conservative services I am used to. After that and lunch, I went back to my room to attempt to do physics homework, but failed and fell asleep. After that I wandered around looking for somebody to watch Freaks and Geeks with, but they bailed out, quoting homework as their excuse. But I assume it was honest and truthful. We then had a havdalah service and then left to ben yehuda street where it rained and hailed like no other. I just accepted it and got drenched, but I didn't feel anything by it. But this was in the midst of the "bad" period so I guess that would explain it. And just to let you know, it was never COMPLETELY bad, because there are still some people that I do interact with. And I didn't get to meet up with my sister again, which was dissapointing, but my mom got us Phish tickets (I'm pretty sure) so I'm happy about that. And we might go to this Wakarusa festival in Arkansas, but once again I also feel like I am hanging around the same people too much and annoying them. I feel like I can never be comfortable with anyone. And I don't even know why I'm publishing this anyway and why I'm making this blog public or anything because all it is is notating my bipolarness. And the counselors are uncaring too, at least with me. I don't know if I've said this before, but I really feel like this is the determining point in my life to see how the rest of it will turn out. Sometimes I scare myself. Well, I have loads of homework to get to, some that I dont remember what to do, so I best be going now.

May the Four Be with You

Day Four. Another adventurous, exhausting day. Many positive things happened, and very constructive too. I began the day with being late to breakfast because the madrichim (counselors) told us in the morning that we had to get up earlier then they had told us the previous night. Ughhh. Anyway, that day was the tzedakah project day, and I was picked to prepare bags of food for underprivlieged Israelis in the Jerusalem area. It was a very humbling experience, and it got me to get a tiny bit closer to other people, one of my many goals. And every time we go on the bus, we are always so close to other cars or the rail or the edge of the road. I don't know how they do it, I'm simply befuddled we haven't hit anything yet. Aside from that, we ventured once more into Jerusalem to visit the Kotel, or Western Wall for a bit, where I got to meet up with my sister and give her pants she left at our house. It was really nice to meet up with her, and I'm goign to try to meet up with her tomorrow when we go out again to some mall or Ben Yehuda street. Im not sure. Anyway, later we had services and dinner, but after dinner me and mandolin partook in a song session, playing chords along with the other 6 guitarists, sometimes even faking it. But dont tell anyone. The mandolin is a great conversation starter and gets people to notice me and be able to pick me out of a crowd (sort of) which is crucial for real conections. It was very fun, even if I was lost most of the time. Today was a success.

Dei Tree

Improvement. If I had to pick a word to describe today, that would be it. But, as it always is with me, I made some awkward fumbles and blunders that might have cost me something that I hoped for dearly. The astute reader may be able to decipher what that hope was. Anyways, even though it was our first day of classes, today was still thoroughly enjoyable, and now that I think about it, is much better than any day I'd ever have at Slacker High in Suburbia, America. When I think about that, things definitely seem to improve, and I think I forgot some stuff about how to think the other day (see last post). But classes were fine, my APUS class' teacher is very strange and is one of those teachers that asks questions that onyl has one right answer, and he's the only one who knows it, as the classroom remains silent. Physics is fine, seeming to be much better than any physics lesson I would have had at home, and there are some cool people in that class too. English was awesome, impressing my teacher with my awesome writing capabilities, and probably making the other people in that class think im some sort of nerd. I mean, I brought a freaking mandolin, thats quite nerdy. Or really cool. Im not sure, but I brought it just in case. I've really wanted to show people my mandolin, but alas the time has not yet risen. Maybe that way I will score some chicks. Maybe. And my math class made me realize how much I've forgotten, and that I need AAA batteries. It was also freezing today, and my first audio contact with family occured. But I feel like this program is some sort of test, seeing what kind of person I am and what I offer and how I respond and interact with people. Or I could be totally wrong, but I really hope its a life changing experience, because thats definitely what I need after some not so amazing patterns in my life arose last year.

Day Two: Eh.....

I really hope today was just a bad day. I really really hope that it doesnt reflect how I will feel for the rest of the program. The first half was exciting and fun with the archeological dig, with me climbing through tiny tunnels and digging for dead goat horns. But it was the second half that caught me at a bad moment, with negative thoughts racing in and out about almost everything, and just seemed to shut me down. I think I know myself well enough to understand that it was just a brief period and doesn't reflect everything else, but I can never be too sure.

It's just the social part, I must not get it or something. I can handle most everything else, the schoolwork and being away from home, but its just that that gets to me. I begin to feel isolated and alone and then I think that I don't have anything to offer to anyone else, and the shit begins. This is pretty personal, but I believe that to accurately document my experience I shouldn't lie about how things are.

Back to the Future

Jesus, what a weird feeling.

The flight went smoothly, with me being able to watch most of Dead Poets Society and a few episodes of Flight of the Conchords and Freaks and Geeks. But the strange Indian vegetarian breakfast gave me stomach aches. A lot of religious jews praying in the aisle though, but I guess I should have expected that on a flight to Israel. I got my baggage alright, except my 67 pound bag kind of carried me off with it on the carousel and almost knocked into a few people before this Israeli hipster helped me with it. He didnt say anything. The weather came as such a relief while Chicago is in the second Ice Age. The view of the hills are tremondous contrasts with the disgusting landscape of Suburbia. I believe this change of lifestyle has helped me greatly, even thus far. I still haven't found my "place" yet among everyone else, but I suppose that comes with time, ala my last post. I think what would solve my problems would be to have enough friends that anywhere I go I could comfortably sit next to them, although I suppose I should be doing that anyway in the early stages of the program. But people are aplenty and time is a-wastin' so I best be getting on. Im just worried about the added dimension of classes, but I've handled those well in the past.

This is ground control to Major Tom...

What a day. Or was it two? Its remarkable how one's preconceived notions of something can be so ultimately changed in such a few moments. The look of the airport, the look of the people, the feel of the rooms and of the country; all so different than what I had imagined. Meeting and getting to know people was a lot easier than I thought, though some of my worries have been proven to be real as well. I don't know when the full effect of what I have done will set in fully, but I still feel like I'm in a lucid dream or watching a movie. Either way, I still feel somewhat disconnected, but not necessarily in a negative way. I don't have too much time to type now, but many specific details will arise in the near future. So don't panic.

The day before the day after tomorrow

Spent some time with friends, carelessly setting packing aside to indulge in some last minute socializing. But that did not prove fatal, because alas packing was surprisingly painless and easy, and everything fit! I may have to pay extra for the extra weight, but its totally worth it to bring my acme anvils and bowling balls. And my mandolin is planning to take the trip with me, hopefully as a carry on. Regardless, my mood is of a flavor I have never tasted before, oddly familiar but still wildly exotic. It is a little bit of disbelief mixed with a pinch of nerves and fear and a tablespoon of excitement, and a whole wallop of the unknown.

So basically, I have no idea what to expect over the next four months, let alone the next 24 hours. Once again, I have come to the conclusion that only time can tell.

I apologize for the wimpiness of this post. I promise next time I will have MUCH to write about.

I am completely unprepared in every way. Please help.
The reality hasn't set in, and its long overdue.
If this trip could be a painter, it would be Salvador Dali, because its just so surreal. (insert laughter here)

You Gaza Be Kidding Me

I still can't believe that in 16 days I will depart to a forgeign country where I barely know the language, barely know the people, and oh yeah, is in a war. I haven't been much of a risk-taker in my life, and now is the time to explore that side of life with the biggest risk I have ever taken.